Whether or not the alcoholic is drinking? - Al-Anon Family Group

Heather123 · Newbie

Whether or not the alcoholic is drinking?

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Heather,
I have been where you are today. My sober ABF has also been there for me when others have not. He is my best friend and I just could not understand how my love was helping his disease to exsist. When everyone turned their backs on him for drinking his mum, children , friends I was always there no matter what. when my own family and children were angrey at him as they watched the light within me die I would come to his defense. Then thanks to Al anon I realsied I was doing all the wrong things for the right reasons. I loved him, I wanted him to feel loved how could he get better if he had no one. Then in al anon I learn that many alcoholics can not stay sick without the enabling of people who love them. I did what was suggested to me in al non and began to step back and let my partner face the consequences of his drinking. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do it went agaist everything that I believed true love was about. Examples he took my car when drunk I rang the poice he ended up in court. when he turned up drunk I would not open the door. Well I did the first few times this took quite a while but I kept practicing he would be out side sayig he wanted to die and he needed me so I would let him in (this was not goof for either of us) I was setting boundaries then breaking them. In time I became more consistent if I said something I meant it and he knew it. In the end after I rock bottom that I left him to my partner went to rehab because I had loved him enough to let him feel the pain. I had learnt in al anon this is the only chance they have of getting better. One lady shared in one of our meetings that her husband feell each night so she would pick him up and put him in bed. After joinging al anon she left him on the floor but covered him with a blanket. After a couple of months he said to her. My drinking is getting worse I keep waking up on the bedroom floor. She had been trying to help but really she was hinderin him, he went to the doctors and is sober today. My partner has said to me he went to rehab because he had no where else to fall anymore no one was holding him up. He knew he could carry on or go to rehab and get better. If I had not stepped back he may still be active today. I hope my share helps my only suggestion is to get to as many f2f meetings as you can al anon has helped me more than I can put into words .
hugs

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Heather, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I hope you will find meetings and get lots of support from Al-Anon -- read the books and the boards, get a sponsor, and learn all you can. This is too hard to do alone.

In Al-Anon we learn the three C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. As you have seen, nothing we do or say can make them drink or not drink. It's all up to them to work their program and stay in recovery. This means that staying with him will not help him stay sober -- as you've seen. That's very sad, but it does mean that you don't need to worry that leaving will mean that he has a worse chance at recovery than staying. He is on his own path whether you stay or leave.

That said, we can delay their hitting bottom by cushioning them from the effects of alcoholism. One of those effects is that people don't stay around for the chaos and insanity that alcoholism causes.

I'm sure your boyfriend cares for you, but it sounds as if it's also the alcoholism that's begging you not to leave. "Don't leave because then my life will be harder and I don't want to do anything to change it. I want things just the way they are so I can keep on drinking." That's the mind of alcoholism talking. The part that "needs" you is that part. There is nothing you're doing for him that he can't do for himself. So to say that this is when he needs you most is not actually accurate. The alcoholism needs things to stay the same. What the man you love needs is to stop drinking and work his program. That is what he needs above all else. There's a saying about "Get out of his way and let God get at him."

This is a hard time. Please take care of yourself and work on your own recovery. You are precious and important too. Hugs to you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't understand what makes one think the A does not have to suffer?

Have you ever seen anyone detox?

Believe me they suffer. They can die if they don't have help through the detox. My FIL did die. He decided one day not to drink. It killed him.

I have seen addicts "kick" all kinds of things. They are horribly nauseated, throw up, had diarrea, get dehydrated, have horrible cramping, get the shakes, are hot, are cold, headache. Believe me, they are miserable.

Then they have all the mental and emotional things to deal with. When an A uses they don't learn anything. They do not mature. They drug away their pain.
When an A gets sober they may have to suffer people who have died during their using. just all the things they medicated away, hits them!

My ah lost so many people to death, his son has no love for him, his mother lost her home, just tons of things. Its a horrible upheaval.

I know it is not easy to learn to be ok with them using. WEll not ok but learning it is none of my business is what helped me.

I too loved my AH. I hated the disease. I feel when people are not real. When someone uses, I cannot find their heart.

I learned to just love him thru it all. Compassion, not keeping count of injury, forgiveness many things helped me to just love him. If he had any other disease I would and did stand by him.

HOpe this helps some. love,deb

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, the phrase "whether the alcoholic is still drinking" means that the alcoholic and I are not the same person. We are two different individuals - I do not have to be sick just because he is. This is very VERY important to my recovery, because before recovery, my entire life depended on someone else and what/how they were doing. If my AH was drinking, I was suffering physical consequences from fear, asking "what if" and living in the future of all kinds of bad things I invented in my imagination (projection), checking up to verify that he was drinking and when and how much, and living all the rest of the insanity he was living except that I was doing it sober. In recovery, I have begun to identify my own emotions and feel things because I feel them.

"Whether the alcoholic is still drinking" certainly does not mean that I would not feel sad to see my AH be sick. It just means that I am not the same person as him, and I do not need to be sick/insane just because he is.

Just my .02.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Great responses !!!

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