The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My exabf broke up with me several months ago. Our relationship was so dysfunctional. We were together for years. Anytime he wouldn't get his way he would break-up with me. Well the week before he broke-up with me he was texting me that he loved me and was glad I was in his life. Then the next week he broke-up with me. So friends told me that he was talking to his ex girlfriend when we were together. He emotionally abused me, lied to me about alcohol drugs women, etc. and lots of other stuff.
After all that, I still call him and text him sometimes. What is wrong with me? When will I ever get enough and stop caring. He has made it clear he doesn't love me anymore and blames me for us breaking us up.
Stillalive, you have been with this man for years and have loved for that time - you cannot switch off those emotions like a tap. You can only learn from experience - the same experience which tells you (if you are honest with yourself) that this man is no good for you. You deserve better. Of course you are still going to care about what happens to him, how he is, etc - BUT care from a distance. Now is the time to take care of YOU. No-one has the right to abuse you - and emotional abuse can be as bad and longer lasting than physical abuse.
Try to relish your freedom - freedom to meet up with who you like, go out with friends, take up activities you would like. If you haven't already - try to find face to face al-anon meetings in your area. You will find people who have walked in your shoes and understand exactly what you are going through.
Come in here and vent whenever you like, try the on-line meetings and/or the chat room. Take it from one who knows - the support here is awesome.
if you do find you have sent a text you never meant to send or made a phonecall you never meant to make, don't beat yourself up over it. Tell yourself you are just enquiring after an old friend - but one with whom you do not want to get too close to again. You have been damaged by this relationship and now you are on the road to recovery.
Easy, isn't it? Nah - of course not - it never is. Above all, do whatever feels right for you and don't worry about it.
Sounds like an addiction rather than love....love doesn't hurt.
I have heard the same words you posted out of alcoholics mouths....they KNOW better...they are embarrassed and feel awful...and yet they STILL go back for another drink KNOWING it is bad for them....it could kill them.
Ya know what works? The 12 steps....you will find relief from your addiction there.
I know your pain...I've been there too. It's an obsession and all you can think about is what you lost...not what you have. My realease came from 2 books Al Anon's THE COURAGE TO CHANGE and CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beattie. Go to a meeting...go to the library. God Bless you
Hi, you do not say if you are attending meetings. when i first joined al anon they would ask me how I was and I would just talk about my alcoholic boy friend. They told me they would love me till I loved myself. I was so addicted to him, obsessed about him, still can today if i do not go to al non meetings, come on here, read my books or talk to other members on the phone. I am still with my partner today however I am slowly learning I am important, that I matter. I too have put up with lots of unacceptable behaviour because I did not love me. everyone else was more important. Al anon helps us to get our self worth back. they say come to 6 meetings if its not for you , you can have your misery back. I kept coming and have grown so much. you are not alone as long as you are an al anon memeber.
Aloha Still...Your compulsion is a sign of your addiction. You're not going to "think" your way out of it. You're going to have to "act" your way out. Learn and do something different of opposite of what you are doing now cause what you're doing now is causing you pain and problems. The recommendation on going to open Al-Anon Meetings is what worked for me because there were lots and lots of others who I could sit face to face with and learn real time what they were doing that was working for them and then ... just do what they were doing. My life changed dramatically because of this and now I have one I wouldn't give up for anything.
i could of wrote this myself. i had a boyfriend for about a year (six months sorta good, six months of pure emotional hell). I am now in the PROCESS of getting over him. I have not been to an Al Anon meeting yet but I am making my way there as was suggested by a good friend.
my bf was wonderful from the start and then...slowly things changed. he would buy me stuff then take it back. he would get drunk and call me names like "xxxx". he would turn EVERYTHING around on me. i had to pick him up twice at the hospital at 3am because he had "stomache" pains from drinking too much. the doctor told him how much alcohol he had and then of course the doctor "was crazy" I tried to talk to him about it and then it turned into MY problem. He would smell like alcohol the NEXT day after a binge. Only people who drink a ton smell like it the next day, right?
THEN he began to disappear on me. Not necessarily physically but emotionally. He stopped telling me he loved me, wouldn't sleep with me. BUT it was back and forth. I would finally stick up for myself and leave & then he would get all upset and "get me back" because I would cave. Then (you guessed it!) it would happen all over again. It was such a dysfuntional pattern. Everyone could see it BUT me. This is not true, I could see it but I didn't want too. I wanted the guy back who I THOUGHT he was.
I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that HE will never see what he did to me and you know what? it doesn't matter. It is such an ego thing Stillalive. Your ego is so hurt and you desparately want a REASON as to why someone you loved so much could do this to you. I know sweetie...I was there and I am still there somewhat.
I am going to my first co-dependent/al anon meeting tomorrow :)
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 6th of March 2012 12:54:11 AM
