Advising a friend... - Al-Anon Family Group

Faerydae · Newbie

Advising a friend...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome.

If it were me, I would get them the book,"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew.

I would say hey I found this book that might help you make decisions. Then it's an expert giving them truths and your friendship won't suffer.

It's a delicate situation. The more you listen, and don't give advice, the better.

I can see how much you care, believe me they will need you to understand. You might want to read Al Anon books too so you know the best way to support them.

They love their son, he has a very serious disease being an addict. Telling them to just kick him out is not the answer. It is much deeper than that.

I hope it goes well for you all. love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha...If it is their home they have boundaries to set regarding using and drinking
to excess...drunkedness and that kind of behaviors and such...or else agree to put
up with the consequences. If they care about him and understand that alcohol
actually poisons into drunkedness; tho the manufactures don't put that on the label
or say "keep away from children mind, mood and body altering chemical" they might
want to increase their education and awareness about alcohol and the human system
and keep it out of the house while he is there.

If they are already affected and have been for awhile...usually the case when others
are suggesting that they should "kick him out"; then the suggestion I took was to
go to the white pages of my local telephone book and learn where the Al-Anon family
groups meet and get there as soon as I could and sit down and listen to people who
knew what the disease of alcoholism and addiction is and does to everyone it comes
into contact with. Lots of literature there and lots and lots of ESH...EXPERIENCE,
STRENGTH AND HOPE. They could also come to MIP and participate here and read
and find solutions. Point them in those directions. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Faerydae · Newbie

Thank you, Debilyn, for your comments and suggestions. My husband and I took the tough love approach when dealing with our alcoholic daughter and its seems to

have worked for her. We didn't bail her out of jail, loan her money, or pick her up when she fell down, we simply let her find her bottom and now she has been sober

for two years, living on her own and doing AA. But perhaps it doesn't work with all alcoholics. I just don't see the incentive that our friends' son has for getting

sober when he's living in Mom and Dad's cushy basement, eating their food, not even trying to find work, or seeking treatment... in effect, taking them hostage so

they feel they can't go anywhere or leave him alone. How does that support him finding his bottom? He doesn't drive and there is no booze in the house except for

the stuff he manages to sneak in and no one knows how he does that.

I read the reviews of the book you suggested and in the end, the author apparently recommends leaving the addict if they don't shape up. But where do you leave

your 25-year-old son who has no money, no job, no home, no friends? The local shelter? Anyone ever just given their kid a one-way ticket out of town? Do ultimatums work?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I did that with my 19 year old alcoholic/addict son back when...divorced him after years
of wanting him in my life without his addict mother. I moved to another smaller
living arrangement which would only accomodate me and my program and he
continued his "run". He is not in the AA program or NA program but in his Church
program which is much better than the "no" program he had before. We are closer
today and not attached at the hip. I have no judgments or desires for his life other
than what I have for me and he has his own choices and consequences. I had taken
the drama calls after the divorce...emergency hospitalizations because of fights and
stabbings and the "how come the police are always watching me" LOL (used that more
than I cared to myself) and just kept him turned over to HP...that is where he is now.

This program works when you work it. Keep coming back and join us in the face to
face Al-Anon meeting rooms in your area. Hotline number is in the white pages of
your local telephone book. ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Who could say what will work? They could kick him out and he could die on the street...They could keep him at home and he will become even more of a spoiled enabled addict...Can't control or cure addiction. Treatment centers generally do recommend young addicts start making their own way in the world, go to halfway, get a job, not return to parents... Some parents do basically give a 1 way ticket to rehab. I know some young people that it has worked for that way and some that become vagabonds, prostitutes, and fall even further into addiction. I guess in the end, you have to do what you are comfortable with in dealing with an addicted relative.

Faerydae · Newbie

So has anyone ever heard of a spoiled enabled addict hitting their bottom?

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

For a long time, I didn't want to leave my AH at home alone for fear he would drink. I thought that my presence would keep him from drinking - like I had the power to prevent him or something. In time and recovery, I came to understand that my presence there did nothing. While I may have been able to delay him from drinking, I couldn't stop him. He was going to do it whether I was there or not if he wanted to do it. Nobody and nothing was going to stop him.

While I certainly have been there, sticking to another person does not work. It is just another attempt to control something over which we have no control.

I would also recommend the book Getting Them Sober, as well as Alanon meetings. While there is no possibility of controlling another person, we can certainly seek help for ourselves.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

To answer your question...Yes... Most people who come into AA have been spoiled and enabled to a degree (no bash intended on anyone here in Alanon)...It is just a dynamic that is common in addiction and the relationships addicts have. The young drug addicted/alcoholic that is being enabled by parents would probably hit bottom with a lot of fighting at home, sneaking around, legal problems (DUIs), an accident, or other health problems. The only "less tragic" bottom would be him realizing all his same aged friends have homes, children, jobs, and he is living like a little kid at home and wants different...That is less likely to suffice as a bottom though cuz he is already living that way and seems okay with it right?

It is not going to be fear of losing their home, relationship, children... More likely the above consequences. That is what I have seen in my experience at least.

Faerydae · Newbie

Thank you to all who commented. I will take your experiences to heart when relating to my friends regarding their son. It is all very frustrating to see lives destroyed this way... it makes one feel powerless to help. I want to be supportive of my friends but at the same time I see enabling behaviors that are serving no one. ugh!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi
Welcome to MIP and Alanon

I would suggest that your friend attend alanon meetings and would obtain a meeting list for them If they needed support, I would offer to go with them to their first meeting.

This is a deadly disease and telling people how to handle it does not work!!!! That is why we do not give advise in alanon.

In order for anyone to be able to act effectlvely with this horribly destructive disease they must come to their own decisions , They can be helped in this process if they work the alanon program

''Good luck

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 23rd of February 2011 08:57:08 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.