The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I can see what I have done in the past to make sure to please everybody. I am afraid of what people might think of me if I don't do what I perceive that they want me to do. Even though I know that I am doing the right thing for my kids in me, I still have a fear of upsetting my AH because I am no longer participating in the relationship. I have very clearly stated he is allowed to see our child. It scares me to set this boundary because I have always been the one to facilitate the relationship between me and him, and between him and the baby. So I know he is angry with me for not coming around his house. I chose to no longer be associated with him because he is active. It is not healthy for the children and me to be around that. So I would just like to know how it is that I feel so scared of him. Like I am doing something wrong. It is his choice to come see the baby. I have not denied him visitation. In his mind he thinks that I have because I don't bring her to him. Why do his words still echo in my mind about how he is not so bad, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, everybody does it and raises kids, I've been doing this for so long that I'm okay and my kids are okay, my ex leaves our kids with me, etc etc.
Okay so there it is. My big fear on the computer screen.
Now for the anger part. I'm so doggone mad at him for not coming to see our baby. He did not even call on her bday. It breaks my heart. It scares me because I know he is out there blaming me for all this. I just can't be around the drugs anymore. I have had it. So why do I still feel like this is my fault? Is it normal for me to feel guilty for enjoying my life, because I have been. My children and I have been doing so much better. We have been laughing and playing. Mom is in lighter spirits because she's working a program of recovery.
Days like today I am happy and free. Then I am scared and guilty. Happy and free, scared and guilty.
Will it even out soon? I hope so.
Is it okay to move on with my life? Why do I think I need permission?
I am glad you are taking care of you and the children
Someone at a meeting today stated: When I stopped People Pleasing--PEOPLE WERE NOT Pleased" That is so true and understandable. They what us to continue to please them and neglect our needs. Finally we see we need to care for our needs first.
When I changed from people pleasing behavior I too become fearful because it was not familiar and I thought the worst would happen. This is the affects of the disease of alcoholism This is one of the thinking patterns we are working to change.
I am glad you are enjoying your children . Share this at your meetings and with your sponsor. It sounds as if you have examined your motives in all this and have taken the right actions to care for your family.
Use a slogan to stop the self destructive thoughts and trust HP ODAT
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 3rd of March 2011 03:26:23 PM
Wish I had some bright and hopeful answer for you Kath, but my reality isn't necessarily a positive outcome, though your post did strike a chord with me.... As a male Al-Anoner, with my qualifier being my ex-AW, I was never concerned from a (physical) fear perspective - but today, some 8 years after having left her, and she being sober for all of that time - I still have a certain "fear" of her, and allow her to bully me (much moreso than I allow anyone else). She is still a manipulator, at times, and I allow it..... haven't quite figured out why, or if I will ever make it stop - I guess in my own mind/perspective I do have boundaries with her, but my reality is that she treats me unacceptably (after all these years), and I pretty much allow it....
I don't give it much thought these days, as it doesn't happen all that often anymore, but for me - I haven't been able to 'grow' through this one....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Yea it is an uneasy thing for me to feel manipulated. I am working on how not to allow it. It freaks me out. I get angry at it then I get sad that someone could do that to me, then there are times I think I actually want to be manipulated because it is just so familiar. It is familiar now, yet so uncomfortable. I hope this signals growth.
Manipulation makes me sick to my stomach. I really don't know how to deal with it, I want to learn how to deal with it in a positive way. Why I allow it could be the fact that I think I need to be told what to do? I' m not sure.
