The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying, I really am, to let go and let God. I am powerless and I cannot control or cure any of it. It's just sad though isn't it? You know someone literally half your life and now the lies just come so easy.
Want to shake him and snap him out of it - but I know it won't do any good. Someone said "if the alcohol comes first, you can never be first". I do believe that now but I guess I'm still a little in shock to see it in action.
So, I didn't react to the lie, blatant though it was. I have made other arrangements for myself and have learned a lesson to not rely on him anymore. I am not wasting any energy on anger. When I did not react, he tried to backpeddle and "make it up to me" but I politely declined.
Phew.
God has a plan for me. I will wait on Him.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Good for you for not reacting! See, how that affected him and he was probably ready for a fight or some sort of combatant behavior from you. When you change things up, he doesn't know how to react. And, yes, God does have a plan for you and for him. You just have to watch it unfold and be an active participant when necessary in the plan he has for you.
It took me a long time to understand that the lies were part of the disease - not to say that they don't count or that are excused because the person is sick, just meaning that it wasn't personal. The A's in my life weren't sitting around thinking up lies in order to hurt me. They lied to because lying is a part of a disease that wants to stay hidden. For me, knowing that an A's bad behavior is not directed AT me, but just simply IS, helps me to not take it to heart as much.
What a great post, and a much better way of advocating the values of Al-Anon than I could ever write....
We see so many times on here where people think Al-Anon "shoulds" us..... I just don't see that.... My experience with the Al-Anon program is it provides choices for us.... helps us focus on ourselves and our needs.... and offers experience, strength, and hope for what might work, and what might not.....
As an example, I don't think we are told we "should" not empty bottles, or go searching for their liquor - rather, we are just educated to the fact that it doesn't really do us a whole lot of good....
Thanks for your post, and congrats on your detachment!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
For me not reacting (my favorite slogan) can be used as a form of mental detachment. Not physically but mentally. If I know the answer to the question before I ask, I have become better about not asking in the first place, by asking myself....."How important is it" ?
When I ask my alcoholic a question and get an answer that is not the truth the best thing I have found, in most cases, is to put it in my pocket......with a hole in it. Forget about it.....Once again, "How important is it" ?
Wow can I relate to the "want to shake him and snap him out of it - But I know it wont do any good." - It took me a really long time to figure out how to Q-tip (quit taking it personally). The hardest part for me is always when my MIND knows the way I would like to respond but my EMOTIONS want to drive me in another direction. I believe that by reminding myself HP is in Control...and knows the truth, it's really irrelevent what my AH says. I'm so PROUD of the way you responded, and by waiting on the one with all the answers, sad as this situation was...there IS so much Joy waiting for you!! Cyber High Five!
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Sharing from a place of Hope...Seeking Personal Peace.
Thank everyone for listening and responding. The reinforcement helps alot.
"ilovedogs" - it was interesting, like you say to see the reaction when I changed up the response. He kept trying - I got no less than 4 phone calls..."You're mad"..."I keep messing up"...etc., etc., etc.,
I responded "no, not mad...a little puzzled maybe...but not mad"
Feels like a weight off my shoulders to not be participating in the same old script, same old outcome, same old same old...ya know?
I feel like I took care of myself today and that feels good.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
