The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was responding to another post when this thought came to me - maybe I'm the only one doing it, maybe others do it too.
Do you tell others the truth about what is going on in your life? I don't mean telling people you're going through hard times but actually naming the trouble and talking openly about what it is doing to you and your "A"? And, I don't mean with just family that already knows the problem but others as well?
I'm speaking of naming the elephant in the room - when I talk to different people about why he's not living with me; I seem to have no problem telling them that when he chooses alcohol over me, i have to choose whether to live with it or not; and I've chosen not. It's led me into deeper conversations about other people's problems with alcohol/addiction, some good advice and unexpected fellowships.
Is it a deep, painful, shameful, secret that only you, your family and al-anon knows about or ???
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I only talk about my own experience - never my AH's. I feel that his alcoholism is his to discuss with those he chooses to tell - like it is his issue to talk about. Unless I have permission and he knows I am talking about him (like, I got permission and mentioned him only very tangentially to tell about my own recovery when I told my story at an open AA meeting), I don't...I had to put this framework in place because gossip was a problem for me before recovery. *blushing* In recovery, I've discovered that talking about my AH and his problems actually helps keep my mind focused on HIM, rather than on ME.
I will talk about my experience with alcoholism, though. I do not feel that having relationships with alcoholics should be any more shameful than having relationships with people with other diseases. Growing up, my family of origin had the code of silence about it. Nobody mentioned it ever, for any reason. If someone did, immediately everyone else denied there was a problem on behalf of the alcoholic, expressed the need to continue the secret, and very quickly changed the subject. I do not have that environment with my own children. I have been trying to explain the difference of expressing feelings to a trusted person (like a parent or a sponsor) and gossiping (telling 10 of my closest friends every detail about someone else's life). I try to convey to him that expressing feelings is always okay, but that gossip hurts.
If you are an Al-Anon Member and your alcoholic is in AA our traditions suggest that we hold anonymity and the anonymity of our alcoholic partners. Telling others that you believe that you are being affected by the disease of alcoholism and what has happened and what you have found out does name the elephant in the living room and the shroud over alcoholism needs to be pulled back so that solutions can come forward more willingly and openly. Not talking about it openly and tactfully keeps it in the dark like it hasn't existed for 1000s of years. ((((hugs))))
I learned a secret from my wise old sponsor, and he used to remind me to always "check my motives"..... if I was telling someone about my wife's alcoholism because I needed to share/vent etc., i.e. for my own well being, then it was okay to do so.... If I was doing it purposely to shame or hurt my A, then it was not okay for me to do so.... the 'gentle mirror' approach typically worked with me....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Growing up in an alcoholic home where the problem drinking was completely blanketed in secrecy and pretense, I came to hate the lying. So I became very bluntly open about my parents' alcoholism.
When my mother died and people asked me what she had died of, I said simply, "Cirrhosis". I have no idea how my father explained it to people, since he has never said the word "alcoholic" even when she was lying in hospital with a failing liver, let alone applied it to himself.
I'm open about being in Al-Anon too, except I don't say why I'm there. Since I've been so open about my parents' alcoholism, people just naturally assume I attend because of them. Only a couple of people close to me are aware that my BF is also an alcoholic. I have always protected his anonymity because he has a high-profile job and knowledge of his alcoholism would have extremely negative repercussions for his employer. So, in actuality, I'm protecting his boss.
So being oversupplied with alcoholics in my life provides a sort of anonymity.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
