self analysis - Al-Anon Family Group

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

self analysis

stephaniej · Senior Member

That is such a complex, difficult, and highly personal thing, I think. I think different people heal in different ways, depending on their personalities and how their families of origin have impacted them.

For me, the journey involves several things.

First, I need to acknowledge and be honest about the things in my life and my past that cause me pain. I need to acknowledge them fully to myself, and stop sugar-coating them. For me, the best place to do this (or at least start the process) was in therapy, but I know many people are not fans of therapy. It's just what worked for me. I found that therapy also provided some validation for my pain, which I needed very much. Validation is allowing me to move on to the next step, which is...

Understanding that the people who have hurt me can only continue to hurt me (for the most part...there are a few special exceptions) if I allow them to. Yes, my dad was verbally abusive to me as a child. But as an adult, he can only continue to verbally abuse me if I am present and allow him to rant and rave. Yes, my mom tries to lay crushing burdens and guilt on me, but I can choose to not engage in that side of our relationship. And then it becomes a little easier for me to take the final step, which is...

Forgiveness. Obviously, this is the hardest of all. Forgiving people for horrible, terrible things they have done to you is gut-wrenching, and it can take years (or may never fully happen). I believe forgiveness is the single greatest gift you can give another person. And as I learn to forgive people for things, and let go of resentments, and accept that in many instances people were simply doing the best they could in the situation with very limited emotional resources, I am able to move on from those things that cause me pain and hurt. It is a slow process. It can be overwhelming.

Instead of trying to forgive someone all at once for every single thing they ever did to hurt me, I let my own emotions guide me. If, on a particular day, I am reminded of something hurtful my mother once said to me, I focus on that event. I think through what happened, and I try to imagine what she was going through at the time. I acknowledge that I am a fully functioning, independent, grown woman. I acknowledge that I am a valuable member of the universe who deserves to be loved and respected and treated with kindness, and that my mother cannot make me feel bad about myself without me participating in some way. And then I put my forgiveness out into the universe. I don't call her and re-hash everything, and make a grand declaration of forgiveness. I focus on the one event, I work through why it was hurtful to me, and I forgive, for that one event. Sometimes I have to go through that process several times, even when I think I have forgiven and let go of the pain.

It is VERY easy for me to become overwhelmed by the enormity of everything I have to cope with. I have found that tackling my emotional issues in smaller batches is the best approach for me.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I read, Leo Buscaglia. I can feel very bad, but when I read his words it always makes me feel better.

He is a good one making you think.

Loving your "self" for the person the creator gave you is a nice thing.

For me I feel more towards happy when I am loved. It may be more content/serene.

Living with an A to me is like having an open wound. Things get better for awhile, we start to heal, then the disease roars again, opening up the wound.

I am sure you would glean wonderful things from Leo's books. It's all about love, and truth.

love,debilyn

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I've found for me that happiness lies in acceptance. If I'm in a place where I'm just wanting to fight everything around me, be it being combative with other people, or my feeling I'm messed up and that I have to "fix" me, then I can get myself to feeling pretty unhappy and miserable.

One of the best letting go kind of books I've ever read is Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth". It really all boils down to acceptance.

Another thing that helps me get through the down times is to remember "this, too, shall pass". Meaning my moods and emotions can tend to go through cycles. I know when I'm feeling really unhappy that it will eventually pass and I'll be feeling happy again. I also know that my happiness will eventually wane and I'll go back through a low patch of sadness. The nice thing is that recognizing these patterns in myself helps to minimize the strength of those moods - most specifically, it helps to minimize the low moods... they're not as severe and debilitating as they've been in the past. And it also helps me to really enjoy my good days and cherish them.

One of my favorite quotes from Eckhart Tolle's book is: "Don't fall into error thinking there is something wrong with you. Making yourself into a problem--the ego loves that... Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at the moment."

It's not to say that I'm not without issues, but shifting the focus of my mind to an obsessive concentration on my faults and continually telling myself how messed up I am is not helpful to me in any way.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I have read a few books in the past that border more on the alternative self-help lines that really have helped me a bit. You know, I read them back when I was in my early 20's and I really need to dig them out and read them again. They gave me perspective on myself and on those around me and now that I'm feeling lost again, I think I need to keep reading.
Here's a few that I enjoyed and even though I read them when I wasn't a practicing Christian at the time, I would still read them again(not to get religious on you here, but I am a Christian).

Anyway, try Marianne Williamson's "A Course in Miracles" and most books by Louise Hay especially "How to Love Yourself". These books may not be what you're looking for so you may want to read the reviews on Amazon and see if they offer you anything substantial. I really like the quote that Aloha put in her post, too! And, Debilyn's statement about the open wound is so true but for me, it's not just about the alcoholics in my life. It's about how I relate to people in general. I think I pay attention to my wounds too much instead of letting them completely heal so I always have this partially open scar and then when someone does something to hurt me(both intentionally or unintentionally) I get upset with them (usually without them knowing). It's a vicious cycle that I get myself into both with friends, family, and even people that are social acquaintances. I truly think I never learned to communicate properly and my AH and I were just discussing how communication has broken down between us, mostly because I take everything so personally and consider everything a dig against me. And, I have to start taking responsibility for MY reactions and I have to learn how to walk away or speak with authority, etc. I'm actually looking for books on communication so that our marriage can be better, with our without the alcohol at this point. Let us know what you find!

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

hi ,
I do not know where you are at with your programme but I have heard many share how once the completed the steps for the first time thr great sesnce of healing and growth they claimed. i have done my step four which like yourse;lf opened up a lot of my pain from the past, however I also identified my part. I am hopeis as I do my step 5 6 789 10 11 & 12 I will get to relaese this painand heal. When i am feeling confused or not sure what is not right I pray to my HP to guide me to what I need to accept to help me to deal with my confusion and feelings hope this helps. there are many self help programme and i do do some other work to help me heal but sometimes i get confued with to much iformation trying to digest and work this programme has my main focustoday as i know the more I apply it to my life the more serenity I achieve.

hugs

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha SS...Like Aloha I am an "acceptance" user. "It is what it is" is the short cut
for acceptance for me and I feel the least amount of pain using that short cut. I also
accept the past for what it was..."It was what it was and now it is over". Sometimes
just for more experience I will use the grief or grieving tool and allow myself to feel
grieving pain and then let go and accept that it is and or was and I can now let it
go.

I am who I am for the moment and I can accept me for who I am at this moment
and have done and am doing the best I could and can with what I have as I move
forward toward "better" me.

Self analysis for me is just for understanding...I don't do it for moral purposes or for
entitling me as good or bad...right or wrong. I don't "judge" me I define me and
define how I want me to become...mind, body, spirit and emotions. I don't use
dark glasses or rose colored glasses...I use clear glasses and an objective mind.
The object to see where I have come from and what I have become against what I
want for myself. That is how it has worked for me.

I use patience, honesty, persistence open mindedness and help. I am not so
different a person that others haven't closely expierenced my life also and have
their own perception of what we went thru. The big differences might be age and
gender and there is a wealth of experiences I can use to understand where I have
come from and what solutions are available for me from them. That has been the
huge value of Al-Anon for me. I always have HP with me when I self analyize for
the reason that no one has loved me so unconditionally as my HP...God as I under
stand God...my Father/Creator. My HP uses what Aloha uses...Acceptance...the
complete and total acceptance of every person for exactly who they are = LOVE IS.

Just some of my real experiences. (((hugs))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 22nd of February 2011 04:56:18 PM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Find a sponsor and work your way thru the steps , dont do this alone we tend to be really hard on ourselves and an oldtimmer said to me* remember Alone in your own head there is no adult supervision .

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi
I agree with Abby The steps are the answer to all my self analysis

Reading alanon literature, working the steps with a sponser, letting go of the anger, praying for my resentments to lift, all these powerful tools are found within the wonderful rooms of this program

It is a process but I have found the "STEPS" to find me.

I have heard in program if youhave lost you It only take 12Steps to be found

Thank God for alanon

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 24th of February 2011 12:42:39 AM

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