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Last night, a few things our preteen DD and DS said are weighing heavily on me.
As I went into our DS's room to say good-night, he said:
DS: "I asked Dad when we could take a trip to Grandma's." (MIL lives about 1000 miles away and we haven't been to their house in 4-5 years--though they come to visit us on a regular basis.)
Me: "I'm glad you mentioned it to Dad."
DS: "Dad said we could go soon. But, it's probably a lie. He lies about things."
Earlier in the evening, my MIL who is in town, joined us for dinner at our house. As our DS and DD were preparing dinner (it was their night to cook), my AH called MIL on her cell (he didn't know she was already at our house). After MIL hung up, she said, "Your Dad said he is leaving work now, so he should be home in a few minutes" (Work is 5 minutes away and the kids were trying to judge when to put dinner in the oven).
DS and DD informed my MIL when Dad says he is "leaving work now," it doesn't mean he is on his way home. They told her, very matter-of-fact-ly: "When Dad says he will be home in a few minutes, he doesn't show up for another half hour or more."
My children have learned about the lies in an alcoholic household. I thought I was the only one who knew about the lies. I thought I was protecting them and taking on the brunt of the lies. I'm not. They know. In fact, they probably knew the lies before I ever saw them.
I want to protect them and shield them. But, I can't. I CAN show them what it looks like to heal and break the binds of alcoholism by learning to work my program, by working the steps, by being healthy and serene.
(A little background info: I'm only 3 months out of denial about my AH's alcoholism. He was an alcoholic when I married him. I chose not to see the problem for 19 years.)
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Tuesday 8th of March 2011 10:37:00 AM
Aloha VVT...Let them be educated. There is literature on the literature table in our meeting rooms that is created for youngsters and will help them understand that Dad is sick...not bad. Yes lieing is "bad" not a good habit or thing to do and yes alcoholics lie to cover up and protect the drinking and ego. Helping the kids understand the disease is very important especially as they mature. (((((hugs)))))
Our kids miss nothing , we cannot protect them from this disease . I have been involved in Alateen for many yrs now and all the kids really want is for us to be honest ,they dont need to know the nitty gritty stuff but they need to know the problem is alcohol , Al-Anon prints an amazing book for preteens called Whats Drunk Mama ? it is tastfully written , ensures the kids its not thier fault , explains the disease of alcoholism and encourages respect for the alcoholic that is suffering from this disease. One teen told me that she always knew when her mother was lying to her so concequently she didnt trust her either. I heard a speaker say along time ago that if she had only been honest with her children Ex. when they come home feel the tension see the tears and ask whats wrong mom ? instead of shooing them away to go play telling them nothing is wrong ,we just told them what they saw and heard was wrong , so as they grow they dont trust thier own feelings she said if she had just knelt down and said mommy is sad but im going to be okay and give them a hug it would have allowed them to trust thier feelings . so simple and boy do I wish I had known that way back when . You dont say how pre teen your children are so if 11-12ish they may benefit from our first Alateen daily reader it is called an ADAT A day at a time .If your not already I would strongly advise you to find a few meetings for yourself ,you too need to recover . Louise
My 6 yr old said to me once, "I think you love me a LOT Mommy. And I think Daddy loves me, like, a little." It broke my heart. He knows that there are differences in how Mommy and Daddy are. He also knows that Daddy has a problem with drinking and when Daddy is drinking Daddy makes bad decisions and is not responsble. He also knows it's Daddy's problem - and no one elses.
Unfortunately we cannot protect our kids from the reality of their situation. I do my best to be honest, without slandering or bad mouthing his Dad.
I bought my 13 year old 2 Alateen books that I proof read and have had her seeing a counselor that deals in families dealing with alcohol and addictions. She likes having the counselor to talk with about family life rather than me and I am okay with her atleast talking to someone about it. I know she knew there were big problems and it took her coming to me first to get us both into recovery. I know we will and are already better for our programs! I am glad your kids are able to come to you and talk openly. I applaud you in your journey.
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I have done the same thing as a mom. My children are grown now, but have had problems with my daughter in the past couple of years. I have mentally beat myself to a pulp, trying to figure out why she now HATES ME!
Well, the RAH has moved out and I have no contact with my daughter, which I love with all of my heart. My kids are my everything...
I came across the ACoA post on this site. I have read many post here and other websites, that it seems like Im reading my daughters letters (post).
I was devastated to read the hate/anger in adults from having alcoholic parents/parent and or/a mother who continued to live in that enviroment.
That was me! I am ashamed, sad, angry that I was not aware of what alcohol does to the kids. If I only knew then, what I know now. I would have not put in all of those years for someone to damage my daughter emotionally..
As a mom, we think we can hide it or make it sound fluffy. But in reality, it effects them, more than I would have ever dreamed of...
My point is: Educate yourself & your kids on the diesase. Get into a serious alanon program, You deserve and so do your kids!!
For what its worth: Read some of those post on ACoA. Dont be like me and wonder if its daughter writting them...
Learn what it means to LOVE YOURSELF!!! and your kids will follow....
As someone who grew up with alcoholic parents, I can tell you that your kids are far and away in a better spot than I was. Just make sure they keep talking about it--It may be hard to hear but the fact that it is acknowledged and discussed is so important. And then help them to understand that your husband has a disease--he is sick, and he's not drinking to be mean or to make the kids feel bad.
No one ever, ever, ever said a peep about my parents' drinking or about what happened as a result of their drinking when I was growing up. Keep the lines of communication open. I know it's probably hard for you to believe but when I compare my upbringing to what you've shared here, your family sounds "healthy".
I haven't talked directly to my kids about alcoholism, yet. My choice was based on the advice of the counselor I am going to who specializes in helping addicts and their families. He's advice was that I need to get a little more Al-Anon under my belt before I tackle the kids: First things first.
What I do instead is deal directly with the specific behavior of the moment. I don't defend my AH to the kids anymore. I used to make excuses: Dad works hard. He probably is just running late because he is on a phone call. Etc.
Now, I listen to what they have to say, but I don't make excuses. They know Dad isn't working late. Why should I insult their intelligence?
I decided to ask my AH last night about DS wanting to travel to Grandma's. AH looked at me, confused. He didn't remember having the conversation with DS. I tried to refresh his memory: "It was when you tucked DS in. He asked you." AH simply said, "I don't remember."
This is the first confirmation I have of blackouts.
I take 3 of our children to al-ateen every Tues afternoon. They have been going for a little over a year now. It has really helped them. As my husband works away, they also come to my al-anon meeting on a Thurs night. They love the other people there and they are welcome to sit up and share if they wish to. They are aged 8, 10 and 11.
my dd is 10...ds 6...I am separated/soon to be divorced from AH I have been to ACOA actively for 10 months. I am lucky to have a group with Child care. ACOA helps TONS...i am slowly but surely making progress in my recovery. My kids still think I am going to Book Club when we go for my meetings...But it is what was advised from a counselor.
I do not defend or deny my AH's activity to my children... I also do not bring it up it either. Sometimes they ask...and I bring up how mommy and daddy used to fight...but now, we don't fight at home any more and that mommy and daddy love them very much...all the things i was advised to say per councilor and the parenting classes we are required to take for divorcing.
This week...I have been faced with a new challenge though. He managed to get a DUI...and hide it from us...for months. Outta of fear, i am sure, However... The problem is part of our agreement is he and I share driving responsibilities of our children, but has failed to mention he cant drive for a very long time.
I am back to hearing the lies again....actually....scratch that....he never lied....but he always hid the truth...like he is doing now. I have went thru every emotion......and am trying to STOP the stinking thinking.... but now... i realize... Its time to educate the kids More than I have. See, I have explained to them that alcohol makes people goofy..and sometimes they make poor choices. I talked about never getting in a car with someone that has been drinking (THANK GOD)
but now I realize...the conversation may need to step up given the new circumstances. any one? Past experiences? Maybe literature I should be looking into? I went looking into my meeting and our pamphlets do not have anything about talking to kids. When I was young...my mother had ALL that covered from her meetings. dunno.
