Becoming new people... - Al-Anon Family Group

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Becoming new people...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Usedtobe...I was thinking I'd maybe offer to trade you age years and then
remembered what I was like back then and....well....no thanks the world needs
young people and you and your wife get to be those for today.   You know what
I do with my program attending wife when she isn't feeling "enough"...I give her
a hug and a pat on the butt errr back and give her a truthful affirmation. It's not
a job anymore and it isn't fixing...it's expression compassion and love.

My wife started out with me telling her I "love" you and "don't need" you. She has
gotten to where she can define herself and not be defined by me. She was not
born with my name etched on her heart or in her brain. I am an attachment not an
anchor and she should be able to attache and detach at will and when necessary and
stand by herself within her own glow without me blocking her light. I like applauding
her wins and strengths and I don't need to do that either.

Fixing is a habit and breaking the habit takes more practice of something different if
not opposite in order to get better which is scarey because I had to then fill the time
I use to spend fixing with things that were me...How in the world I learned to do that
came within the program. As I move farther away from fixing I move closer and closer
to loving/accepting my wife for exactly who she is at anyone moment...just like HP
does with each and every one of us...my opinion of course and then I know that my
HP loves me unconditionally and part of my recovery if not the most of it is to do the
very same thing with others, my wife included.

It's good your breaking the habit of emailing...find something uplifting and positive
to do during the meantime including accepting that your wife isn't in the same race
that you are in...same place and time.   That's letting her go and after work? Honest
hug and love and affirmation. She's doing good also...Yay!!   Replace worry with
faith and trust. You and she are growing. 90 days of recovery...90 days without fail
...90 days away from old unworkable habits of thinking, feelings, and behaviors. Yay
again.    Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello usetobe,

You had concern today about several things, but mostly the situation concerning emails.

You became a member of MIP on Oct 6th last year a little over 4 months ago. You had just attended you first f2f meeting prior to becoming a member here.

You and your wife have come a long way in a short time. If you want to prove that to yourself, all you have to do is read the first topic you started on Oct. 6th.....I just did.

In Support and Hugs to you and your wife.

RLC

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, you sound like us! Different situation, but similar in that we are both early 40's and trying to deal with the codependency that brought us together 16 years ago! Crazy how marriage doesn't get any easier even after all this time. I understand exactly where you are coming from and it's one of the reasons that I haven't been in 'self-discovery mode' very much in the past. I was afraid that if I change....what happens to the relationship? Will it be too much change? Will I get apathetic about our marriage because I choose to detach? Oh, the questions I have had and still have. One thing my husband and I have talked about is that we really need to communicate on a much deeper level than the simple pleasantries of every day life and we know that's where the work will be. It scares the crap out of me, quite frankly, but I do believe it's the key to our eventual happiness.

Glad you are following your therapist's instructions. See how it turns out and keep coming back here!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

From my experience, married people growing, maturing, changing is what makes marriage a work in progress.

We grow and change if we are in therapy or not. Also I learned that marriage is always changing, growing. Sometimes we are friends, sometimes lovers, co workers, room mates, back to lovers.

I think I fell in love with my husband a thousand different times in my life. He went thru tons of changes, me too. Day at a time. We don't know that we will be looking at our spouse one day moving a spider out of the house and all in love with them all over again!

No one stays the same. I was attracted to this young handsome cowboy on a big motorcycle who played guitar! I loved him off and on for 40 years. Between Viet Nam, babies, deaths of our loved ones and more, when we really grew but never lost that special love that was always in our hearts.

Even now, I am not with AH, I still hold love inside for the husband I lost.

It will be ok! Trust in HP. hugs,debilyn

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Thanks everyone...I really appreciate all of your replies...made me feel really good and positive...Just going to keep going and keep trying. Had an F2F meeting last night and that was so helpful too...

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