"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Issues with my Mom, bad night, looking for experience with this....

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

All that comes to mind is "Mom, I love you, but I need to find my way through this mess in the best way I know how.... sometimes that will involve you, sometimes it will not.... please respect this"

It's short, sweet, honest, and direct..... She doesn't have the "right" to know anything she is demanding of you, in my humble opinion....You deserve the dignity of choosing what you do (and do not) share with her....

That's my two cents :)

T

ythannah · Senior Member

I love what Canadianguy said.

She's your mom, but you're an adult and she doesn't need to scrutinize every aspect of your life. I kinda think her nosiness and urge to meddle are being disguised as concern for your daughter.

Your business is your business.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Thanks Tom and ythannah.

I should keep it short and sweet with my mom - it's so hard though, it starts off that way but then she goes on and on... and on and on. This is not the first time something like this has happened. Last night, it was particularly difficult because she was in my house, so I couldn't leave. I HAVE left her house in the past, and she throws tantrums worst than a child about how she can't do anything right ect...

Thanks Tom, I will try saying something like that. I think I need to just go over to my parents house and take the initiative, not in the middle of an argument, and tell them something along the lines of what you said above. Thank you for the suggestion, I really like it too.

Also, I think it'll be good go chat with them as my dad will be there and he's so easy going (and respectful of me being an adult ), that he often serves to balance my mom out....

ythannah - you're probably right about the urge to meddle being disguised, to some extent, as concern for my daughter. Although, ever since my daughter was born my mom has loved to point out things I should be doing, has loved to tell me what my daughter needs, what I don't do enough of ect.. so, that is nothing new, just now taken to a whole new level.

Thanks again for your replies:)

Danielle

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Oh, and I did say something last night to my mom along the lines of...

"mom, I know you are coming from a place of love and concern, and I am SO grateful that I have you in my life, but I am doing this the best way I know how and communicating everything with you is not my priority, I need to figure stuff out on my own and sometimes you won't always knows everything and you need to accept that".

Instead of responding directly to what I said she flips topics (as she always does when I have a point)... and then says how she doesn't know how to talk to my daughter about my husband, she doesn't know what my daughter knows or does not know - so I need to tell her (my mom) stuff so that she is prepared to talk to my daughter about my husband's situation, if it comes up.

ugg. So, then I feel like she has a point....and I guess she kinda does.. I don't know. See - I don't know anything! ahhhh.

frustrating.

I need some yoga!

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Danielle,

Step one with a twist: "I admitted I am powerless over 'MY Mother' and my life had become unmanageable."

The powerless part comes with acceptance that your mother is not going to change. The unmanageable part you can have control over by detaching with love and slowly over time, in your own time, placing boundaries enforce for your serenity and peace of mind.

What I see with my eyes is not always what others see with their eyes. My responsibility is to always do the next right thing for me, and keep my side of the street clean, because that's what it is, my side of the street.

Danielle you have a lot going on in your life with your husband in rehab, raising your daughter, and dealing with your mothers criticism and advice. Take care of yourself first whatever that might entail.

It's my opinion that "you" know what's best for "you".

Double HUG,
RLC

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

She sounds so like my mom its scary. That is why I moved 1000 miles away. Bleh. If my mom is worried about something she thinks it is her motherly duty to say so and to do it with no tact. She is taken aback by statements about me loving her and making my own decisions. She will blaze through hearing that. I have to say it twice and make it like a firm sort of boundary thing before she gets that I don't really want to hear her criticism. Shrug. Most of the time I blow it off. My sister says she has learned to just go some place else in her mind while mom goes on these tactless worry rants.

Sorry you had to go through this one...I think that you are describing some enmeshment here. That means you all are extremely close...and that has it's up sides (they help with parenting some...live really close...are very supportive and involved) but it has downsides (all up in your business, live too close....intrusive). Just remember...all families have their own dysfunction. When you are about to tear your hair out...remember the up sides.

Here the AA line for annoying family members: "Your family knows how to push your buttons because they installed them."

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Thanks RLC and Mark.

RLC - Geez how many damn people in my life will I have to go through some variations of the 12 steps on! I was thinking that, I need to "admit I am powerless over my mom"... I am, truly, she will never change. If anything, she just gets worse and worse. sigh. Breath. Not my problem. It is so frustrating how with everything going on in my life my mom doesn't think twice about her approach or the necessity of saying all this crap to me...I just cannot fathom such tactlessness and lack of awareness. Again, don't have to make it my problem.

I like that saying "what I see with my eyes, is not always what others see with their eyes" I really like that - thanks:)

Mark - thanks for sharing. "your family knows how to push your buttons because they installed them" True - very true. lol.

I will try to remember the up sides when I feel like pulling my hair out.

Danielle

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Ouch and double Ouch!!! Danielle. That don't sound good at all!! I hope you have
some literature at home like the ODAAT and Courage to Change. Go to the indexes
of your literature and look up subjects that pertain to your condition and read em all
for new awarenessess and support. My Mom did the best she could with what she had
and still the name of the movie was Mommy Dearest. I went to the matinee back
then and freaked out in the back of the theater!! Will only do that movie once. We
don't get to choose our parents. Go to a meeting...fast. ((((hugs)))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Danielle

Great feedback and ESH You are handling the situation very well. I would simply suggest that you tell mom that you do truly love her, know she is concerned and that you have found alanon and arerecovering from this dreadful problem

There is a solution and you are living in it . One of the main issues is that yo are focusing on yourself, your daughter, taking care of your life and learning how to live.

If there are alateen meetings in the area suggest that your daughter is also addressing the issue and she need not discuss your families business with your daughter.

Keep coming back Serenity prayer works wonders

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Pinkchip - I love that line - "Your family knows how to push your buttons because they installed them." think I can find it on a bumper sticker?

What I read most from your post danielle, points to the word boundaries. Funny how we can establish and keep them with strangers but not those close to us.

Long ago I maddened my mother by using my answering machine to screen my calls - I no longer became instantly accessible, (beware the friend/family member who calls and asks, whatcha doing? Nothing much... well if you aren't doing anything would you do this for me??? Augh! Amazing how much stress the answering machine saves me!) And, it can't be accused of a personal slight to mom because I use it because i'm in and out so much, busy with work, life, don't want to miss important calls, etc. I pick up the phone when i want to talk, she can leave a message if its important and i can get back to her - if its something I don't want to really discuss "live"with her - that's what email is for! As in - "I understand your concern Mom, and I'll take it under advisement and get back to you" puts distance between you and eventually - at least with my family - they get the message that I will make my own decisions about my life, they are free to say I told you so when I fall..... WHICH THEY LOVE TO DO, ha, but they can't do anything to force me to live by their rules.

Question pops up in this mom of a teenager's head - do you discuss grandma's concerns with your daughter? My kid and I talk the subject of grandma's loving meddling a lot - discussing ways of dealing with her loving but intrusive behaviors, I offer to face the foe and say things for her but she is wise beyond her years and knows that if grandma isn't receptive to what is said, she won't hear it.

Answering machine and voicemail also work wonders as far as keeping the boundaries in place with AH's calls. Cheers!

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

I would be tempted to say, "Mother you are absolutely right". "I'm going to Al-anon meetings every blank nights to better understand boundaries and building healthy relationships". " I appreciate your concerns and would like you to join me in going, I'll pick you up at 6:30". My daughter goes to the Alateen meetings across the hall at the same time".

And watch the fur fly, I mean the healing begin.

-- Edited by Peggy7 on Friday 25th of February 2011 12:06:47 PM

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

and then says how she doesn't know how to talk to my daughter about my husband, she doesn't know what my daughter knows or does not know

I think I like Peggy's suggestion in response to the above..... Another option, and one that I had to learn from my sponsor as well - is educate your mother as to the fact that all she can really tell your daughter is "you are safe, and you are loved", and that she (your mother) is NOT responsible for your daughter & your husband's relationship....

That is a trap that so many of us fall into - trying to justify/rationalize our A's behaviors and relationships - they are not ours to deal with....

Tom

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I like that truth that "we teach others how to treat us."

I was being "mom" my son would get upset at he got older. We had a talk, he told me, "you are intimidating me!" Wow I realized he was at an age he was becoming a man and I needed to back off.

I was a very ON mother.

I like the simplicity of what Tom said.

If I were in your shoes, I would say, mother I have learned a lot about boundaries. First and most important I love you and you guys are the best!I want you to know you raised me so I can handle my life on my own.

I am asking you to trust that I can make good decisions, as I am an adult now. How I raise my daughter, and how I deal with my husband is my business. I need you to allow me to be the strong, wise adult that I am.

I tell ya I had to really work on not momming my kids! Especially my daughter. Now I feel we are more equals, in fact I feel she has lots more together than I do in some things! I only offer my experience with raising kiddos if she asks. Its funny as even if she didn't agree, next thing I know she is doing what I suggested. lol

Its ok for you to tell mom to back off in a loving way! Take the concern off of her. MOM you have enough to think about in your own life! WE are fine!! I can handle it.

What I need from you is....and tell her.

I am so relieved to not have to be concerned about my kids. They are 34, and 35.

My son is in a hard place. My guts just churn sometimes. But then he calls me and sounds better. He knows what he is doing. I have such faith in both of them. I know they need that from me.

With my own mother I had to tell her if she wanted to run my life, becuz she helped us, then don't help us. (I had adopted a Great Dane Puppy) Next thing I know she comes over with her usual love care package AND knuckle bones for the dog! (c:

I am so glad you came and shared!

give yourself a hug for me. love,deb

danielle0516 · Senior Member

wow. thanks again for all the replies everyone. Betty and Peggy - there is only one Alateen meeting a week where I live, and it takes place during the exact same time my daughter has dance class on Monday nights. So, no, my daughter has never gone...isn't she too young? She's 11. I thought I read someplace you need to be 13...

Likemyheart - I DO screen calls, very much so. Often I'll text back if they call a few times without leaving a message and ask what's up (to prevent unexpected visits)..and I have had a talk with my mom a few years back about respecting my privacy and not just unexpectedly stopping by (this did improve the impromptu drop in visits immensly).

Unfortunately, my mom operates under the belief that because she helps out (with my daughter, house repairs and improvement, ect) that that entitles her to meddle and run my life to an extent...so I do kinda feel in the middle b/c I LOVE and appreciate the help and don't want it to stop (although perhaps in order to keep my sanity the trade off isn't so bad;)

I do often have chats with my daughter about boundaries and what goes on in my mom's house as my daughter is often frustrated when she leaves grandma's. I tell my daughter that it's important to talk about how you feel or else it could built up inside you and that's not healthy. She says she understands and gives hypothetical examples which do make sense. We talk about grandma's control and meddling and that she means well but we don't need to let it effect us, we should try to not let it bother us and 'ignore' it, and that how grandma acts is her business and there is nothing we can do about it, we should worry about ourselves, and let grandma worry about grandma. My daughter says she gets it and does actually tell me more stuff about when she gets frustrated or what grandma did, what happened...

Thanks again Tom. I am writing all this down and plan on going over to my parents this weekend. It'll be me, my mom and dad, and sister, and I'll have this chat with them. I anticipate resistance from my mom, my dad understanding and having my back, then my mom yelling and getting mad at dad, my sister saying it's just how mom is and defending her and perhaps my mom and sister lightly suggesting Alanon is a "brainwashing" (though they won't say the word) me and I am going too far on the other side with all my 'psychological healthiness' talk. I pray I will find the strength to leave it at that and just go without exploding and educating them and letting my head get too big.

Thanks Deb. I love your suggestion of "I want you to know you raised me so I can handle my life on my own". I will use that.

Thanks again all.

Happy weekend,
Danielle

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Friday 25th of February 2011 08:32:15 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"