"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

jackgeo · Newbie

co-dependency

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and Welcome

MIP has just established a new CODA Board It can be reached by going to: http://www.12stepforums.net/coda.html I do believe all your answers can be found there

Good luck

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I echo Betty's reply as well, but for the record - this is how Wikipedia describes codependency....

Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.^[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.^[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.^[1]

linbaba · Veteran Member

We are brand new (over at the CODA board) and we already have good traffic and a great community, we are aiming at a solution based board where the focus is on ourselves and recovering from Co-dependency, unhealthy relationship patterns, relationship addictions, looking at causes and conditions, dysfunctional families and upbringings, we are looking at starting some book studies and step studies, in short, we are working on Recovery where the focus is strictly on ourselves, it appears we will be using a variety of sources, but so far the first project it looks like we will be undertaking will be a journey through Melody Beatty's codependents guide to the 12 steps headed by Linistea, whom many of you know actually

Please feel free to join us

In searching for information about Codepency I came across this definition, we have others posted there along with ESH if anyone is interested

lets consider what codependency is. Codependency is an overworked and overused word and definitions can be confusing. At core, it revolves around a deep fear of losing the approval and presence of the other. This underlying fear can result in manipulative behaviors that overfocus on maintaining another persons presence and approval. Control, obsequiousness, anger, caretaking, and being over-responsible are among the behaviors that can be the manifestations of codependent behavior. Because of dysfunctional family-of-origin issues, codependents learn to react rather than respond to others, take responsibility for others, worry about others, and depend on others to make them feel useful or alive.

Codependence also refers to the way events from childhood unconsciously produces attitudes and behaviors that propel people into destructive relationships in the present. The self worth of the codependent comes from external sources. They need other people to give them feelings of self-worth. Codependence is a particular relationship with ones self in which the person doesnt trust his or her own experiences. Lacking the inner boundaries necessary to be aware of and express their true wants, feelings, goals and opinions, they are other-validating.

Having only a reflected sense of self, they constantly seek affirmation and validation from other people because they are unable to endorse and validate from within. Self-validating people are able to do this. Co-dependents often focus on an addicts sobriety as a way to achieve a precarious sense of self- consolidation. Sadly, their behavior often perpetuates the loved ones addiction.

Codependent people believe they cant survive without their partners and will do anything they can do to stay in the relationship, however painful. The fear of losing their partners and being abandoned (once again) overpowers her ability to make decisions in her own best interests.

-- Edited by linbaba on Monday 7th of March 2011 12:56:20 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

30 someodd years ago when the term surfaced in Al-Anon from the psycological
clinical model it simply meant dependent upon what the addicted was dependent
upon and many of the membership screamed "I don't drink with him!!" and so
over time it has morphed to fit generally a person who's life is dependent upon
the existence and influences of someone else primarily and upon themselves
secondarily.

Before the term co-dependency arose we would speak of our disease as being
"enabling" which meant that even under our best thinking about what to do within
the disease to make things right or better the outcome was wrong and worse. We
enabled the situation to get worse even with our best thinking and behavior. That
is what worked for me and I still use it in regard to the disease. No matter what
we do it gets worse and continues to be progressive.

Good thread. (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"