The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel so guilty, angry and hurt. Have hardly talked to A bf all week. He called me as soon as I got off work today at 3 p.m. He assumed I would be going to his house after work today since I haven't seen him since Monday morning before work. When I said I didn't know if I was going to visit him, he was sarcastic, like he has no idea what could be wrong with me. I told him I feel like there's a problem and he says there is no problem. After a long pause he told me he loved me and I said I loved him too and hung up. Part of me feels guilty for not seeing him, like I am pushing him away when I know it is his alcohol use that is pushing me away.
I've told him it feels like a million times I don't want to be around him while he is drinking. All he'll say is he misses me, wants to hold me and doesn't know what else to say. I am silent because I don't feel like repeating myself 1000 times or listen to him go off because telling him his drinking is a problem for me makes him angry.
I'm angry because he is oblivious to my needs. I am hurt because he is losing me and he acts like we are fine.
Dont expect an alcoholic to be fine with your boundaries. Any adherence would mean an admission of his disease on his part.
He is going to test you and try to manipulate you back. Alcohol is everything to them, Nothing is more important. Remember the boundaries are for your sanity and serenity, not for him. Remember to examine your motives.
You can only be hurt if you allow yourself to be. Better to be hurt and challenged by your own boundaries then by an alcoholics irratic crazy chaos.
Nobody said this was an easy path, the only way that he will stop drinking is to enter a program and then you will know that he is serious, even then there are no guarantee's.
Separating the disease form the person is sometimes hard, that's where you were today. But you have a boundary in place and made a decision you do not want to be around him when he is drinking. He knows the rules. The boundary is about you and for you for your protection. To protect your serenity and peace of mind. You are not the one making the choice not to see him.....alcohol is. You are doing what is right for you. Have no second thoughts.
Don't feel the least bit guilty because of choices he is making. I have no doubt he loves you, but it's a fact that alcohol is always # 1 in an alcoholic's life. Always. It comes before family, friends, and people they love. It's not the person. It's the disease.
Honeypie you have made changes in your life and you should be proud. Now the ball is in his court. It's his "Little Red Wagon", he can push it , or he can pull it, but you don't have to ride in it.
Just about all active alcoholics are extremely self absorbed. I know I was not capable of seeing things from others' view points until I stopped drinking and really examined my own behavior through a thorough 4th step.
My A bf called tonight while the kids and I were watching a movie. I told him what we were doing and said I would call him once the movie was over. Well, he called back 3 times in the course of 10 minutes. I hit end on the calls, not answering, because my kids and I were engaged in our movie as I had told him previously. True to my word, I called him back after the movie and then he did not answer. I guess it is a game to him? Maybe he feels ignored so he was ignoring me? That is my theory. Anyway, I text him once telling him the movie was over and I had called and was free to talk if he wished but haven't received a response. I will turn the volume off on my phone when I go to bed as he has been known to call at all hours of the night waking me because he has no idea of the time and wants to talk.
I have no idea what I would do without this board! I have learned so much from everyone. You are all truly a blessing in my life....
Honey Pie...I agree you are doing great...Just be careful about wondering all the time what he is thinking and what his "game is." The boundaries you have set are so that you can have a way out of the games and insanity... Stay strong!
