The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can understand accepting things that may not be as I want them. But we are also told not to accept the unacceptable. What do you do with the unaccpetable?
After 26 years of marriage, my alcoholic husband started spending money and decided to get a loan and open a private bank account... all without my knowledge. This was unacceptable behavior to me, although so much had already been lost emotionally, as well. For me, we no longer had a marriage. So I filed for divorce for the simple reason that... it was no longer a marriage, I accepted it. I decided to live by the statement, "To thine own self be true."
Things are very different today financially... but I made a decision, money is no longer my higher power. I am on a spiritual journey today. I trust a Power Greater than myself, all is going to be well because my Higher Power loves me.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 1st of March 2011 06:54:26 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 1st of March 2011 07:09:19 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Not accepting the unacceptable partly for me is not taking it personal as in a personal hurt. My value system is my value system and the world is not mandated to own it also and follow it. Not accepting the unacceptable is not judging what other do or don't do (hard and needs constant vigilance) as being right and proper or wrong in any sense of the word. Not accepting the unacceptable is adopting grace, mercy and tolerance and compassion for others not that they are less than me but because they are as human as I am. Not accepting the unacceptable puts me in a attitude of accepting the fact that things often don't go as I believe they should, that often I also can use others acceptance, grace and mercy otherwise I set myself up for failure. We are not saints and recovery is about progression not perfection.
Accepting the fact that these things go on without my permission or awareness allows me the grace to let go and let God and go on with my own life not directed by what others may or may not be doing around me. I am not the center of the universe.
What do you do with the unacceptable is your question. if its really unacceptable to us , doesnt that mean we remove ourselves from the behavior thats unacceptable. If its a boundary you have made and another crosses that boundary. What do you do??
Its all up to you isnt it.
From all your posts I have read it appears your very miserable in your relationship with your wife and you think if you somehow sacrifice your happiness to protect your daughter that its worth it for you. That is entirely your choice. In doing this , then there has to be a certain amount of acceptance for your wifes behavior, with no judgements in order for your co-existence to work. Im hearing frustration because you think your wife is going to change. Doesnt seem like its working for you...
You know , there are successful divorces....it doesnt have to be a negative thing.
Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 2nd of March 2011 01:51:54 AM
Mj good morning, I have changed my thinking on unacceptable things, mostly the things that hurt me are concerning the mistreatment of others that I deem unable to stand up for themselves, I have had and still have huge issues with in my humble opinion the way that I percieve the ism;s of alcholism affecting my children, I have taken the bullets I have tried to limit tha damage, and after alot an awful lot of anxiety and umpleasentness I wondered what I was actually teaching them, I have tried to stop being the go between, it's such a vicious circle hubby upsets kids Katy intervenes, everyones falls out, I have chosen not to take on someone elses battle, I was wrong, my children have to learn that people are all different we all handle things in our own way, I am not always right and when I stand back and let life play out on lifes terms it really is always ok in the end.
It has been really hard to realise I was actually capable of using this martyre superiority complex for justification of self, we can get so comfy with things without realising it doesn't have to be that way, we will not be around forever sometimes we just have to bite the bullet!
In my situation I finally decided what was unacceptable behavior in my marriage was continued infidelity, lies, and a pretty stubborn resistance to even making a small effort to try to do things differently.
I'd come to accept that this was just who my exAH was and he was NOT going to change. EVER.
I'd come to accept, too, that I didn't want to live with it. I often told myself that the situation at hand could possibly be as good as it gets, and knowing that, did I want to continue to live with it?
I had to work through a LOT of fear to come to the decision that the best, most loving solution for me would be to leave. It's not easy leaving someone when my mind has thoroughly convinced myself through the years that I wouldn't be able to make it without them around. I had to take a leap of faith and just go for it - but it helped tremendously knowing I had built a fantastic support system around me of great friends both in the program and out who'd help me if I asked.
Lord knows I TRIED to accept my exAH for who he was and what he did, but I just continued to feel hurt and angry with every new indiscretion on his part. I joked in one meeting that a person would have to be a saint to be in a relationship with my exAH and not be bothered whatsoever by all the crap he did. I recognized I'm no saint and accepted my limitations and did what was best for me.
