The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this is my first post. I'm new -- have been to Al-Anon face meetings a few times before about 10 years ago, some more about four years ago. I have read many of your posts. My "A" is my sister, who for many years was my inspiration, helped raise me, was my hero; but she has been a homeless (much of the time) meth addict for many years. After many years of illusions of saving her, or trying to balance her by my own productive life, she cut contact with me, contact that had already become very limited, and (of course) all one-sided ... And I lost -- I don't know if it's lost faith, or lost hope exactly. But I turned cold. Toward her, and toward myself. I also had some dysfunctional over-reactions to issues with my father (as did she). Well, he died about 10 months ago. This could have prompted change. For me, mostly a feeling of defeat. For her: Miraculously, my sister is in rehab. What brief communication I've had with her (I'm out of the country for a while), I have been supportive, of course. But what I really FEEL is ... not a lot. Rationally I should see this as a miracle. But my real feeling is that ... it doesn't matter. I too successfully cut myself from her. From hope, maybe. There's no real hope there for MY regaining anything in that relationship. I want her to be well, of course. But I don't think it will mean a thing to me. I perhaps have accepted too strongly the dark side of a basic truth: I don't matter to her, sick or well. I have become too perfectionistic, self-denying, fault-finding about myself and my own failures. I find it hard to get to the early steps of having any faith, any hope -- as if the blueprint is settled now and nothing really matters. I read the material, I know I shouldn't feel that way. And yet ... So, sorry for the dark post, but that's where I'm at.
Hi David - Welcome to the board. You don't have to apologize for your feelings - feeling are an honest part of us - good or bad but not wrong.
I'm glad you've been to meetings - keep going and keep reading and sharing.
For me - even tho' I lost hope for the a, the program helped me regain hope for myself and in time be able to be happy whether the a was drinking or not.
I remember someone saying to me once, at a meeting, "You've got the 'detach' part down, it's the 'with love' that's missing." For me, the loving feelings were still there, but I had them battened down behind a wall, because I just could not stand to be hurt that badly again. So well battened down that I didn't even realize they were there. Gradually they are coming back, as I learn how to love my A, without giving away myself. You feel what you feel. You can examine it, in order to find out about yourself, and about how you relate to the world, but you don't need to justify or change your feelings to suit anyone else.
Hello David - as I read your post I was reminded of feeling exactly how u do and it is not pleasant. I have learned to call it indifference it is a cold and lonley place to be and am so grateful I climbed out of th ere along time ago. Al-Anon helped me do that,because we have been so hurt by the people we loved it is safer we think to not care at all. i don't do vulnerable well. the only problem wiht this state of mind is that it is impossible for me to care for anyone including myself and that David is not healthy.
Please go back to our meetings if you don't want to share just sit an l isten and let the HP in that room start you on a trip of healing for you. You just suite up and show up and let it happen. Your sister didnt use because she didn't love u she simply has a problem. If love could cure addiction we wouldnt need AA or Al-Anon in our lives.
When you hurt enough David u will start to recover and you don't have to do it alone anymore. When u decide that your worth the effort u will start going to meetings for yourself. For your sake I hope thats soon. good luck Louise
David,I can relate, although my A is my husband. After so many times of disappointments and frustrations and when he finally decided to sober up, I wasn't his cheerleader. I felt guilty in a sense about it because deep down inside I had built this wall trying to protect me from anymore hurt. I still have it and am trying to figure out how to deal with it.
One thing that I have been learning is feelings are just feelings, they aren't facts. For me, it is a challenge to recongnize, feel AND accept my feelings before I can move on or grow.
Welcome David~ As someone told me when I first came into the program "you're right where you're supposed to be ,in the right time". I'm glad you've found us...and keep coming back. You'll find lots of love and support here as in any al-anon forum. (((((David))) ~ Carla
I agree with the above postings, don't apoligize for your feelings. They are your feelings and you can validate them with how many times you have been let down, frustrated, hurt, and rejected. Love yourself, take care of yourself, and soon things will look different.
Hi. I'm new to this forum also, tho I've been lurking for a while. I feel the same way about my A , but I don't think its either a bad or unhealthy way to feel under these circumstances. In my case, after years of lies, hurtful behavior and, finally, mistreatment of children in our family...why would I feel love? Forgive is not synonymous with reconciliation. I interpret the "with love" as not a personal love for the A, but as a global "love" which respects human dignity, including a respect for MY human dignity.
