inner conflict over forgiveness - Al-Anon Family Group

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

inner conflict over forgiveness

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Jen))) maybe give the forgiveness a try and see how that goes :)
wp

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Forgive yourself Jen for allowing the behavior in the first place. talk this out with a sponsor get rid of the anger , accept responsibility your part and it will pass . Holding on to resentments is like drinking poison on a daily basis expecting the other person to die . The past is gone but you can control your future . Your learning a new way to live by working this program awarness will give you the courage to set boundaries for yourself in any relationship ,learning to take care of yourself takes time be patient with yourself .

-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 23rd of February 2011 02:38:05 AM

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I needed to read abbyal's post this AM. Thank you for asking about forgiveness. My husband and I were just talking about how I haven't forgiven my dad for his verbal assaults on me. How even though I think I've forgiven, I haven't because it still affects me and still brings me pain. He told me that forgiveness will give me peace. I, too, hang onto my hurts and let them be open wounds that can still be affected by touch or words, etc. but my husband had a point. I have to let the past go. I just wish I knew how to do it. As Abbyal said: we have to forgive ourselves first and get rid of the anger. ((Jennifer)), cyber hug for you as you work through this issue, you are not alone!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

jen it is my view that I forgive the person. I may not forgive the behavior. As I believe it is up to HP to forgive/judge that.

Also Biblically, it says we are to forgive one that "repents." If the person does not feel sorry, or asks for forgiveness, we are not bound to forgive them.

Maybe being older, I don't know, I just don't blame anyone really. What good does it do? Maybe one did dumb stuff that caused me to lose things I love, but that person is very sick. How can I blame him?

The world is a very hard, full of awful things place. For me, me keeping hold of the pain only makes me sick.

I think we learn from what we went thru Jen that we naturally will do it different next time. Remember how we were before Al Anon?At first we did the same things over and over but less and less to the point it came natural not to do that the same anymore. Or look at it the same.

As horrible as I feel right now, I still don't feel blame or anything. I know what caused this. I know now never to put my security with anyone else again. To always protect myself.

You are a very wise woman. I have seen how much you have grown here at MIP. One day at a time really works.

love, debilyn and hugs to "slobberbox"

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I've always had trouble with the term "forgiveness," because it seems as if it means that you're trying to get back to a place where it's as if the troubling thing never happened. When I've tried to do that, I failed to protect myself, and often I got hurt again. So what I say to myself is that I'm seeking "moving on with peace." The place where I no longer dwell on the pain and feel all the intense emotions about it (anger, devastation, etc.). I've reached this place towards a friend from a long time ago who hurt me badly. Now I can talk to her and say to myself, "She was very troubled, she didn't know any better than to do what she did. She may still have unhealthy behaviors, but I know enough not to be vulnerable to them any longer -- I can protect myself. So I'm not furious with her, I'm okay with things."

That's the best I've been able to do, but it works for me. What is the saying about "Your anger will not punish them, your anger will punish you"? That's what I try to remember. But I also think that if we're codependents, we tend to hand other people the power to hurt us too readily, so we need to find our peace while continuing to care for ourselves.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

"The whole thing seems like I am poking at scar tissue to remind myself to not do whatever caused the wound in the first place. I am disappointed in myself that I am lacking some area of confidence or something to want to hang on to this crutch of reminders of unhappiness and pain."

I like the picture that paints cause it was what was true for me during this stage of
recovery. Picking at scar tissue and not seeing it as a sign of healing. Keeping the
wound open and painful to keep it real rather than letting it go and accepting the
new, tough, skin. One of the reasons I did this was because I hadn't reconciled the
event(s) I had not come to solution and so I kept picking at it hoping the solution
would come or it would be settled and over. It would never be that if I kept picking
at it...thank God and Al-Anon for the slogan and support in Let go and Let God.

My sponsor taught me to do the "opposites" "If what you are doing or feeling is
causing you pain Jerry F...do the opposite and get the opposite". Soooooo I learned
and still practice opposites.   The opposite of anger is acceptance. Our ODAAT tells
me that I don't have to accept the morality (or such) of a situation...
I can accept the fact of it. It happened and there is nothing I can do about it now.
Accept it and let it go.   The opposite of resentment is forgiveness. I use to think
that there are some things that are unforgiveable and yet found out that is not true.
I can forgive anything when I cease taking it personal and when I practice the
"unconditional love" taught in the program. HP love...unconditional. "But I'm not HP
I used to whine" and my then sponsor and the program reminded me that this is a
program of progression not perfection..."Work on it Jerry F...practice, practice,
practice".

My thinking about "never getting it" or having it happen again or the fear of it coming
around and back at me again and the like was about faith and trust and setting of
boundaries. Setting boundaries for myself and others is the "Think" slogan of the
program. "Don't React...Respond" and the difference is the thinking time. This
program does work. I haven't seen anything that can touch it and change a person's
life if they want positive change. The condition is that I work it. "Keep coming back it
works if you work it" is a mantra for many members worldwide. I had to put faith and
trust that the fellowship was steering me in the right direction and supported me and
would continue to support me in my efforts at a better life beyond alcoholism and then
I gave myself totally to the program...and...they were right. DANG this program does
work...in spades...awesome!! and I have to work it. The past will not occur to me
again in the way it did then because I am now aware and awake and in better shape
to make positive changes...positive behaviors that benefit me and don't hurt others
either. Who doesn't want that kind of Love and be Loved condition?   I do and I like
it and I am responsible for going after it and getting it and living it.   I've done a
book here and the thread was great. Thanks for letting me share. (((hugs))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 23rd of February 2011 01:31:31 PM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a really hard time with the use of the word "forgiveness" when it comes to things the AH (or anyone) has done. To me, forgiveness is something you ask of someone for something you did that affected their life adversely. I'm sorry I broke your lamp, please forgive me; or, I wasn't paying attention to my driving and rammed your car, I'm sorry. (I'm sorry I stood over you screaming into your face and calling you nasty names)

Asking for forgiveness acknowledges the wrongdoing and begs mercy of the wronged. Its impossible (for me) to forgive someone who doesn't acknowledge they did anything wrong.

So, I looked up the word forgiveness using synonyms/look up in a word document.

Forgiveness:
the act of pardoning somebody for a mistake or wrongdoing

Mercy:
a disposition to be compassionate or forgiving of others
the easing of distress or pain

Release:
the removal of something that makes somebody feel trapped, restricted, or burdened
to let out something that has been contained or confined within something or that is pent up or latent inside somebody
to make somebody free of a debt, obligation, promise, or task
law: to relinquish something such as a right or claim to another party

Pardon - to forgive somebody who has committed a crime or wrongdoing

Absolution - forgiveness for somebody's sins, especially when formally given in a Christian church

Clemency - the tendency to show mercy or leniency

I choose the term Release - removal of the hurt and negativity so that I can live unburdened; let out the pent up anger so that my head doesn't explode or my body implode from the toxicity; to free myself (and him) from the expectation of apology - it would be a nice thing to have but if it never comes, thats ok - (though for my boundaries purpose - the amends has to occur if we are to have a life together); I relinquish my right to said apology - I'd like it but if it doesn't happen, I will survive.

ClippedWings · Member

Jennifer~
When I read your post, it was like reading a page out of my diary! (if I had one) Today is the first time I've searched for a place to find some answers for myself. I've spent years reseaching how to help my AH, and somehow lost myself in the process. I'll be posting my own "stuff" soon, just wanted to remind you that you're FAR from alone, and thank you for showing me that this place may have some of the answers I've been looking for. I spent so many years focusing on "fixing" him, that I missed how broken I had become :( Love to you on your journey to forgiveness & True Happiness!

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, realizing I had made headway on forgiving certain people was when I laid down the burning desire to desire revenge on their actions. I chose to enjoy life, to be free of hurts, pain and anger and traded them in for serenity, peace and calm.

Often times anger is merely fear manifesting itself, as someone once shared with me. So when that old anger, or resentment spurred it's ugly head, I also began to take time to ask myself...what am I afraid of? What am I loosing? If it's their words, I lose nothing. Their words aren't true just because they've said them. Is it my safety? I can take action if my well being or safety are in the balance. What will thier behavior cost me?

Generally those items were the cause of my anger and resentments. By using the Serenity prayer I was better able to determine if it was MY issue or if I needed to take action. If it was out of my control, then it wasn't my problem.

I love using the visual each of us must one day account for our own actions. Never the actions of others.

Letting go of resentments was a much more in depth job for me with a few situations. A dear wise old timer mentioned they had used the list method. Sounds simple enough...I was willing as the resentments were eating me alive.

They asked what I wanted in my life. List everything....health, wealth, sanity, safety etc. Once completed they asked if I would be willing to do anything for that resentment to be gone so I could move on and stop carrying it around with me. Again I replied of course.

The method that had worked for them was to take that same list as I had made for myself and each night and morning whenever I meditated or said my prayers add their (person I had resentments over) name to it as well. And repeat, let me know how it goes for you.

Keep coming back, keep posting.

Peggy 7

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.