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I really need some input. I have 3 sons, my middle one is an active addict/alcoholic, while the other two do drink but don't appear to have the disease, quitting alcohol at will. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic of 14 yrs & attends meetings daily. He is extremely judgmental re: my sons & calls them all addicts/alcoholics. He has a fit anytime they come over. Recently, two of them needed to use my shower twice because the well went out at their place. Today, my youngest & I exchanged trucks so that he could drive distance w/better gas mileage. He's returning it tomorrow & I'll return his. This set my boyfriend off, who called this enabling behavior ,(both allowing them to use the shower & trading trucks), & asked what if he drank while driving my truck. My youngest has not done anything like this before to warrant this accusation. Is this enabling behavior? I told him to practice his program, not just talk about it, & stay in his own "hula hoop". Thanks for any thoughts on this subject.
Yeah. It is sad that being in recovery does not always take some of the nastiness out of an alcoholic. I think the hula hoop comment from you was on the money. Just my opinion...No, I don't think you were enabling. Even if you were, they are your kids and that's your business. Also, we (in AA) are not really supposed to label other people as alcoholics...only ourselves. Being judgemental and having resentments is a sign of not working the program as taught (granted nobody is perfect) and it sounds like you know this. What I know about Alcoholism and the way alcoholics often approach relationships is that we often tend to hold our partners hostage and this would include isolating them from other family members so we can have them all to ourself (this pattern could keep going into sobriety...even at 14 years sober). Another thing: If he really thinks they are addicts/alcoholics, how is being nasty and judgmental going to help them get into recovery? Supposing one of them finally needed AA, they might not go now cuz they would associate it with their mom's boyfriend that tried to ruin their relationships with her. The responsibility declaration implores that when someone needs the hand of AA, I am responsible, not I am judgmental. Anyhow, you seem to be on to this...perhaps tell him he should call his sponsor on the matter and avoid the argument? I dunno. I hope the situation improves/works out.
Mark, thank you. I am so new to Alanon but I'm really trying to learn & change because I was such an enabler without knowing it. I listen very carefully at our meetings & try to take in the lessons that the experienced members have learned over the years. It's still so hard to change but I usually see my enabling behavior when it does try to pop back in now & I really fight to not fall back...I realize it will not help my son, but instead hurt him.
Your input was right on regarding my middle son. He actually went to a recovery program in Sept 10 & at 5 months, went back to using. He'd originally asked my boyfriend to be his sponsor but it was too close to home & when he opted differently, my boyfriend became very hostile towards him. It has definitely not helped him search out other options & he's stated he does not want to go to meetings where my boyfriend may be present. Can't say as I blame him, but I do realize this is also an excuse not to follow a recovery program, but this is my son's issue, not mine, & all I can do is pray a lot & continue learning my program.
I truly appreciate your willingness to share your experience & knowledge. It's really good to know that I am not out of line, crazy, or enabling & actually, I did tell him to call his sponsor. It's really his issue now & I just need to keep moving forward. Thank you so much.
I don't know how strongly your boyfriend has been working his recovery or whether he has some aspects of being a "dry drunk." But even if he's done a lot of recovery, being in Al-Anon is a different ball game. Just as we are powerless over whether people drink or not, we're also powerless over other people's relationships to alcoholics. It sounds as if he thinks he should manage your relationship with your sons. Even if your relationship were incredibly dysfunctional, that's your own journey and recovery means that he needs to take care of himself and stay on his own side of the road.
It also sounds to me as if he thinks that your other sons are also alcoholics or overly dependent in some way -- or how would lending your younger son a truck be "enabling"? That might be something worth looking into on your own account -- how your other sons are holding up, and also if there's some co-dependence in your relationship. A lot of us who've had alcoholics in our families have been sucked into the insanity -- it's almost impossible not to be. So it would make sense that some co-dependence might have developed. That's something for you to work out with the help of Al-Anon and your own sponsor, as your recovery grows. But this is for sure: your boyfriend berating you for stuff is not a very helpful way to move forward. However strong his recovery from alcoholism, he's now also in another relationship to alcohol, through your alcoholic son. That would call for some Al-Anon support for him too. If he's frustrated by it all, that's even more incentive for him to get to meetings.
My sons & I have gone through so much that we probably are very co-dependent in some respects. My marriage was abusive to both the kids & me & the divorce was horrible, including almost hospitalizing my middle son. The years that followed did not improve. Then a couple years ago, my longtime partner, who helped me raise the kids, died within 7 mos from cancer, followed by my ex dying from a massive heart attack at a local casino at 5am a year later. We've all struggled to make any kind of sense to life's curve balls & there's a kind of insanity within grieving. That being said, my sons are now 20, 22, & 26 & while I know I've certainly enabled them in the past, again, I've been trying to use my Alanon teachings with them also. They share their problems with me, I listen, but I don't offer an easy out like I'd have done in the past...I just listen, sometimes give my opinion but that's it...no money, no housing, etc. They need to grow up emotionally, not just go through the motions of independent living, & learn to rely on themselves for day-to-day issues, as well as take responsibility for their behaviors. That's what I've learned w/Alanon's guidance & hopefully I'm getting it right.
You have a good idea, Mattie...we actually have 2 longtime AA members in the Alanon group now & they're there for their family members. They say it's really helping them deal w/alcoholism from the other side. It may well be time for my boyfriend to look at the other side, too. Thank you.
It never fails to amaze me how little patience and understanding a recovering alcoholic can have towards someone who is doing what HE used to do . Dont listen to his rants ,walk away , and the situation you described does not sound like enabling to me at all . whats a shower between mom and son ? you offered the vehicle he didnt ask for it . hang in there Louise
Thank you all for your thoughts, your support, your experience on my enabling question today. It has meant so much to me to know I'm really doing ok with my progress & it helped me to understand a little more about the alcoholics in my life. When you do not have the disease, I've found it's so hard to understand it. And, while it strikes me as even stranger, even when some do have the disease, they don't understand it in those around them.
Your comments also gave me much to think about & work with. Again, thank you for your ready support & feedback!
I can tell you that sometimes I feel really annoyed by people who relapse and I think they want to be sick and stay like irresponsible little children forever...I sometimes judge and wonder why they can't do it if I can...It is not rocket science. Then I catch myself with my snotty attitude and say "there but for the grace of God go I."
It does make sense in a way though when you realize that what irritates us most is when we see things in others that we don't like about ourselves....Hence the saying "You spot it...You got it."
