The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Are you often angry with yourself for letting others get their way? Check.
Do you blame yourself for everything? Checkbut been working on this and not so much anymore but its still my default thought.
Do you try to protect everyones feelings? Check (my husbands feelings anyway).
Do you find yourself getting hurt often? Check.
Do you often feel used? Check (by my husband)
Is it hard for you to say No? Double Check.
I was watching a cheezy YouTube video by Tom Joseph, author of Why we Stay Stuck about identifying Co-Dependency. (I havent read his book and have no clue if its good or not.)
I was having a hard time labeling myself codependent because I didnt have the type of upbringing the majority of (from what Ive seen) Alanon-ers had, I was happy when I was single, Ive never felt I needed to be in a relationship, in the past I left boyfriends for not treating me right or not being ready for a relationship for a variety of reasons, I never wanted to caretake for them, I didnt feel this overwhelming need to rescue them, I dont have alcoholic parents or grew up having to care for others for whatever reason , ect
I realized, ok, so maybe I havent always been Co-Dependent, maybe I USED to be a certain way, BUT, Im not anymore. I have become, I am Co-Dependent now.
I dont want to be, I dont want to take care of people who can do it themselves, I dont want to feel used, I want to stand up for myself, I dont want to be miserable, I want my confidence and self esteem back, I dont want to instinctively want to protect the feelings of others above my own.
I think I had a mini breakthrough.
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Wednesday 23rd of February 2011 02:22:51 PM
Gosh, I could only make it about 4 questions down before my chest started tightening up with anxiety. Every single question is a "check" for me, too.
I really, really identify with your breakthrough. I have been regularly attending Al-Anon meetings for a few months and STILL tell myself I don't need them, I don't belong there, it won't help me, etc, but then something (figuratively!) smacks me in the face and I realize how badly I need to be there in those meetings.
Thank you for sharing your hope and strength to keep seeking answers. I appreciate it.
I am like you...I had a normal childhood, never minded being single, dumped guys for not treating me right. Never thought I was co dependent. But that changed with my ABF. It's like he twisted up my mind and made me into this codependent monster. I am all those things on the list.....but only with him. It's strange the way some people can affect your life.
Thank you for posting this. I realised reading this how much I have taken for granted in the last few months. As I read each question I instantly had an image of a time that I could have double and triple checked each item and it made me remember how far recovery has taken me. Some still apply but that is why I keep hearing ... practice not perfection.
A good list and self awareness, I suppose, but try not to let it escalate to self sabotage.... how about writing out a similar list of positive traits you also have Danielle?? For starters, you could write that you are willing to challenge yourself to change, which is something that tried & true co-dependants aren't normally willing to do.....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi Danielle....Yep that's me. I also had a happy childhood and was never codependent until I got married. My husband was hurt on 9/11 and withdrew from life...someone had to step up and it was me...Gradually the balance shifted and before I knew it, I was his caretaker and he was fully engulfed in Alcoholism...IT took years for me to realize what was happening...then I found Al Anon and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie...and moved out. It's his problem to solve. We see each other when he is sober.
I don't have to nag....and I am free. Good Luck to you
-- Edited by alexmaui on Thursday 24th of February 2011 07:48:38 AM
-- Edited by alexmaui on Thursday 24th of February 2011 07:50:09 AM
It is super tricky to recognize codependency without going overboard and bashing yourself for all your positive caring attributes too. Like Tom said...careful not to down yourself too much. You are a loving and caring person. You just want those characteristics to work for you in the most positive way.
As Pinkchip and Tom have said: try to see your positive qualities and attributes, too! I remember when we started at a new church many years ago and they had new members take a class about revealing your spiritual gifts. I had the gift of service(or something along those lines) which basically meant that I was a giver and I liked to serve others. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that my own giving and caring nature could be my downfall to some degree. I think I have to learn to rebalance my positive attributes and I have to learn how to recognize when I'm being taken advantage of, etc. That will all take time, but I still love the fact that I am a giving person, it's made me who I am. I just have to learn how to change the codependent nature of my behaviors and this isn't going to happen overnight. Be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to apply what you have been learning. It probably took years to develop these behaviors and it may take a while to get rid of them and respond properly.
I think it's real common for women to become codependent care-givers...ever see a little boy nurture his toy doll? Or fantasize and play wedding-day dress-up? Are there any childhood stories where a woman actually saves the day? In my experience, girls were taught to give the boys a lot of room," boys will be boys" after all. We had to "understand" them and give them more room. In school, it was expected that the girls would have more "self-control"... the boys were given excuses.
Idk, in my experience, I was co-dependent before I met my alcoholic husband, I just didn't see it.
I remember feeling sooooo "flawed" when I started working the program, once I started focusing on myself. I was so hard on myself over it too, and my sponsor worked hard to get me to forgive myself. She would say, "if your Higher power forgives you, why cant' you"?? Which only pointed out another defect of mine... I like to play God!!!! hehehe
Today I have a beautiful program... it's a spiritual journey, and I don't have to walk it alone. Be gratefull for your list!!! How else can you know what to ask God to remove in Step Seven.
Step Seven Prayer: (one of my favorites!)
"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me good and bad. Please remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and to my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do Your bidding. Amen."
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Reading this list made me feel quite good. I have felt all of those things. Not so much anymore. I have come a long way in standing up for myself. It feels good.
Absorb all of the knowledge you can and learn to apply what you need to your own world. "Mini" breakthroughs are just the beginning.
Thanks everyone for your replies. I will try not to be so hard on myself...although, I wasn't trying to come across like "look how awful I am!" but rather pointing out how a cheezy video opened my eyes to how I've clearly crossed the line from kind caring person to TOO caring at the expense of my own self care and happyness.
Really, to sum up how I feel right now is confused wondering how I became so flawed, how did it get so bad without me realizing the progression over the years? I don't know if I'm nice, or a pushover, I second guess every thought, go back and forth on decisions forever, I just have no trust, I guess, in myself, - if that makes sense.
It's weird cause I think I'm often aware of these flaws while I'm committing them...while I saying yes when I should say no, while I'm feeling guilty when I shouldn't be ect.. but they are all still default things and the feeling bad or guilty is always there, even when I'm telling myself I shouldn't be.
Yesterday, for example, my husband came home from rehab for a few hours before going to AA to get a few things. He was so wonderful, so normal and nice and well, the man I fell in love with - and he looked AMAZING, no more bags under his eyes, no dark circles - it was insane the difference in his appearance.
Anyway, so as I was driving him back, we stopped for coffee in a drive thru, one thing led to another and he said how he really really wanted to finally get a job when he comes home, doesn't want to get in a rut, he so badly wants a life back, wants to be better, to help me, to pay stuff back, to contribute ect.. Then he said how he wishes he could go to the coffee shop with the other rehab friends in the morning, but he can't, cause he has no money. I felt SO bad for him. WHY? I should not feel THAT bad to the point where it ate away at me. He is the one who lost his job 6 months ago, could have gotten unemployment insurance paychecks but did nothing about it, stole from me and my daughter, racked up more debt ect... and I feel bad! UGG! I didn't say anything, just asked if they had coffee at the rehab place and he said ya, they do and that he doesn't NEED to go to the coffee shop so he should not complain.
I felt so bad for him, but I didn't give him money. Yay me!
DANIELLE: I have been in denial about codepency but I know I belong in alanon! reading the 10 ways makes me realize that there is something there. I am just a little leery of admitting that I am something or not something. Does that make sense? nevertheless, thanks for the list. I am sure there are many more ways but do we really need to know them? Life is good! check! Kathleen
Hey Kathleen - yep that makes sense. I always think about how I don't want to go too overboard playing shrink and self diagnosing myself or others with a myriad of behavioral conditions! Also, I'm not a fan of labeling people.
For me, it took seeing a list like that to snap open my eyes... I've read all the codependent books, and did see a little of myself in them, but I guess it wasn't so clear to me before, or I wasn't ready to see it. Sickness, in the same way alcoholics aren't ready to admit they are A's, I wasn't ready to see myself as Co-Dependent.
Wish I could say: Life is good, check! I think I'm still wallowing in self pity too mucvh... But, I am starting to feel as though at least life can be good again, and will be, I just need to work on myself.
