The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my first Al Anon meeting on Thursday night, and I'm so glad I did. I feel a bit all over the place. I even feel I don't really have the right to be at Al Anon or on these boards, as it's only my boyfriend and we haven't been together that long - just under a year.
I'm not sure of the rules here- how much should I share? I'm after some advice and maybe some comfort, too. My boyfriend is an alcoholic but hasn't had a drink since before I met him. I feel like this puts me in a weird situation - I have a choice to stay or leave according to whether I think I can handle being with an alcoholic. Everything I thought I knew about alcoholism has changed and it's so much bigger than I ever realised. He may be sober but being an A takes over his life completely.
I love him more than anything, but am I crazy in choosing to be with an alcoholic? He says he wouldn't be with one if he wasn't one.
Has anyone else here been in this situation? Do you feel you made the right decision?
If your going to have a relationship with an alcoholic our program will help alot two programs work well together and of course you have a right to be here in our literature it states if you have loved or do love an alcoholic you qualify for this program . are you crazy ? maybe a tad can they change ? yes they can in a normie relationship there are no guarantees that they will last and neither of our programs promises to save a relationship . I chose to stay in my marriage I am not sorry so many positive changes have taken place it was worth the effort , we have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home and I still attend 3 meetings a week he is and always will be alcoholic , to keep it simple we dont think alike our solutions to problems are not the same so I keep going to keep me sane . no one will tell you to stay or go that is no ones business but yours .
Hi Lou. I'm also in a relationship with an A, that I've never known while he was actively drinking. And, I completely relate with you're wondering if you belong here, as he's not actively drinking, and do I really have it that bad? Look at all these people whose loved ones are active A's...and so-on. Truth is, you came seeking Al Anon for a reason, therefore, you are in the right place, whether Abf is sober now, or otherwise. You're not necessarily crazy choosing to be with an alcoholic at all. My Abf is a wonderful man, who needs something from AA, and his AA friends that I will never be able to fulfill. That can feel hurtful and isolating. Working a program of your own, will help you in a myriad of ways. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm happy to see someone else on the boards who is with an A, never having known them drunk. *hugz* As for sharing, if you need to air it out, then do so. People won't give you advice though, but will tell you what worked for them, leaving up to you to decide what's right for you.
-- Edited by Rhivenn on Friday 4th of March 2011 10:42:21 PM
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~Rhivenn. __________________________________________________________________________________________ "You come to love, not by finding the perfect person...but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly." ~Sam Keen.
I too am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic BF from which I could just as easily walk away -- we don't live together, or have any kids together. I am not financially dependent on him, and we have no legal ties to one another.
I don't walk away because I do care about this man and we have many qualities in common that, at least on paper, make for a successful relationship.
I come to Al-Anon because I have been profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism in my life. First with my parents while growing up, then in many of my adult relationships. You'd think after being exposed to alcoholism as a child that I would run from it as an adult, but I don't seem to do that.
My ABF has been sober for the past 14 months but he isn't working a recovery program, so he still displays a lot of A thinking and behaviour.
Me, I recognize that I am quite damaged from dealing with alcoholism, so I need my own recovery program for MY sake -- whether or not I choose to remain in this relationship in the future.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I am also in a relationship with an alcoholic. He was not abusing for the first couple years of our relationship, but it gradually became unmanagable as time went on.
Sometimes I feel the same way, that he is just my boyfriend, should I be asking for help? I could have easily left when things were bad. There were times when I probably should have. But when it is someone you love, you want to be there for them.
Now we have been together for 6 years. He has been sober 6 months now, and is very active in AA. Hes a whole new person, the person I fell in love with, and I am so proud of the progress he has made.
I wish I had gotten help when he was an active drinker. I never thought I deserved the help, because I was just the girlfriend. I thought that he was the problem so why do I need help? Just recently I have FINALLY realized that we need to recieve the help too, but somedays I STILL struggle with feeling worthy. Im not sure why, but Im working of figuring that out.
Not sure if I am helping at all, maybe it isnt what you meant by your post, but I applaud you for getting involved, taking that first step of just asking. I didnt do that until just recently, and even if he isnt an active drinker, it is awesome you have taken a step to get information. You deserve it, a relationship is a team and even if you arent sure about the steps you need to take, asking for any type of help is a great step.
Thanks so much for your replies. It's so encourage to know I'm not alone in this and that I really should be here after all.
Seb, I feel exactly the same way - do I deserve to ask for help, if I could just walk away? But I think I've got to the point now where actually, I don't have the strength to walk away. I love him too much and I've got far too mixed up in his mess. I don't know how to handle it at all.
Thanks for the great welcome. I am in the right place :)
can they change ? yes they can in a normie relationship there are no guarantees that they will last and neither of our programs promises to save a relationship . I chose to stay in my marriage I am not sorry so many positive changes have taken place it was worth the effort , we have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home and I still attend 3 meetings a week he is and always will be alcoholic , to keep it simple we dont think alike our solutions to problems are not the same so I keep going to keep me sane . no one will tell you to stay or go that is no ones business but yours .
