The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As some of you may remember, last month I was the wife with hate in my heart towards my husband who was in rehab. I was the wife, who at times thought my life would be easier if he would over drink himself and die....
He did his 30 day rehab, came home, and I kept my space. I did not encourage him, I did not clap my hands when he would take a shower or go to work. I did not want to listen to his AA stories. I kept my space.
After 3 days home, I could see a change in him. I told him I felt he was going to relapse. I could see it coming. Back to the same old behaviors & same old crap of sitting there in the kitchen drinking pots of coffee, just not whiskey this time.
About 5 days after that, he never came home on a Friday night. I got in my panic mode. He stayed away for the weekend, called & texted his mean verbal words. Of course, I knew what that meant. (drunk). That Monday, he walked into the house and the smell would of knocked you down.
He told me he was moving (like 2200 miles away). We both cried and released alot of emotions. It was the first time in years, he finally admitted how bad he felt for the things that he had done to me and the family.
He rented a truck, loaded a couple of things and off he went. He is now working 15+ hours a day and has NO time for AA classes. Tells me this is his recovery. He calls me everyday, sweet as can be...He said he will send money to pay the house payment & bills, that he never wants me to worry about that anymore. He lives with a sober family member, who cooks, cleans, does his laundry and even makes him a lunch.
Im here trying to take care of everything from the house to the business. Very tired to say the least.
What he is thinking: That I will sell everything & move there with him or he will give this job a month, and if he doesnt like it, he will move home.
What Im thinking: I love him very much and I miss him. (The person I married and the person Im hoping he will become) Wondering if im just lonely or living in a fantasy world of what will never be. He can be the sweetest person ever, but thru recovery I would have to say, his living skills are not much different than drunk. Like taking a shower or working everyday. He could not get his skills or motivation to work for himself here. But working for someone else, is his cup of tea. Im happy for him in that aspect. Im thinking, why does he always get things so easy and Im always the one left holding the bag. Wondering if my recovery alone, is enough to make the marriage work. Then I stop and think: I AM NOT A FIXER!!! dumb thought I had for a minute! Then, he calls me, sweet as can be....My feelings get all mixed up again...
OMG..Does the wheels ever quit turning?
Guess, Im sitting here today, feeling sorry for myself and wondering what Im suppose to do now in my life. Wondering what move to make next. Wondering what feelings are true or false.
If he would of left the state when I was angry, I could of handled it better, but getting to see him for one day as a sweetheart, then leave...Has twisted my head, once again....
Guess I thought rehab was the magic pill...Now wondering if his move is the magic pill....
Alanon, has helped me alot, but somedays none of it makes sense, guess because Im overly tired and just want normal in my life...
Just when I thought I survived the storm, Im in a hurricane....
Sometimes a geographical is necesarry for someone to recover. I think substituting one addiction for another is dangerous (work for booze) but it's healthier for sure. I have seen a few people get sober without AA but they almost invariably engage in radical addictive replacement behaviors whether it is working nonstop, fundamentalist religion, working out to the point of being emaciated... The 12 steps would give him coping skills for dealing with life in a balanced way.
As for you....I hear loud and clear how tiring it is to be stuck in his insanity and the insanity of the disease. I hope you keep nourishing your spirituality because there is solace and serenity there.
One saying amongst a million I latched onto in recovery (since you are talking about storms here) is this: Life is not about weathering the storm, it is about learning how to dance in the rain. (sometimes this relates right back to reading page 417 in the big book for me...Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today...)
It sounds as if you are experiencing what many of us have: that stopping drinking doesn't stop the problems. They need a full program of recovery before they can begin to tackle the other problems (like not knowing how to live a stable life), and the first year or two is often really rough going. It sounds to me as if your ex has not definitely become sober, though. Coming home drunk is not such a good sign...
So now he's trying to remain sober by "doing a geographical." Maybe being in a different place for a while helps him start anew, but if he's not working a program of recovery ... well, you probably know what the chances are. We always hold out hope that they'll get on the straight and narrow, but he's already off in the wilderness stomping around yelling, "I'm perfectly fine, I know where I am, no problem!"
Which leads back to the same question as always: he's going to do what he's going to do; what are you going to do?
I know that situation of life being on hold until the drinker gets his act together ... life can be on hold for years and years ... I wonder if it's time for life to stop being on hold? If you had a crystal ball and you knew he wasn't going to stop drinking, what would you do next?
Maybe time for more Al-Anon meetings? I don't know if you have a sponsor? Are there other ways you can take care of yourself? You need a lot of support to go through this. And as the saying is, When you're going through hell, don't stop. Hugs to you.
