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My AH is extremely jealous of any male person I have any contact with - i find myself justifying the need to talk with whomever it is (and getting angrier about having to justify my right to talk to whomever i please as time goes by) so I'm wondering, does intense jealousy go in hand with the alcohol abuse or is it something else in his make-up and do others experience it as well? I suspect he comes by it naturally because i've been told that is how his father was but since father died before I met AH, i can't find out personally. Just wondering if others get the same thing and how to deal with it? I know it is one issue that has to get resolved before he ever moves back - just looking for answers/suggestions on how to deal with it.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
From my experience in AA, it is not so much Jealous as Alcoholics tend to "take hostages" in relationships. Essentially, they know they desperately need another person to put up with their behavior and help them cope with life as they have an addiction that limits coping so they very much covet and control others in relationships and try to turn them into enablers. Also...being an alcoholic comes with a tendency to have an "If I like it, I want more of it" mentality. Hence, in a relationship, if he likes/loves you he will want more of you...more more more and it will never be enough. Alcoholism is a disease of more and it extends to other areas of our lives including our relationships.
Of course I am speaking in generalities so you have to sort of take what applies to your situation and what may not cuz I do not know all the specifics and I don't want to totally label what is going on with you and the ABF without knowing all factors.
Jealousy is a human trait; an emotion for reasons and when the human drinks they are less able to handle it properly. If he has "issues" and is actively drinking without getting any help at all I have experienced that jealousy can and will get way out of hand and result in some pretty serious damage.
If neither of you are in recovey...a program of recovery I'd suggest getting some outside help. For me Al-Anon gave me the solutions I needed for my own jealousy during the drinking days. When I learned self love I didn't "need" anyone else to complete me or make me fearful that they might get lost.
If the jealousy is intense...be cautious. (((((hugs)))))
Jealousy from my experience can be a normal feeling due to the behaviors of others, such as a cheating spouse. If not, due to the behaviors of others it is then an intense personal insecurity that burdens those around us.
It is how one chooses to deal with the issue that really matters though to me. If my bf is intense in his jealous feelings I would be very cautious. Jealousy and control go hand in hand. Both can lead to very erratic and or dangerous behavior.
I personally would require a strong program of recovery for my spouse and myself before reconcilliation. Each person has their own boundaries though.
I do believe that going to Al-anon meetings for some time before making any decisions can lead to sound decisions and an opening of the mind regarding options. It did that for me.
My AH doesn't have a shred of jealousy in him. Almost opposite! One of his friends made a flirty remark to me once and my AH said "just don't hurt her, buddy" ACK!! I'm sure it depends on the individual person and their circumstance moreso then to do with being a alcoholic.
My opinion is that people are insecure or have low self esteem/worth when they show jealousy for no reason. Maybe in his mind he knows he has a problem and knows it's disrupting his marriage. So, why wouldn't you want someone else? Someone that doesn't drink or have these issues.
I don't think all alcoholics are jealous, but I can surely see how not liking who/what they are in conjunction with alcohol could cause them to try to keep any imagined competitor away.
It can also be used as a sort of intimidating control feature too. If he makes a big enough fuss you'll just give up and never speak to men.
Remember, whatever the problem is..it is all his. He gets to own and deal with it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
i'm with pink chip on this one .some alcoholics are hostage takers cant stand thier partners to have anyone else in thier lives , including family . His insecurities are his problem don't take them on . My husb was the exact opposite.
