The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I moved out ...My AH is having a hard time excepting that i'm gone. His drinking and pill taking seem to have gone out of control...Now he wants to come to MY house to "see the cat"...I feel bad..so bad. He's lost, out of control and has no one else. No family or friends....Is this setting a boundary, or just cruel? I want this home to be the safe house for me...no drama, no worrying and instead I feel guilty....I would love to hear from anyone who understands and has experience in this sort of thing. I DO attend a regular Al Anon meeting (Thank God) and a step meeting....But I don't have a sponsor yet-so I don't know who to call. Thanks
Your the only one who can set boundaries for yourself , you decide how u want to live your life and with whom . We decide how we want to be treated , unexceptable behavior wether drunk or sober is just that unexceptable , your not responsible for the fact that he has no friends , he is . this probably happened long before you met him . Detach with love and allow him the dignity to choose the way he wants to live his life while you get on with yours . Love the person hate the disease . Boundaries are different for every one what is acceptable to you may not be for me and visa versa . Louise
ALOHA Alex...you can also set boundaries for the amount of guilt you feel also. Remember the 3 Cees. You can use those to help you set boundaries for how much guilt you feel. You can also focus on the reality that as a spouse of an alcoholic/addict you are doing the best you can with what you have and even the highly paid professionals very often strike out against the disease too. Guilt is just one of the normal feelings that enablers constantly choose to have. It says that I am supposed to do more, know more, feel more and when I don't I am not doing enough. It isn't you who isn't doing enough. The disease is blocking him from doing enough...being responsible for his health...mind, body, spirit and emotions. Just after we admit we are powerless we approach (a) Higher Power... "God can and will if He is sought" is the philosophy behind steps 2 and 3 and God can not do for the alcoholic/addict what the alcoholic/WONT do for themselves. Keep out of the way between him and his Higher Power so they can meet. Stay behind your boundaries and out of God's territory.
Go to some open AA meetings and listen to how the sober people with time have done it...arrived at sobriety and continue to want and work it.
MIP has an AA board just like we do and you can go listen and learn how they did and do the program today. There are miracles there just like there are miracles here.
Hang with your HP, home group, program work and ask some body with time if they will sponsor you. Looks, age, genes are not requirements. All they have to have is something you want and are willing to give it away to you over time. If they say no go to the next and the next until you get what you n e e d.
Hey alexmmaui. No, I do not think it is cruel one bit. I think it is you sticking to your boundary which is not always easy so good for you!
If there was no cat to see, he would have another excuse to come over. We can't always help feeling bad for them, but they have to want to help themselves. Not your fault he has no friends and nothing you can do about it either. I can certainly relate to feeling guilty. I try not to, I tell myself I shouldn't, I have no reason to...I just keep telling myself that, hopefully one day I will believe it and the guilt will fade away.
Sometimes I think we feel consumed with guilt because it's easier than feeling consumed with pain. The pain is because we can't fix the problem, can't help the alcoholic make better choices. And also because we come into these situations with our own pain, which we drown out in the problems with the alcoholic. Like the pain of not getting our needs met and of living in constant chaos. It's funny how bringing more chaos in drowns out the pain of having lived in chaos. I guess that must be like drinking to drown out the pain of drinking. It's hard to step away from the chaos, feel the pain, and let it drain away, but that's the only thing that's helped me stop adding new pain.
The A's journey is his own. If he wants to improve his life, all he has to do is to choose to stop drinking. The doors of AA are open for him. If he's not making that choice, it's because he feels he can make things work with the drinking. So: make it easier for him, or not?
But whatever you choose, take care of yourself. Hugs.
I had no family and like 1 or 2 friends left when I entered into AA for my own alcoholism. I did that so I could have a life. I went to AA to build a support network.... You didn't cause him to have no friends or family. You don't need to feel guilty.
