"My problem is me" - Al-Anon Family Group

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

"My problem is me"

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Beautiful. I applaud you.

Powerlessness. (deeeep breath) For me, I had to focus on Steps two and 3 to begin to feel better, it helped to read the stories of how people came to believe in a Power greater than themselves and then developed faith. Can you cuddle up in your favorite chair and read some al-anon books today? Perhaps that will get your mind off of him.

I also like to say this prayer:

"God, please remove my fear, and direct my attention to how you would have me be."

It's going to be okay, sweetie. (((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 27th of February 2011 01:05:33 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I also need to focus on that idea..."My problem is me" and understand that it doesn't
mean that it's all about me or that I am the cause of others' behaviors. My problem
is about how I react and respond to that which I am powerless over when it is right
in front of me. Your first response, for me, is how I like to respond and then I need
to let go of the next. I have no control over the thoughts and pictures that my fear
draws on the whiteboard of my mind and heart...False Evidence Appearing Real is
what goes on with my fear. My head is reacting to false evidence which has the
feeling of being real and then I am off and running.

Part of my problem is after I respond appropriately...not falling into the fear "of" or
the other fears. I have learned that the opposite of feeling fear is feeling love a
condition of acceptance without condition of every person, place and thing around me
including me. For me that is being inside of my Higher Power who is named Love and
who has been that for me when I've been either or both the problem and solution
myself.

I will continue to practice that first response VVT...the "Softer, Loving, touch" response
because that works best. ((((hugs)))) smile

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Very Very Tired wrote
Of course, defensiveness ensued with AH telling me I didn't handle the situation so he had to and that next time AH will just let me deal with DS.

Then, I read ODAT's reminder: "The alcoholic is not my problem. My problem is me." My anxiety is mine. I expressed my opinion about parenting our children. I protected our DS as a mother should. There should be no guilt or anxiety in that. My anxiety is mine to deal with because I am afraid of letting go. I'm afraid of my AH's reactions.

This is Me. My problem. It's my fear.

That is a hard lesson to learn: "My problem is me."

Very Very Tired:

It's a tough lesson. As Jerry brought up: it's our response to what happens that is our responsiblity. So difficult to accept that fact. No one to blame. Our society taught us to point fingers. Time to unlearn.

Congrats on your realization!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Very Tired
Great shares and great awareness on your part. I would just like to say I too loved to look for someone to blame and then criticize others and feel justified in judging them and gossiping Wow so many defects no wonder my life was unmanageable.

I was not taking any constructive actions. I was merely pointing out the problem assigning blame and feeling so very much like a victim I did not even think that these behaviours were destructive, so non productive and most importantly never solved an issue.

Alanon gave me new constructive tools to replace the blame and judgment.When I started to use these tools I was empowered, was no longer a victim and found my self esteem. I had time to really live and enjoy life-- One Day at a Time

I finally learned to take responsibility for myself, my feelings, my needs and trust HP
by learning to

Focus on myself (find my part)
Learn to say what I mean mean what I say and do not say it mean
Examine my motives in a situation

What a gift of freedom this has been

Thanks for the topic

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your post made me smile , my sponsor yrs ago slipped me a note in a meeting and asked me not to open it til i got home . I forgot about it and found it a few days later , all it said was put this on your mirror , YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE PROBLEM . damn I hated that note . Yrs later note long gone I swear I see it every time I clean my mirror in the bathroom .. big lesson . Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I still remember when my thoughts changed to, ok I will do it myself. Now it says I can do anything, anyone else can do.

I rememer feeling so freed when I realized it was ME I could change, and make compromises. I had my own options to pick from.

I learned that other peoples stuff is not mine.

Working with severely handicapped kids, I had to learn to not take their stuff. I had to be strong in myself to enjoy them and not let how they were upset me. IF I carried all that around I am useless.

Same with A. I cared, loved him, but how i reacted changed the whole dynamics of my life.

Saying hey that is their problem not mine. I don't OWN other peoples stuff.

hugs,deb

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Thank you, everyone, for your insightful thoughts.

I'm having to face more challenges with my AH, yesterday and today. I'm working very hard to be the solution and not the problem.

After my challenge yesterday, I discovered that this Al-Anon stuff really does work... if I work with it.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.