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I had to have a conversation with my MIL last week and even though I am divorcing her son, I still have to pick up my 2 year old from her 1 day a week. She lied to me about something little and I knew it right away, I can't figure out why and never will. She has undermined me with my husband and kids for years and I have cut her just about out of my life. She told her husband my FIL that I am all over the place and controlling which he told me. I am so tired of this family that produced my AH that I could scream. They are so buried in suppression and denial and they told me I needed counseling that led me to Al-Anon and now they are mad at me since April when I decided to seperate from their son. My FIL went to treatment while my AH was in high school, but didn't stay in AA for long, but is sober, my MIL never went to Al-Anon and is buried in shame and guilt and is low functioning now. My husband drank through Jr High until now with just a few tries at being a dry drunk in between. They blame me for his drinking now, because he was sober when I left, he was dry and angry and I couldn't take it. I get stirred up whenever I have to run into them. I have cut the time they spend with my kids back and am wondering if I need to avoid them altogether. I can still communicate with me AH without all the games for the most part. This is really hard for me since I moved across the country from my blood family and they became my new family and we all were so tight until I wanted better for us all. I have no family anymore. I know I can't control any of my family to recovery or a program, but does that mean for me I have to cut them all out of my life and if I don't it seems the craziness will continue. Can anyone relate? Am I being intolerant? She has said some stupid things to my 13 year old about her becoming an A because of her dad and grandpa and I am just tired of it all. I NEED advice!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Aloha K...Just for me what worked was working the program of Al-Anon and focusing on doing that first and foremost. When I recognized how sick I was and admitted I had no power I understood "no power at all over any person, place or thing". When I understood that alcoholism touches everyone it comes in contact with then I under -stood that others would and could be as sick or sicker than myself and it would be hard to believe how many were from being around my alcoholic/addict wife. This disease is a killer...it gets you crazy and then takes you down not only the alcoholic. When I understood how sick they were I learned how to treat them with much compassion and understanding and also to not try to be self righteous or better than them. I loved them more and didn't try to change them. I set boundaries for myself around them and didn't participate in the insanity. They were just like me without the affect of Al-Anon. They got the Al-Anon affect when I was there.
Yes denial abounds however you can smile cause it is diminishing in yourself. Yay!!
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
Karen,
I think all the answers you are looking for can be found in the words of "The Serenity Prayer". Read the words again an apply them to your present situation.
I have the prayer on the wall at my business. "The Serenity Prayer" not only works while living with active alcoholism, but in all my affairs.
You are right! At times I am feeling self righteous, especially since they told me I needed help and that started me on this track, then they turned on me, when I realized we are all in the cycles of the disease and my blinders were falling off. It has made me want to rip everyone else's blinders off. Control I know, so I have had to back off a lot and focus on me. Then that made them mad at me. I am trying to learn how to deal with them without forcing any issues and without letting them hurt me further. There is enough hurt to go around and I want to choose healing rather than more of the hurt. You are again right I need to have comapssion for my MIL rather than be angry for the hurt she has sent my way, I need to forgive and really let go of this one. Hard lessons learned. Maybe like she blames me for my AH drinking I blame her for being so blind to it throughout his teens. Wowsers. I am lacking the understanding for them as the parents of an alcoholic. Hmm thanks for the insights. Being new to this I am all over the place maybe I need to start again with the steps? Sometimes I am so lost and others I finally feel found!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Karen I loved the responses that you received and then your response to them.
It is obvious you are keeping an open mind and are teachable Two great assets to recovery. Keeping the focus on ourselves and the serenity prayer are two huge tools that I use daily to change my behavior.
When I first arrived in alanon I wanted everyone in my family to attend and recover
They did not think they needed to recover and that they were perfect. They too thought I was insane, I might add I no doubt was.
I am so grateful to this program because I can now interact with my family of origin in a loving manner without invalidating myself They now accept who I am and really do seem to accept me. Something I could never have expected.
You hit the nail on the head when you said that your husb is now thier problem , it was much easier when they could make you responsible for him , same thing happened to me when my husb and I sep for a few months .. since I am a grandma ( and this is just my opinion ) the kids should have a relationship with thier grandparents as long as thier safe and until thier old enough to decide for them selves if they want to spend time with them . You pretty much have them figured out , use detachment when dealing with them dont take on thier crap or listen to the accusations . keep taking care of you , your the only one who can . Louise
Hi, flop. Boy, do I relate to you. I also left my family of origin, whom I do have contact with and thought I had found a new family when I got married. I am separated from my AH and luckily we do not have children together, but his family have blinders on as well and I have been accused by MIl for "sabotaging" him and various other accusations. It can be maddening but i am learning how to detach. This cycle of denial and displacing blame can make you go mad. I've felt at times that my MIL would like me to continue taking care of him and that his addiction is my problem...she has told me I need to look up meetings for him, etc. as if it is my responsibility. Anyway, I'm glad you are here and it sounds like you are working yoru program. I try to be grateful for my AH for leading me to Al-anon, because I have found such serenity with the program.
Your daughter is at higher risk because of having relatives that are alcoholic. They shouldn't try and scare her but it's important for her to know that, if and when she experiments with alcohol.
I truly identify with what you are talking about. You guys were tight as you described. When you are the 1 person to pull out, of course all the others will villainize you. When you are that close with people, there is no middle ground...We tend to go from love to hate in a split second. That is why I think loving detachment is such a focus in alanon. You are detaching, but their words and actions are still really hurting you. This is where support from alanon comes in I think. Also, you get to pick a new and healthier support system now....and it can be made up of people in recovery who want you to make good choices just for you. You are not alone.
Also...when you encounter this craziness, remember they are always going to side with their son because they are his parents. You could be so 100 percent right and they will still side with him. That is but another thing you are powerless over.
Keep coming back.
. They too thought I was insane, I might add I no doubt was.