The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Seriously. I have been reading all over the board and going through my alanon literature all day and I realize that I am being crazy. I am actually acting like an insane person. I want something. I don't ask for it. I hint, imply, pout, sulk, manipulate, threaten, coerce and even lie. But I don't just come right out and ask.
Why?
Why can't I just ask for what I want?
Because I might get told no. Which would be horrible and awful. The end of the world as I know it. The most painful thing I've ever gone through.
Yeah, this is starting to sound pretty stupid to me too.
I don't know where this fear of 'no' came from. But it is intense. It is at time cripling. It actually paralyzes me and I sit or stand there with a stunned look on my face unable to force words out of my mouth. A simple question like, "what do you want?" can send me into a full on panic.
I'm not only doing myself a disservice but I am also not giving anyone around me a chance to meet any of my needs. And I'm modelling some incredibly bad behaviour for my children. I need to stop this.
You know what I want right now. I want a hug from my husband. I feel raw and panicky and scared. We haven't touched each other for days. I would really just love to wrap my arms around him and hug him and be hugged back.
I so hear you on this! Great insight on your part, searching.
I grew up as the only child in a home with two alcoholic parents, and my emotional needs were never even acknowledged as real, let alone met.
I couldn't even hint or manipulate, I had so little expectation of success. For a long time I didn't recognize my own needs, or validate them as "normal". I still struggle with knowing what is okay and what is not okay.
Once I figured out what I needed and how to verbalize that, I still had to come to terms with the fact that the other person always had the choice to refuse to meet that need. And many times I wouldn't ask because, from my position of low self-esteem, I was so sure that I would be rejected that I preferred to carry on with my need unmet than take that risk.
For me it's still very much a conscious process of working out what I do need, then mustering up the courage to ask for it. I practiced in baby steps, asking for little needs from people whom I judged less likely to say no.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I asked him for a hug. I know that sounds silly, but it was huge. It was so awkward. And I felt like I was going to be absolutely humiliated and crushed if he said no. I had to actually take a minute and talk myself through it.
What did I really have to lose? Was I likely to get a hug just sitting there wanting one? If he said no was I any worse off than if I didn't ask? And even if he did say no I didn't have to choose to take it personally. It didn't have to be some huge statement about his love for me or the status of our relationship. It could simply be that in that moment he wasn't in a place where a hug would be good for him. And he has every right to respect himself and his feelings and say no if he needs to. So with that in mind I asked. Fully aware that he could very possibly say no. And that I would be ok if he did.
And he didn't say no.
I asked for something I wanted directly and it was ok.
But I can see that this is very muchly going to be a conscious process for a long time to come. Maybe just small things to start with. Things that I don't need so baddly. Things that the 'no' won't hurt so much for. That might be the way to start. I like that idea. Small needs from 'safer' people. That is a good place to begin for me.
I use to do all that projecting and fortune telling in my head also. I'd have the outcome present before I even asked and then I'd be wrong. LOL. One of the best acronyms I've received in recovery is the one for fear...F E A R - False Evidence Appearing Real. My head is not my friend especially if my self confidence is zero. My head dreams up all kinds of scenarious not based on fact and hands it to me like it is. Not any longer; when it starts to do that I turn away from it...a waste of time.
Man, I sooo understand this. I'm so passive aggressive. I've been working on coming right out and saying what I need or want, and also coming right out and saying when I don't like something or when I'm angry or irritated. It's been HARD, and I am still not good at it - however, just being conscious that I do not effectively communicate when I beat around the bush, and recognizing the behavior when I do it (even if I can't make myself change it when it happens) is progress. Before, I didn't know there was anything wrong with the way I communicated. It was the exact method of communication everyone used in my alcoholic family of origin. It's what I saw and what I learned.
I understood what you wrote about hinting, implying, etc. I do that.
Particularly when I don't like something (like, when someone asks me what I want to do and I won't speak up and answer - I'll just say, "Oh, whatever is fine" - and expect the other person to pick what I secretly want but I won't say), I will pout and eventually end up pointing out why the thing I secretly wanted would've been better. What the heck? Why do I do this?
Sometimes when I'm angry, the anger just builds while I say that nothing is wrong and I'm fine - while slamming cabinet doors, sighing, or getting silent. Eventually the anger comes exploding out sideways, and gets directed at something entirely different than what I am actually angry about.
Sometimes if I want something, I will say nothing and then get sad/resentful that someone else did not read my mind.
Although this behavior still happens sometimes, I have made a very honest effort to begin to identify it and start making changes. In my fourth step, I was astounded at the huge amount of resentments I stored up against people for not meeting my needs when a) I'd never actually opened my mouth and expressed them, and b) I was relying on someone else to meet a need that the only person that can meet for me is ME. AMAZING.
Just the effort of coming here and posting so honestly shows your progress. Keep being honest, and keep coming back!
Seriously. I have been reading all over the board and going through my alanon literature all day and I realize that I am being crazy. I am actually acting like an insane person. I want something. I don't ask for it. I hint, imply, pout, sulk, manipulate, threaten, coerce and even lie. But I don't just come right out and ask.
Why?
Why can't I just ask for what I want?
Because I might get told no. Which would be horrible and awful.
Dear Searching
I loved your first paragraph WOW what insight and courage. I heard so much recovery from your awreness and felt YOU are another Miracle in Progress.
When I focused on myself I too found all the destructive means of communications I had learned very early in my childhood. The manipulations that you describe, the hinting the game playing may have worked as a child in my family of origin but it certainly did not serve me in my adult world. I also had the insane idea that people should be able to "read my mind"--know what I wanted, acknowledge me at every moment . As you noted- I could never express my needs because in my family if "THEY" knew that I wanted something IT WAS WITHHELD and I was manipulated with it.
Thank God for Meetings and this Board It was at meetings that I did gain the courage to express my idea and needs knowing that I would be heard and that no one would cross talk or tell me what to do or how crazy I was. How powerful it is to be heard and to express my ideas!!
The steps, slogans, sponser, all were my tools to recovery.
Just wanted to throw in that my favorite expression is: Whatever! I also use 'wherever', 'I don't care', and 'whatever you'd like'. Pacifying someone else or pleasing someone else to avoid getting what I may or may not want. I beat around the bush, hint, glare, use sarcasm, etc all in an attempt to NOT get what I really want??? What the heck is that all about, LOL?
Again, just wanted to come on and say that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
I brought forth memories for me from my marriage where the exAH and I would just go through these long stretches of avoiding each other on so many levels, and physical touch was one of them. My exAH may have been a total ass in a lot of ways, but I will always give him credit that when I'd ask him for a hug, after I'd had too much with the avoiding, he would give me one.
Like you, too, I was scared to ask for it because I didn't want to possibly hear "no".
For me, it was my investing all my happiness in someone else. Rejection would be paralyzing because I invested all my hopes and self-worth in that request.
I realize it will continue to take me time and practice to learn how to ask for what I need and not invest so much in the possible outcome.
