Thanks for you honesty, ClippedWings. Are you going to meetings? I find I get the most out of meetings when I am at the hopeless point. I show up and hear exactly what I need to hear.

Some meetings have childcare, so check and see if that helps.  It feels so awful to be consumed with anger, however justified the anger is.  I've certainly been in that place. You sound as if you have a lot of awareness going on, even though the feelings are still raging. Working the program has been my way out of the chaos of the feelings.  I think after we've spent so many years with certain kinds of emotions, they're on automatic.  It takes a lot of doing things differently to get them going in different directions.  But it's so worth it.  Hugs.

Hi Clipped...please try not to look at yourself as a failure. Instead, see that you learned unhealthy habits during your husband's active addiction, habits that will take you possibly as long to unlearn, as they did to learn. Unfortunately, trust once it's broken, can take a very long time to rebuild. We give it so freely at first, but it's not free the second, fourth, umpteenth time around. Your recovery can - and will - occur at your pace, and not necessarily keep pace with your hubby's recovery. Your instincts just need retraining. *hugz*

Its perfectly natural for us to do what we believe is best at the time. We are not taught about addiction, or about the addict.

You actually showed great caring and strength. Nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed,nor are you a failure!

It was NOT you.Addiction from the one we love, tends to manipulate us into being codependant. Also we are only doing what we would do if our "normal" loved one is sick.

In my experience, I learned not to trust or distrust anymore with anyone. I take a day at a time, taking things as they come. If the person shows up great, if not oh well.

I loved the A no matter what. Learned it was the disease causing the obstacles. I have no control over that, so who in their right mind would trust a disease? Plus he is sick, he did not do this on purpose. If he relapses he does. It is nothing personal. Just love him. But now you know and or will learn a better way thru Al Anon how to approach living with an Addict.

You're feeling emotions about things that may never happen.Once we learn to accept what comes if and when it does, we live much more serene lives. What we can do is forgive ourselves. Ask HP to forgive us.

Part of the anger we feel is from us not believing addiction is a disease that they do not choose to have. The bitterness just eats us alive, is nothing positive.

We do have meetings here online. You can always start there. Going face to face is great, but you know your limitations. But still if you choose, see if you can find ones who have child care.

You can still grow and learn and feel better coming here, going to meetings here, reading literature, pming people here.

It will get better if you keep coming back. Your kids will need to see how you respond to all this. They will be much healthier if you get into Al Anon and be a good example for them.

Glad you are here. Debilyn

Hi Clipped.

Wow do I ever relate and totally understand exactly what you're saying/how you're feeling.
I love your honesty and thanks for sharing...it helped me feel less alone.

As others have said, you'll find peace and understand in Alanon. I feel like Alanon people 'get' me, understand me better than people I have known my entire lives even come close to - and that feels so ... comforting. It is just such a blessing.

Peace to you,

Danielle