Hi Everyone - Al-Anon Family Group

Steph444 · Veteran Member

Hi Everyone

Rhivenn · Member

Hi Stephanie. You found a good place here, with good people. Your husband sounds very much like my ex-husband, who was a binge drinker, and a total control freak, manipulator and verbal abusive &%$#. This may or may not be related to his drinking, but if his drinking is negatively impacting your life, then you're in the right place. Personally, I think you are anyway, even if his behavior isn't alcohol related, as in the walls of Al Anon, you can learn to nurture yourself, in spite of your spouse's behavior. I'm truly sorry that you're living this way - nobody deserves such confusing and hurtful treatment. I"m fairly new here myself, so there are no doubt others who can give more experienced insight, but I wanted you to know you're not alone in what you're feeling and experiencing.

*hugz*
Rhivenn

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Steph

Welcome! You definitly landed in the right place. First suggestion is for you to find an alanon meeting in your area and start attending. They will welcome you give you literature etc and you can sit and listen to your story being told over and over and what these people do to achieve peace and serenity in thier lives. Even when they are living with an active alcholic.
What we do here in alanon is work the exact steps as AA only in a different context because believe it or not you are sick to. This program is meant to get you healthy mind, body and spiritually.
Your husbands behviors are very typical. Alcoholics look for any scapegoat they can find to blame for everything that is going on in thier own life. They want to argue so they can go drink and blame it on you.
You are right when you said you dont recognize him anymore or something to that effect. Pls know right now when you talk with your husband weather he is sober or drunk you are talking to a disease, not the man you once knew. This disease protects it self at all costs. You are feeling left out, unloved, unappreciated etc that all goes with the disease. Your husband at this point doesn't have the ability to be there for you emotionally, physically or any other way his disease wont allow it.
He will find recovery in his own time, for now its up to you to find your recovery for you and yur child. One healthy parent is better than none.
I can promise if you work this program your miracle is out there for you.
Blessings

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My husband was the nicest person. Treated me so well.
When I experienced his "transformation" was when I was taking care of my dieing mother.

It was horrible. I called him to just hear his voice. He said vial horrible things to me. I was so shocked I handed the phone to my sil.

I told him to get out of the house, did not want him there when I returned. He complied.

Then wooed his way back. For awhile he tried really hard to be like he used to be, but failed.

It was horrible. The disease took him away. I just divorced him less than a year ago.

I had to learn to protect myself. Stuck money away, took his name off my mortgage, he is not on the loan. I ended up losing everything anyway. But with a child I would be setting this up to be protecting my kiddo, even if that meant leaving.

You and daughter are going thru emotional and mental abuse. It tears us down, makes us sicker, more vulinerable.

Your husband is being controlled by his disease. It is up to him to get help. He is the only one who can help himself. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to protect ourselves from the behavior of the A. If he was clean on program, he would want you to do this.

He is very sick.

Face to face al anon meetings are very important if you can get to them.

To understand you can search addiction and or alcoholism. I needed to know what was going on. It helped me.

He is not in control of himself. Drinking causes chanages in how they think, they are not the same person. yes they can be rude, heartless, mean, liars, selfish, dangerous.

It's no different than if they had cancer. It is our time to be as strong as we can be. Not allow the disease to infect us too. Al Anon can help with this.

Hugs!! debilyn

Steph444 · Veteran Member

thank u all so much. I'm obviously still trying to wrap my head around all this. I've read some stories and could have sworn they were about my husband too. Guess I'm at the right place. I don't understand something though. How am I supposed to be peaceful when he is being a jerk to me? I don't understand WHY I would want to do that. But ill take any wisdom right now. Thank you all so much

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Steph and welcome to MIP and hopefully Al-Anon. You have come home. Please
read earlier post from other newbies both male and female and note that the problem
is alcohol/drug (ism)...addiction; a compulsion of the mind, allergy of the body that
can never be cure and only arrested by total abstinence.

Your "He" is among other things affected by a mind and mood altering chemical which
he has a compulsion, obsession and addiction with an allergy to. You also have the
allergy...He drinks and you get sick from it.

Don't take the disease personally. It is really aimed at him and spilling over to others.
The cruel, words, thoughts, feelings and actions are first aimed inwardly before they
are thrown out at you and that doesn't give you permission to accept them and
permit them. You have done a proper response to the alcoholic acting out...call for
help is only one alternative of many available to us and it takes courage to act on
any of the alternatives...courage and faith. It is good that he knows you have the
courage to call for help as that informs the natural power and control and manipulations
of the disease to maintain boundary. Good for you!! As a substance abuse counselor
I use to encourage my families of alcoholics and addicts to do the very same thing
and use to do it myself if the alcoholic/addict attempted to act out in groups.

I hope you take the suggestion of attending open Al-Anon face to face meetings in
your neighborhood. Al-Anon saved my life as I have been in more than one
addictive relationship and/or marriage. Am I stupid...no...I was born into the disease
and what doing what I was taught to do from an early age. Because of Al-Anon I do
it less frequently if at all. The hotline number for Al-Anon is in the white pages of
your telephone book. Find it and call to learn where the meeting places and times
are and go as quickly as you can. Don't worry about how he will feel about it...the
disease doesn't care how you feel about being abused. It might even help him find
recovery for himself. Don't go for that reason. In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.