The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I could go on forever but I will try and summarize, after liviing with an active AH for 20 years I filed for divorce after a crisis. After I filed, I came to realize I did it out of anger and hurt and withdrew the complaint. My AH has now turned me into the victim and is saying how I have hurt him for the past 20 years and I am the reason he ran to the bar all these years because I pushed him away. He is the tin god right now, because I am a mess, wanting to stay in the marriage and work things out. He now is repeating behaviors that I used as survival tactics over the years such as leaving with the kids when he came home drunk and was verbally abusive, now he isn't coming home at night. He has stated that he wants out, that now I can lay in the bed I made, so I asked him to leave and he won't, he won't tell me why other than to say he doesn't want me to know what's in his heart. He tells me to leave him alone, not to talk to him, he wants to be away from me. Prior to all this, I worked the program and I was feeling great, now I feel like all the tools I used over the years have backfired on me and he is holding it as a grudge and using it against me to hurt me. I can't sleep , eat and I am full of anxiety. I don't know where to turn next, I am trying to work on "me" but am so anxiety ridden I can't focus. Plus to make matters worse, he called me this past weekend while I was out and said he loves me so much and wants to make up, we spent 2 wonderful days together than yesterday he pulled the whole leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I pray and have tried to turn this one over, but it won't let go of me. Help!
Welcome to MIP I am glad that you have been attending alanon meetings and have been practicing the tools and taking care of yourself. What you have just describe is definately the INSANITY of living with the disease of alcoholism.
Please bring the focus back to you. Remember the slogans, live ODAT, DO NOt Project, get to a meeting, call your sponser, pray and let go and let god.
This is a very painful situation and the best you can do is to recoup your serenity, and courage before taking any action.
Beach it sounds like you're trying to get something sane from someone who's confused while you're having your own problems. That is why I found the last word of the 2nd step so unique. I was crazy!! mind, body, spirit and emotions. Best thing I ever did was trying to find solutions from my alcoholic/addict wife or to find understanding and support also. I had to detach from her and attach to the fellowship. You made a decision and then changed your mind, how much more normal can be expected. Reasonable people do that all the time. We are not perfect and sometimes believe we make mistakes and need to undo things. Course when you do that with someone who isn't very stable themselves then all kinds of drama and chaos takes place. The literature, meetings, sponsor and a very tight relationship with my HP along with all the other tools I was handed when I got into program serves me well. And still I have to change my mind from time to time....Oh Well! (((((hugs)))))
I can relate to so much of what you describe. The push/pull, in/out, your fault/my fault. yes, it IS insanity. What helped me out of it was to learn how to lovingly detach. I'm still learning and working on that.
