Dear All,

You have been of such help to me in my struggle with my 27 yr old addict son, especially Jerry F, Canadian Guy, Xeno59 and Karen L.  Now, I am very sad because the police came last night to say my son had been found dead of an oxycontin overdose, in his squalid room in a house downtown on Sat. about 6 pm.   My wife sat me down in our living room, because I had not been home when they came and said "your worst fear has come true"..   I was shocked since I had been practicing detaching with love, and he had shown signs of doing better and wanting to return to rehab.  But he always made an excuse for not going (they won't let me smoke in that one, that one is not dual-diagnosis, etc.) and ended up continuing to work and use alcohol and drugs.  I was dumbstruck but today it really sank in as we went to the room, collected his things, and talked to the police.

He was such a beautiful son and I told him that often, and that I loved him very much. In spite of being clever, witty, and well liked by his friends, he had become a seasoned addict after more than 10 years of substance abuse, and his mind worked in strange ways and he made lots of demands on me.  I tried to find the right approach to detaching via this group, and my 3 or 4 F2F groups.  They all told me to do what I was doing.. not let him move back with us, make him make the treatment decisions instead of me, don't give him money, and let him hit bottom.  I was lauded for my successes when I would not give money, for example, or brush off skillfully his continued requests to live with us.  But just when I feel these little successes he goes and dies, making the whole thing moot and meaningless.    In rehashing, I am thinking maybe I could have used a little less tough-love and had him still living. Or at least stopped in and visited him last week when I knew he was having a hard time.  But I had a busy deadline at work and little free time that week. I had become sick and tired of hearing the broken record of self-pity and had made the decision to turn things over to my Higher Power.  So this was what happened... was it meant to happen I wonder?  I was also angry at him for manipulating me out of $75 last week and not paying it back, so I avoided him the week he was going back on opiates from alcohol after several months.  And that was what killed him... he was injecting the Oxy with needles he had bought Friday night.  And had gotten his new primary care Dr. to prescribe the Oxy for him a week ago, 30 day supply for free with his state insurance. It was a health dept. Dr. who did not know his history of addiction.

So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers in the days and weeks ahead.   Funny, I feel very sad, shaky, and fearful, but also a strange sense of relief, that this struggle will now not last my whole lifetime.  Maybe it is a merciful end for two long-tormented souls (he and I both).  And now that he is gone, do I still 'need' the program?