The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im new to Al-Anon even though the A in my life is now sober. I wish I would have gotten help when he was actively drinking, but at the time I didnt feel worthy of help because he is just my boyfriend, and felt like it was easy for me to leave as opposed to ones who are married to an A, or has a parent who is. I kind of felt like if Im not leaving the situation, then it is my own fault. I was consumed with codependency - lying for him, giving him money, and drinking with him sometimes, even though most of the time I didnt want to, it was just so I could deal with him. I was convinced that I was stuck with the life I had because I was supposed to be stuck with it and chose it.
We are still together after 6 years. He didnt abuse the first three years of our relationship. Just drank off and on, but it was 'normal'. Then he started smoking pot a lot. When the pot stopped 'working', he turned to alcohol. It got so bad. Tons of fights, and hundreds of very scary moments. He tried AA but it never stuck. The turning point was when he crashed his truck into a lamp post and ran from the scene. He spent awhile in jail, and when he got out, life was 110% different. He became involved in AA, and was the happy energetic, excited about life man I fell in love with.
I am definately thankful. I am so lucky that he is not actively drinking right now and that I have him back. But I am still stuggling. He is 6 moths sober, so it is still in the early stages. I cant seem to figure out where I fit in. I have been to a few Al-Anon meetings, but it seems like it is people who had parents who were alcholics, or are married to one, or had to deal with it for years and years. I was fortunate enough to only have to endure it for a couple years. I also could have left easily. But I didnt. Although it got REALLY bad a lot of times, it wasnt like I was stuck in that life by genetics or paperwork. So I still have those feelings of not as worthy of help because my situation wasnt as bad.
I am also having a tough time with anger. I never was an angry person until he started drinking all the time. I am no longer angry on a daily basis, but it still is there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I must have not all the way. I sometimes snap at him, or raise my voice over small things, without even recognizing it. Im not sure why, because consiously I am not still holding a grudge toward him, but subconsiously I must be, since I still havent worked out my problems all the way. He so unbelieveably happy now, he feels like he has gotten a second chance to be the man he wants to be, but I dont have the same energy. We still get in small arguements about how he had a big wake up call and I never truly did (not the way he did anyway). I feel selfish for not being as happy as he is all the time. I mean hes sober, what the heck more could I want?!
Im just having trouple figuring out where I fit in. I am SO much happier than I have been in 5 years, but something is missing. And even now, after re-reading this I still feel selfish for asking for help about something that isnt as bad as what some people had to live through, but I want to be happier. Any words are appreciated. Im glad to have looked at a site like this
Hello and welcome , you belong right here the next meeting you go to listen to the similarities not the differences and you will know your in the right place . If in a relationship with an alcoholic it is for me the best way to support thier efforts at sobriety . learn how this disease affects your life and how to detach with love from what is going on around you . Keep going to meetings get the focus back on you and leave him to AA . Our situations are all different what matters here is how this disease affects you . Louise
Welcome! You fit in with Al-Anon's everywhere. I have found for myself, the longer I have stayed (7 yrs now) the more I know I am in the right place. Like abby said, each of us has our own story, but we share a common bond, the family disease of alcoholism which we have all been exposed to. When you listen with an open mind you will find that we are all similiar.
seb308 wrote:I am also having a tough time with anger. I never was an angry person until he started drinking all the time. I am no longer angry on a daily basis, but it still is there.
See, you knew the answer already -- this is why you "fit in" to Al-Anon.
Welcome to MIP, seb!
Even if the details of the individual situations are different, the effects on us are still the same. And we go to Al-Anon to fix ourselves, not someone else.
I can relate in a way, as I have a recovering ABF as well and we don't live together. But even if we split up tomorrow, I would still be in Al-Anon because I know that I need my own recovery.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Hi SEB, Yeah, I know how you feel. I came to Al-Anon 11 yrs. ago at the advice of one of the people of the court that I met during my hubby's DUI sentencing. I went to a meeting every day for a couple of months and still didn't know how I fit in. I did know that I liked what I was hearing. I liked hearing that I should pay more attention to myself. I thought then that my 4 kids were overwhelming me. It turns out that it was the alcoholic hubby that was taking all my attention. But I didn't know that for about a year. I was so much in denial. When I said to myself, "I'll give him as much attention as he gives to me and my stuff", then I started changing my own behavior. The more I changed my own behavior, the more I started to realize more and more and get into reality. That's when I also started to get angrier and angrier. All the time and energy that I wasted. All the decisions made that should have gone the other way. But I also learned that even my HP can't change history. So I had to learn to accept....and accept. I learned a lot of my anger was about expectations. Someone here says to "kill all expectations and accept things as they are." Keep going to Al-Anon. The steps and traditions are where all your answers are. Listen to everyone talk and learn a little every time. Spend time on this web site. You will learn a lot and start to change your behavior.
I have gone thru the same thing. This is what has helped me release alot of my anger:
#1. Educating myself (reading,reading,and talking to other A) about the effects of alcohol, to the person physically and mentally. Understanding their behavior is pretty repatative in most, helps me understand, that Im not the one who caused it, or nor can I fix it and I certainly can not cure it. All I can do is work on me. And if it helps me figure out what makes them tick, I will do it, for me!!! Think of it, like the labatory rat...They always run for the cheese...
#2. Learning and "Working" the alanon steps in my mind, every minute of the day.
(A) For example: I got angry because he didnt clean up his mess at breakfast and just sat there for hours drinking coffee instead of going to work early. (B) I stepped back & said WOW...Why did I just get so pissed? So I answered that question in my head. Understanding what makes me react...And I dealt with my issue, instead of his..Did I get angry at him, the situation or was it something from my past that tripped my trigger?
#3. Facing the facts, that it is not a normal relationship breakup, it is an alcoholic relationship breakup...Huge difference!
#4. Trusting God, my HP, to take the wheel. Im way too tired to drive this big of a ship!!
I wish I could say, that I apply all of them to myself every minute of the day, but atleast I can say....I DID TODAY!!
