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So...my AH hasn't been to work in a month. He was on sick leave from June to November. Went back to work in December and January...and here we are again. He is still undergoing withdrawal from clonazepam (prescription). He can not get a doctor to help him any more. His own doctor told him not to come back. We have no money for the ehat and lights, groceries, etc. He had the nerve to ask me if I got paid today. I said I got paid last week, but almost the entire check went to mortgage. I DO believe in benzo withdrawal, but I DON'T support how he is handling it. He drinks about 2 qyarts of hard liquor each week and smoke sbaout a pack every two days. I told him if he would quit smoking and drinking (since he claims he is not an alcoholic, he is only self-medicating to survive the withdrawal), then we could give our daughter a decent birthday. His opinion is that we should let our sitter go ($200/week), since he is here to take care of the kids anyways. I refused...I think it is unfair to suddenly let her go, we lose out on a sitter who will probably never trust us to come back again...but most of all it opens the window for him to sit home on his a** full time with the excuse he is a stay at home dad. He is really angry with me right now. He told me if that is how I feel then he will go back on the 'xxxx' and then will I be happy? Hmmmmm....let's see a benzo zombie who does nothing but drink and sleep...or an alcoholic-coming-off-benzos who does nothing but lay around 24 hours per day (with some welcomed moments playing with the kids). I am so fed up. I don't think he has it in him to ever change. He just waits and waits for the world to make the changes for him. My lawyer confirmed that if I leave, then I pay him alimony. That is such a farce considering I have done EVERYTHING to hold this family and house together for the pst ten + years. I don't even make it to f2f anymore b/c he politely asks me to stayhome or he wants to go to AA himself (for the spirituality, not an alcohol problem). Anyways...fed up... thanks for hearing me out.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 4th of March 2011 06:54:24 PM
You have a lot to handle. What a stressful situation.
I'm glad you didn't let the sitter go -- he doesn't sound like someone who should ever be looking after children, even if he were willing.
I am very surprised to hear that your lawyer thinks you would have to pay him alimony. I was in a similar situation with my ex AH (I mean he was jobless and supposedly at home looking after our child), and there was no mention of alimony. I wonder if another lawyer would say the same thing? One thing I know is that the state mandates child support to the non-custodial parent even if they are out of work. It's a low level (around $200 in the cases I've known) but being penniless does not excuse them.
I can hear a fear that you are trapped in this situation. I hope some ways forward will open up. Keep on taking good care of yourself and your kids.
Hi Looking for peace, My partner has been completly sober now for 6 months and it has been very far from easy. I realise now that my expectations have been causing me a lot of pain I thought once he stopped drinking and was going to AA regulary that I would finally get the strong relaible partner I desired. The truth he is still an alcoholic he may not be drinking at the moment but his journey of recovery is only just starting. He has lots of changes to make.
I am very confused at the moment and have asked him for some space WHY? because I need to explore what I do have power over, I need to look at what I want and need, how I want to live my life. I am powerless over him and very ashamed to say that I punish him for being sick and not being able to give me what I need. I do not want to be this way. Today I do feel that I need to through myself into my programme, focus on me connect with my higher power. I am so sorry to hear that you have decided to stop you f2f. I hope my share gives you something and I pray you find your way back to the al anon rooms .
I hear you and know how really hard you are working and how hard living with this disease truly is
No he may not ever change but please keep coming back to alanon and this Board We are given such powerful tools that have enabled me to change.Trusting HP my life has moved in directions I could not have imagined and I was given the powerto do jobs and things I could not have imagined when I first entered tese rooms
Do not project, just keep showing up doing the net right thing and trusting HP
I want to start out by saying I love your strength in putting your kids first and not letting your sitter go. I also want to say I would look a bit deeper into the alimony aspect. I am going through a divorce now with a few similar circumstances and will not be paying alimony. And think about if it might be worth it in the long haul of your health. I don't know your husband and am not saying you should get a divorce, just saying if alimony is the only thing standing in your way, maybe take a closer look at that. I have alanon friends who still live with their spouses and are growing each day. I was unable to stay with mine and it is unfortunate, but I feel okay about my choices and future and the future of my children. I wish you the best in your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Aloha Looking...you might want to tell yourself that "I could be wrong" as I found out. I also said and thought, "I know she will never change" and my HP showed me that I was right only after I started admitting that I could be wrong. It ended up with my alcoholic ex-wife becoming the metaphor for humility before recovery for me. Where I was convinced that she would never get clean and sober she did it in a way that showed me that being humble means "going to any lengths" to get there. I am grateful to my HP for the lesson.
The first step is powerlessness and completely turning him over to your HP and not trying to grab him back under any means; mind, body, spirit and emotions. Put him in your hands and hold him up as far as you can and bring your hands back empty. Trust that with you out of the picture of his recovery he can and will find it with a power greater than you or him and a program of recovery. You will not know where or when and that is how it works. I didn't get to determine how and when but when my wife got clean and sober...she got clean and sober and that is all I wish for her...she was so very sick on all levels. Today I wish that for all alcoholics and addicts no matter how, no matter where, no matter when.
Turn him over...you could be wrong. (((((hugs)))))
