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So AH and I have been separated for almost 2 months now. He is living back at home with his mom. He is still drinking and smoking weed. I have been doing my program and have learned so many new tools and skills. We agreed to try to "work on ourselves" and being together. I realized the 2 do not go hand in hand. I think as long as we are still talking and being enmeshed in the codependent/alcoholic relaltionship we will continue with the same behaviors. So I had this realization that if he is never going to change, then I do not think I can be in a marriage with him. He called me while with his smoking buddies and I told him I didn't want to talk to him while he was smoking and he said okay. I set my boundary and went about my business. Maybe I should have just left it at that, but I went one step further and emailed him saying i don't see a future with him as long as he wants to continue pot smoking, which has always been the big issue, and that I don't want to make future plans with him and starting talking about divorce. He is completely baffled and doens't understand what is happening and why my feelings have suddenly changed. I have been detaching and he is running around like a chicken with his head cut off because he is so far in denial...trying to talk to my friends, etc., to figure out "what's going on" even though I told him point blank. Anyway, MIL emailed me, which i expected, and i only read, "I promised myself i wouldn' interfere, but..." and stopped and deleted the email. I know what she is doing. Supermom to the rescue so he doen'st have to accept any responsibility for his actions. She is his enabler now and she has been his whole life...she is in denial too and wants to buy into the victim role. She is also codependent and has used her children in an emotionally incestuous way and i realized also that i had been trying to fill the emotional void I had from being in a relationship with my AH with a relationship with her. I have been burned recently by her though as she has taken sides with her son and I have felt ganged up by them. Anyway, I didn't react and I didn't respond but a part of me feels obligated to respond in some way. i guess to acknowledge it somehow. Or do I just ignore it and go about my business? It was her birthday on Saturday, so i just sent her an email wishing her a happy birthday but didn't mention anything about her email. I come from a family of denial and have entered into a marriage with a family of deniars too, so am i perpetuating the denial by not saying anything about my feelings? Just so confusing to know how to respond sometimes without reacting.
Thanks for listening and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I think you handled it perfectly. There is so much to be said for "keeping quiet" (or so they say..wink wink). It is a skill for me that requires a lot of refining. Just like here, we are able to take what we need and leave the rest. If all you needed from your MIL email was "i promised myself I wouldn't interfere..." then that's perfectly ok.
I recognized a peice of myself in your story about your ah. I too am separated from my exaH for 2.5 yrs. In the beginning of our separation I'd see him doing a,b,c that I found inappropriate and not consistent with what I wanted him to be doing or had hoped he'd be using our time apart for. Because I so badly wanted the relationship I would use the same tactics to try and prompt a certain response out of him. I came to learn that this was manipulation on my part. And it never worked. The tactics just became more and more emotionally draining. I'd try to make him feel guilty for how his behaviour was making ME feel. How his behaviour was appalling and immature and how and when he should "grow up". How his behaviour was the exact thing that was going to land him DIVORCED. etc etc etc I wanted so badly for him to stop doing what he was doing. And I wanted it on my terms, in my timing.
Then I began to learn about how I cannot control him. I didn't cause him, his choices, his drinking. I can't control him, his choices, his drinking. I can't cure him, his choices, his drinking. (the 3 C's)
I learned how to not respond to what I disapproved of, it took some serious detaching and letting exah find his own way, even thought it wasn't MY way. There were times that I had no certainty that he'd be alive the next day. There have been times when I pray long and hard for him that his HP will keep him safe. I have learned about "letting go and letting (HP) God".
I've gotten much better at concentrating my responses to a situation on how I really feel, instead of what I can do to make someone else do what I want. I'm still a work in progress.
Thank you so much for that, Rory. I do realize I am still using manipulation tactics to get him to change and I know I can't control him, so what am I doing? Well, I guess I am preparing myself for the future with or without him. I probably didn't need to drop the D word on him right this minute but I did it partly so I could get some kind of closure. I am having him sign a post-nuptial agreement so that our finances do not get commingled as our future seems precarious. I am looking out for my interests even though it may seem like control and manipulation. But yes, I suppose I secretly hope this will be a reality check for him. Anyway, I do need to remember the 3 C's even if I am not still living with him, so thanks again for your reply. I think I will leave the response to no response to MIL.
You sound like you have so much recovery and clarity.
I know that dilemma about how much to respond. In my family when I was growing up, my mother refused to respond to topics she didn't want to talk about. Like if I would say, "Why is dad spending all his time in the bedroom and refusing to come out?", she'd just walk away as if she hadn't heard the question. It was crazy-making, that's for sure.
So maybe because of that I have an unusual allergy to not responding. However, I think your serenity is the most important thing. If responding to her would pull you off balance and suck you into a debate, that is something you want to steer clear of, no matter what. And A's and their enablers know how to stop nothing to do that, don't they?
So I think you have taken care of yourself and that is crucial. In the long run, there will probably be more times when your A or his family or friends challenge you about your boundaries, maybe in person, so you might want to have a phrase in mind that you can say over and over so they can't push you any further. I don't know what that would be? They might say something like, "How can you do this to him? You know he needs you to get well!" Or "Why are you so hard on him, after all he's been through?" Maybe "I'm not going to get into it right now"?
But anyway, in this situation, thank goodness she was at a distance, not in your face, and your friendly but detached response (the birthday greetings) really took care of you. And you even deleted the e-mail instead of engaging by reading it! What recovery -- that is so inspiring.
-- Edited by Mattie on Sunday 6th of March 2011 09:28:03 AM
Thank you so much, Mattie, and thanks for the advice on thinking ahead...actually A's family is very passive aggressive so they probably wouldn't say anything to me about it...but I do need to be on guard for the passive aggressive attempts to lash out, so a good reminder. I guess practice makes perfect in the case of not reacting...I made the mistake of falling for her email before in which she expressed her "concern" and it just set off so much anger and resentment and it was a fight I couldn't win, so this time I said no thank you to the invitation.
Thanks, ((((blendergirl))))...the follow up is I actually got sucked into having to talk to her over a check she was supposed to deposit and she got me for a second but i detached detached and detached some more. I'm sure she didn't know what hit her! :)
kill them with kindness and when they get up, kill 'em with more kindness...:)
