The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My qualifier, my boyfriend, seems to be resentful of the things I am learing in Al-Anon. I have learned many coping skills and changed many behaviors. A few times after I has referenced some wisdom I've learned in a meeting or from Al-Anon literature, he will throw it back in my face. Like, "oh yeah!! That sounds familiar!! Why don't you think up something original!?!?!"
He is in recovery also, almost 3 years sober, and he is working steps too. I guess I just want someone to share experience and coping skills, or any advice at all. Thank you.
Thank you so much for the encouragment, Betty. I heard someone in a meeting today say that we have a disease that convinces us we have no disease. I am really trying to exercise some compassion when these situations arise. Neither one of us can cure or control the other.
If he is in recovery too then he must buy into the literature...Doesn't he spout the same sayings? We live by these steps and sayings because they work. Did he rewrite the big book in some way to make AA "original?" Nothing that works in AA is original..it is all passed down from person to person. I wonder why it is important for him to think he is making clever comments when really he is stating the obvious?
You don't say original things regarding recovery because if each of us had all the answers ourself, why would we go to meetings, read literature, and work the steps at all?
I may have just given you ammunition for an argument but anyhow...Just like folks say the alcoholic has to want it for themselves...You seem to know you are doing this for you...It doesn't matter what he says...even though I understand it is painful to not get support from someone you want it from and from someone that should understand.
ya know, these things you said are definitely things I COULD use as argument ammo, HOWEVER, you also helped put some things in perspective for me. When he said these things, they came from a place of hurt, for whatever reason.
You've definitely given me a springboard for a calm discussion of how our recovery is going, before it gets to the point of verbal jabs. Thank you!!
Now that my exaH is in recovery and working a program, I find myself a little resentful (I am also thrilled and excited for him and mostly for what that could mean for our son). I think it is because I know how to do business with exaH as a drunk - but my skills aren't such that I know how to interact with him as someone in recovery. It is difficult to explain, but sometimes fear of the unknown is difficult to get through.
I knew how to respond when exaH was drunk or flying off with this crazy statement or that one. I became really good at it too. I found a way to carry on with my life and institute plan B's as needed.
Now, while I am thrilled for him, there is a peice of me that is a bit like a fish out of water. I just don't know how to respond sometimes. And I find myself testing exaH with different digs, like what you say your bf is doing, "find something original". Sometimes for me the spouting of slogans and quotes does get a little irritating for me as well. To me, it sounds a little robotic, if not backed up with practical conversation as to what it means specifically to that person. I know some AA and Alanon people who can recite slogans left and right, yet find it difficult to apply it to their lives or exemplify it in any of their behaviour.
The way I see it, we are all works in progress. We are all putting one foot infront of the other, finding our way, to our greater good. None of us better than the other, just different. Perspective is such an outstanding thing and most times, when I can be learned of another person's perspective, I realize that they are a good, decent person, just on a different path than mine.
I told my AHsober that I would listen to my Higher Power and not him. (he left the marriage six year ago and wants a divorce). He blew up - "why do I have to wait for your HP to tell you what to do when I want what I want". Consider the source - a dry drunk who doesn't work a program. I called him on it. I told him he couldn't do what he is asking me to do. It is the disease.
