really need to makw up my mind - Al-Anon Family Group

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

really need to makw up my mind

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a tough situation. You have so much on your plate.

I really know that dilemma of waiting and waiting for someone to be capable of giving me the support I needed. Someone I know called it "starving on a diet of hope." You sound as if you're further along in your thinking than I am. My addict ex was so unable to support me in any stresses I was dealing with that I began to think I was abnormal for wanting the support. I began to think, "There must be something wrong with me for needing him to be able to talk stuff through with me." I don't mean the relationship, but other big problems that were happening in my life. (Not that he was good at talking about the relationship either.) He always had reasons that he couldn't give me support, but they boiled down to "You're expecting too much." I finally realized that I was looking for bread in the hardware store. I felt like, "But i've invested so much in this hardware store! It's got to have bread! After all I've invested!" Well, you can imagine how that worked out.

I guess the question we all have is when to cut loose and look to have our needs met elsewhere. In my case, the cutting loose was made harder by my addiction to him, and by that feeling of "But I've invested so much!" The final cutting loose was like chopping my arm off. But it was clear to me that even if I finally got a slice of bread or two from the hardware store (which I didn't get -- but I lived in hope), the timeline was too long to wait for the whole loaf.

I hope things become clearer for you, one way or the other, as you take care of yourself. Hugs.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You are heading in the right direction I like what you said at the end of your post, about taking responsibility for you.

I know for me when I completely had my life ok with out the A's support I was better. Then I just enjoyed his company. He was/is very sick. I had no expectations at all. Just took him as is for a long time.

I tell ya Tracy, I am glad I was forced to learn how to do everything. As now I know how to take care of most things myself.

BUT I know how you feel, wanting a partner to "take over" for awhile. I would love to have someone working, he took care of the tires, carried heavy stuff, paid the bills. I would love to rest.

But again I have learned to keep things simple, so my life is not so complicated.

He is very young in his recovery. It doesn't matter what others lives are doing, yours is important too! We all have a right to our feelings. I read about families and I think how I wish I had a family to be with. Even if they argued. But I still know they hurt in their own ways. No ones pain is validated any less than anothers.

My hope for you is to keep going on your own path. Focus on your desires and dreams. Believe me they can happen. Sometimes with out even realizing what was coming!

Love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.