"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Honeypie · Veteran Member

He went on a bender----need advice please

alexmaui · Veteran Member

Oh Honey, you've hit that wall...I know it well. We convince ourselves that they are well....or even that we can tolerate
it when they are drunk...And then, they call drunk, and all the reasons we went to Al Anon come back.
I'm going through the same thing. He's better,... No he's not. Yes he is...It's an AlAnon
truth...work on yourself and work the program. I thought I would skip this mornings meeting ...then he called drunk and i thought...Nope, i need a dose of reality. I'm going.
Good luck to you.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Your first responsibility, as always, is to take care of yourself.

When they go on benders, it's so tempting to vent one's anger, especially if they push back about it. Mine would say, "What do you mean I was drunk? Can't I go out an relax without you jumping down my throat? You're so paranoid! I can't believe you!" Etc. etc. etc.

But remember that you don't have to show up to every argument you're invited to.

I think in this situation I would just say, "I don't know whether you've been drinking or not, but to me it seems like you have, and as I've said, that's not something I can handle. So I won't be showing up today. I wish you a happy birthday and maybe I'll talk to you later." Then, nicely, you hang up.

In my experience sometimes this triggers a huge campaign on the drinker's part to get things back the way they were -- with us going along with the drinking. They get full of self-pity ("I can't believe it's my birthday and you're accusing me of things I didn't even do") or anger ("Who are you to judge me! Let me tell you...") or manipulation ("Fine! If you don't want me, you don't have to see me. Maybe I'll see you later ... if I'm still around.")

When we get real detachment, all their manipulations are water off a duck's back. You set your boundaries for a reason. I hope you can do something good for yourself. Keep taking care.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

That sucks. He sounds pretty deep into it from all your posts. Did he say he was going to stop drinking when he moved out of your house or that he would just stop around you? This guy has drank himself out of a job...is ruining your relationship with his drinking (right?). I know in alanon you are supposed to turn the focus on yourself and your own needs...but I just wanted to state from my experience that it sounds like he is far enough into alcoholism that nothing he just "says" about his drinking is going to be true. It will always wind up as lies or relapse until he gets a program of recovery. I recognize and respect all the feedback about not worrying about if he is drinking or not and to not hinge your sanity on it....BUT, if you are going to have hopes, I would look at his actions and not what he says. Maybe if he was going to a lot of meetings, had a sponsor and was really working on himself it would garner a bit of trust....but again...you can't make him do that.

You told him not to drink around you. He's alcoholic...he has to drink...he can't stop on his own. I know the feeling of knowing someone needs AA so badly and standing on the outside and just wanting to cram recovery down their throat so they can stop sabotaging themselves. So frustrating. Honey pie...I really hope he gets into recovery....but mostly, I hope you find some answers and continued support as you work your way through your own decisions. It seems like you are really progressing in terms of deciding what you will or wont put up with...it just sucks.

In support,

Mark

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, focusing on actions rather than words is key. During my AH's last relapse and for a long time after, I found that trusting words only left me feeling let down because I believed the words every time I heard them. I believed him when he said he wasn't going to drink, or he would show up at whatever event sober, etc. I know that he was completely sincere when he said those things. I know he wanted to be sober - but he just couldn't follow through. Alcoholism is an addiction. It's not a moral failure, and my AH wasn't lying to me because he was a bad person. He was just a sick person.

For me, I had to stop making plans in advance and just take it day by day with my AH while he was actively drinking. There was just simply no way to predict how any time other than right this second was going to go.

We do not have to participate in arguments just because other people have tried to start them.

Keep with your recovery - focus on you.

Summer

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Honeypie,

You just tell him , "You cant be with me unless your sober".

There binges tell us more about ourselves then about the A. Its all one big illusion on our part.

As long as we think they are not drinking were ok, but the minute we find out there drinking, our world falls apart.

This takes time, practice, Alanon must be our daily practice and we always need more understanding of the disease. We need to realize that we really dont know when there drinking and it should not be our focus.

We need to know and understand the powerlessness of it. Until we fully understand this , we will be at the mercy of their drinking.

Step #1, every time.

with hugs, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 25th of February 2011 12:18:05 PM

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Honeypie,

Tonight you may be in the window of opportunity when he is not drinking or you may not. That's a choice only you can make and a chance only you can take. Your only responsibility is to you and your child. If you decide to go forward with dinner plans it would be a good idea to have a "Plain B", like taking your own car, or other options, etc. Putting the focus on yourself and your child is the most important consideration. He is either going to be drinking or not, and at this point no one knows what choice he will make.....including him.

When alcoholic's and alcohol are involved "Everything" always comes back to Step One. Everything.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Friday 25th of February 2011 01:04:12 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I always think: Would you put up with this if this was your girlfriend? What makes us accept this behavior and even consider being around them when they treat us like this?

Chances are he may be so miserable when he doesn't drink around you, it won't be any fun anyway.

This is where boundaries are so important.

You know what you want in your life and what you don't. It does not have to be focused on him at all.

I choose to be with people who are sober. I choose to be with people who call me sober. People who don't yell or fight with me.

I will not spend time with people who use. Period.

He is toxic, it brings it to you and believe me your kids see it and feel it too.

Its sad, they are sick. However we still have a choice if we want to be around them or not.

I know you will make the right decisions. love,debilyn

Honeypie · Veteran Member

RE: He went on a bender----need advice please Updated

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: He went on a bender----need advice please

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

"Why am I so attracted to this emotionally unavailable man? Why is it that he can make me feel so good and so bad? Thinking how I can
have a future with someone like him?

Good questions Honey, write them down and under each question write your answers and how you
feel about it. I think its so important to keep a diary and write your feelings down.

My first sponsor had me writing every day and had a question for me every day. When I first joined Alanon I just wanted to feel better
I was desperate. I didnt know how to go about finding real solutions for my life. All I knew was that I wanted to stop feeling miserable and
I wanted the alcoholic in my life, my xhusband to stop drinking and be the man I wanted him to be. To shape up and snap to it quickly.
I didnt have all the time in the world for this crap.

They talked about them having a disease, I didnt believe it at first. All it takes is a little self control I thought, as I kept up my practice of Alanon,
the alcoholic never stopped drinking. I was with him for 26 years. I saw the progression of this disease . It happened right before my
very eyes. It didnt make it any easier to see a man that I loved being destroyed, but destroyed he was. He lost all , for this disease will
take and take. He lost his job that he had for 27 years, he lost his car, his home, his dignity and almost lost his life many times. I know you are
probably tired of hearing these things, but you must understand the seriousness of this disease.

It has taken all but 40 years of this man's life to finally be sober. Only sober 2 months, but sober and working to save for a car. He is 57 years old.

I tell you this because I want you to see like a said before the seriousness of this disease. You must do Alanon if you want to feel better, you must work it.
You must let go and let God...you must focus just on yourself or what will be in store for you is a lot of pain and suffering. Your suffering more over him not
celebrating his Birthday than he is...something wrong with that picture.

I don't know if you have any Alanon reading material, but urge you to read the first step and write about what it means to you. We can vent and discuss till
the cows come home, but if you dont do the work , it will be a visious cycle.

Please I hope you dont take offense at me being straight with you, but I really want to help people, not just placate them.

Luv and hugs, Bettina

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh wow, while I was writing this, I posted and saw that t Canadian guy said the same thing.

Thats amazing.

Honeypie · Veteran Member

No, I'm not offended. Got out that notebook like was suggested and am going to sit and write all this out for me. You are right, I am fretting about his birthday more than he is.

Have been doing a lot of reading and re-reading. That first step is hard, letting go of thinking I have any control over alcohol, like I can stop him, make him want to stop.

Thanks

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Whenever you start to focus on the alcoholic, grab your notebook or read and re read, when you find something that really encourages you
read it all the time, bring it with you.

I know a well known celebrity that is in AA, walks around with the Big Book under his arm. He carries it wherever he goes, its his bible. and he thinks
nothing of sharing and reading out loud.
If you ever get a hold of the Big book, read the stories of the Alcoholics, this gives you a deep understanding of what addiction is. Also, "For the Wives",
Ive worn that page out.

The prayer of before I go to bed and when I awake, its a wonderful cleansing.

Do you have " One Day at a Time" book, thats my little blue bible. Try to be in conscious contact with your HP every day, whatever that may be.

My sponsor gave me a little pink crystal rock to hold in my hand every day and she told me, "hold this in your hand for 10 minutes every day, and
make contact with your HP... that was in 1987, I still have it.

Those steps are for us , to work and realize our own cargo that we carry that has nothing to do with the Alcoholic.

Start writing girl...

Luv, Bettina

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"