The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I knew this was going to be hard...I get that, I do...but how much am I to take?
He - explodes today on one of the kids. I - calmly ask him to not "go to the mat on this" particular argument...the child in question is having a hard time already...etc...be the adult..etc, etc. He - explodes louder..."you never support me...and now I look like the "&%($#"! Me - you did that on your own. He - fine! great! blah blah blah blah blah blah. Me - off to the shower and then to take care of the aforementioned kids....
Deep breath.
Really, is this as good as it gets?
What he was really spouting off about was that he lied last night, knew that I knew, and was freaking out. I did not react. Really out of character - and he did not know what to do. So, what else? The kids get it. Great. Nice.
Not fair. Not cool.
Help me here. What do you do to hold it together? How do you forgive and move on when the kids become the target?
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Educate your kids on what is going on , tell them about alcoholism ,explain that its not thier fault , to not take it personally , I dont know how old your children are but if teenagers our program supports Alateen there is literature written by teens for teens that would help them to understand . if younger we print a book called Whats drunk Mama ? awsome book for little ones *also printed and written by Al-Anon . and if yor not attending f2f meetings for yourself I hope you will do so in the future for all of your sakes . Louise
I have definitely done what you describe your A doing which is not being my best self when dealing with others, because of inner turmoil.
I also know what it is like to have to explain to my child (6yrs old) poor behaviour, my own and that of others, including my A. When the poor behaviour is my own, I apologize. When it is others, I identify it and teach my child about boundaries and compassion.
I decided that to protect my kid from being his target, he had to leave. He is angry with me because I haven't given in and let him come back even though he's supposedly going to AA which means i should automatically trust him again, right? (wrong)- so now he's changed tactics and he's lashing out at my kid and my parenting skills, says the problems are my fault because i let the kid tell me what to do, run my life, i need to grow up, my neighbors have all commented on it, blah blah blah. What surprises me most about the al-anon stories is the similarities.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Newleaf I don't know the specifics of your family dynamics.... what i do know is children should be educated on this disease. Know that they are not the cause or the problem your husband has. Not sure how old they are but there are some great age approriate books out there to help you. One great tactic is you do not have to attend every fight you are invited to When your husband loses control it would be good to have a plan B in place...as place to just take the kids for awhile or pack'em up for an evening out at grandmas or a friend. How do we hold it together? Our situations are different for me it's my son who is an addict, but while we may have stories the differ we all share a common bond in our feelings and experiences. We hold it together but coming together to support and love one another without ridicule or judgement. If you havent done so already pls get to some meetings and start working the program There is a miracle out there with your name on it, all you have to do is reach out and grab it Should you continue to live in the manner you do know, now and always remember this is a progressive disease. it only gets worse so help yourslef and your children learn how to live a new way of life. Blessings to you
i hear you on this...sounds like my life....it's why detaching is so hard for me...for myself it's ok but when my daughter is affected I just can't take it. i cry for my kid who has to endure all sorts of BS. It's not fair, not right and I'm sick of doing damage control.....worst of all I'm powerless to do anything...very frustrating....got my daughter into therapy but you know what? It's not enough....what I need is for my wife to just leave but that's not happening.
