The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the hardest decisions for me is to face myself in times of emptiness.
When I am feeling empty I tend to look everywhere for things to do, places to go, people to meet so that I do not need to face the emptiness that I feel. Tonight a friend rang me and asked me if I was okay?
"Yes, thank you." She went on to say that they had missed me at the meeting last night and she just wanted to call to see that I was alright.
Again I said, "Yes I am fine." Then I found myself stopping to think about the lie I had just told. "Actually, no, I am not alright. I am feeling quite down and struggling with tiredness and fatigue, and things are getting on top of me a little."
I realised that I can so quickly step back into that protective mode of denial and before I know it I am telling a lie. No I am not alright, I am hurting, I am empty, I am tired of struggling to show the world my smiley face and hiding behind a mask of joile de vie. No I am human and I need help and I need a hug and I need to be able to say I am feeling empty and that I need filling up with love, and tenderness and happiness and completion and success when I find I cannot do the garden, or the ironing or the hoovering or the decorating. I am NOT super woman. I have done all this for so long, but I am getting older and I am not as strong and as fit as I used to be and I am not able to do ALL that I did before and I have a big injury that is not letting me do these things and there is no one else here to do them so they just do not get done and now they NEED doing, they cannot be put off indefinitely, they need attention and they need addressing and I cannot do them and this has been going on for so so long and nothing changes. I try my best but I am actually injurying myself further by trying to do things I should not even be attempting simply because there is no one to do these things and they cannot be put off for ever.
It is NOT alright for me to hide behind a mask, to say all is well, that I am fine when I am not fine and everything is not tickety boo. It is right for me to admit them, look at them, and give them to God and ask for His help and lean on that powerhouse and those who are willing to commune with me...but if that is to be honoured then I need to acknowledge the truth of my situation when I am asked outright and admit when I need that help and community and care and not hide from it as though IT were wrong to feel this way in the first place.
It is PERFECTLY okay TO FEEL DOWN, TO FEEL LOW, TO FEEL TIRED, TO FEEL EMPTY however it is NOT okay TO JUST STAY THERE.
And when asked if I need anything in the way of help or if I am sick, I need to be honest.
JUST FOR TODAY I WILL BE HONEST AND I WILL FACE MY EMPTINESS WITHOUT FEAR AND WILL WORK THROUGH IT. Just for today I will acknowledge that I have needs to fulfil and not be ashamed.
With love,
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Thank you, Suzannah! I really needed that reminder today. Today, I am empty too. And, I'm trying to figure out who and how to ask for help for some very practical day-to-day things that aren't getting done.
Thank you for reminding me it is OK to feel down and ask for help getting back up.
That is very inspiring. If a friend said that to me, I would feel so much closer to her, but it's funny how the idea of my admitting to it makes me afraid that people will disapprove of me.
I read once that when we're depressed we have the reaction animals have when they're sick -- they hide away so predators don't get them. That makes sense for sick animals but not for us when what we really need is companionship and support.
It feels good to know that other people feel the same way sometimes too.
Thanks for the timely post Today would have been my Beautiful Son's Birthday He passed from this disease 3 years ago. I am grateful for program today.
I keep remembering the good times, being grateful for the many wonderful memories but I am running on empty I needed hugs, and just a shoulder and acknowledgement of the pain.
Thanks HP form my family they came through.
I do not have to be a rock I just need to walk with courage serenity and honesty.Today was a hard day.
