The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is totally unrelated to my marriage and not something that I'm dealing with, but my sister is. Are there message boards like this for people who are married to someone who is addicted to porn and other things of that nature?
My sis and I talked about our marriages in detail today and she confessed that she hasn't forgiven her husband for having an online affair, for taking out personal ads looking for sex, and for him getting involved in an online website where he met women and exchanged videos with these women of himself mast*rbating, etc. He doesn't want to rehash the issue and he says he doesn't know why he did those things and is tired of her getting on him about getting to the root of the problem. I referred her to some books on codependency and she is looking into going to counseling. Her husband won't go to counseling and since he's a pathological liar, I'm not so sure counseling would even work on him. He has a twisted sense of right and wrong. Anyway, she's pregnant with their second child and it was unplanned so now she has a lot of remorse, guilt, and pain and her husband is not working with her. Back in December she found out he was using a cyber sex app on his phone to have chats with live people and send videos again, etc. He's always struggled with porn ever since before she met him but there's something else going on that he doesn't want to deal with. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone here knew of a good resource for someone dealing with this. Thanks!
I just read your post so tried out "12 step program for Porn addicts" in my search engine and got a lot of responses - the top one was RA - Recoveries Annonymous - for just such addictions - there were other webpages but I didn't spend any time on them, just wanted to see what would come up - so, yes there are 12 step programs for porn addiction! I imagine the 12 step program would work for anything you identified as something blocking your way to self-happiness. Cheers!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
My ex is an alcoholic and also a se x addict. I have found that SAA (se x addicts anon) and any recovery of those types of step programs are for the one addicted...COSA is Co-Dependents of Se xual Addicted is helpful for those living with a spouse with the disease/addiction or behaviors. There are few and far between groups that meet for such an issue, and seemingly less COSA groups online, especially chat rooms and meetings, but they are available.
I know that dealing with this aspect of his diseases is a real tough one for me, yet something that needs to be done in order for my recovery to continue. Us 'spouses' have just as much baggage from this addiction as with alcohol but because of the nature of the subject...sadly, it is not as openly available.
I wish you and yours peace of mind, luck in finding what you need along with hope, strength and courage.
~!~
-- Edited by lacewing on Thursday 24th of February 2011 02:56:21 AM
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
thank you for your post :) my sister dealt with this with her soon to be ex H. You got some very good suggestions in here and the only thing I would like to add is this. Drugs, alchol, sex its just the drug of choice...addiction is addiction...alanon helped her also. thanks again......blessings
I was thinking of suggestion Al Anon to her. She is very limited, though, with her time so she figured she'd start with counseling. I know she really hoped that her husband would join her but he's against it. Her husband makes my husband look like Mother Theresa, by the way, and I have no idea how she lives with the man. She was so close to filing for divorce back in September but he cleaned up his act until December when she found he was involved in that sex chat app and was having contact with strangers again. He was at a real low point back in September where he started smoking and going out to bars, meeting single women from the office downtown on the weekends, he would masturbate at work and tell my sister about it, he had online affairs where he'd tell these women that he loved them and he'd then start talking to them IRL and texting 100 texts a day. His whole issue is that my sister doesn't pay enough attention to him. To which I say to her, "Hey, sis, then how come 3 days after your wedding he quit his good paying job without telling you and started spending your wedding money at strip clubs?" I have to constantly remind her that his addiction and downfall is not her fault. So, she went ahead and had a child with this guy during one of their good years only to have things fall apart again once my nephew was born. Now, she's pregnant with number 2, which was unplanned, and I wonder how she gets through every day. Instead of checking for bottles she checks his phone for porn access or his computer's history, etc. And, then they fight about that. So, I guess any group that deals with codependency and addiction would be a good place for her to start. She has 5 months before the baby is born, but she runs a daycare out of her home so she does not have days free at all. I remember when he was pretty active with his problems and he stayed home from work one day(he had stayed up late talking online to his new girlfriend) and my sis walked in on him looking at porn: WHILE THE DAYCARE KIDS WERE THERE! I should have turned him into the state but she also would have gotten in trouble so I kept my mouth shut. My sis lives in another state, about 12 hrs away from me so I don't have much face to face contact with her. I offer her support through the phone and text. She's my baby sister, 8 years younger and I always felt like I should protect her. When she was dating this guy, not one person in our family liked him. And, many of us told her so and encouraged her to move on and find someone else. But, somehow this guy kept his claws in her and kept her around. She's always believed in fairy tale endings and I think she truly believed she might get that some day. Unfortunately, after what has happened over the past year in her marriage, she has finally let reality slap her in the face and I know she feels like crap these days. I hurt for the kid.
Sex addiction is initially very hard to deal with for the partner of the addict. [I know this to be true from personal experience.] Counseling and/or COSA is extremely beneficial.
Gosh ilovedogs, I was reading your last post on this subject and thinking about the flood of pornographic stuff everyone has access to now-a-days. Sex apps, Sexting, computers with webcams, etc - all make it so much more than it used to be - sneaking off to the barn to look at some dirty magazine that uncle fester smuggled in...... I live in contact with school kids and it saddens me to overhear them laughing at some sex joke one has on his cell phone. I worked filling in at a tavern tending bar and shook my head often at the grown men laughing and bragging over some tiny screen image of something sexual and they act like 12 year old boys with dad's playboy. It's horrid out there - men and women from across the globe using the internet to cheat and, wonder how many of them don't consider it really cheating if they don't physically engage each other? Sad.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
