The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 37year old single daughter is addicted to prescription drugs - in May 2010, we brought her home from Texas - not realizing this - she lived with grandma for a couple of months - found a minimum wage job and moved out (family insisted). In this short time she has lost 2 jobs (minimum wage type - she has a college education). Last month wrecked her car (an old clunker we gave her to get her on her feet as no buses in small town). Lost her job and got thrown in jail (last weekend) for using a false name at an ER 50 miles from home (talked someone into taking her). She is in trouble, has an April court date, was released on OR. but had to go to detox /treatment. Well one day in detox - she actually detoxed while in jail - they sent her home cause there is no treatment beds available. So she is sitting in her apt (hasn't paid rent for months - she talked to landlord about her situation), begging rides to meeting, etc. NO money cause she hasn't worked in over a month - when she got out of detox had these plans to atleast try and look for a job while she waited for tx bed to open.
My problem is that she wants to go with her grandmother and I to another town on Monday where we have a doctor appt and have some errands to run..... It would be nice to spend some time with her (but we've found out that most everything she says is a lie) as she will be going off to tx and maybe jail. However from past experience she likes to tag along for the free meal at a restrauant and for whatever we might buy her if we go shopping. The rest of the family feels that if we take her we will be rewarding her for not working/looking for a job. Being the good co-dependent that I am - I'm torn...IF i take her and have to buy her sodas/lunch - I will resent it.... I work 40 hrs week and commute for 10. She does nothing. How do I explain this to her...or do I tell her no room (which might be true - depending on what all we have to do) - or just say "i don't think this will work? please I need some insite. Thanks !
I'm so glad you found al-anon, I hope you look the meetings up in your local phone book and plan to go, it's where I felt the most relief. It feels sooo good to be among others who have walked in similar shoes... it's where I got some clarity... and the hugs are free.
I don't have the exact experience, but I do relate to the anguish of a child in the throes of addiction. My son is going down that road, not unlike his father. I totally relate to the lies, and the 'say one thing/do another' scenario.... it can be maddening. If we are making plans to get together, I know for me... I ultimately have to live by, To Thine Own Self Be True. If I'm going to have a resentment when I'm with him.... it is waaaay better if we wait another day. What Good can it possibly do?
One day, we had a plan to meet for brunch and as I was driving there to pick him up, I get a phone call, he can barely talk (still sleepy even though it's mid-morning) and he asks, "Can we do something later??" I told him I was already on my way, I would give him another hour. During this time, the smoke coming out of my ears was getting thicker and thicker and, in my head, he had a juicy lecture coming his way!!!! Gratefully, I called my sponsor to run it by her. (there is a program suggestion, "restraint of pen and tongue" ... so I thought I'd get her feedback)
Well, she has a way of bursting my ego bubble, hehe! She asked me what my MOTIVE was for planning the lecture... of course, it was to change him. (duh, we don't have that kind of power.) She reminded me, there is nothing I can do to get him to stop. NOTHING. I am powerless. And I had CHOICES here, I could tell him we could just do it another day..... or I could just be his mom and love him as he is, remembering that my child has a disease. I needed the reminder that when I lecture him, it pushes him away from me and that's not what I want, I harm MYSELF with that behavior. If I can, I always want to be in his life. If I can.
So, I picked him up, I picked up the tab (no biggie, not like I'm paying his rent)... we had a very good visit because I gave him the dignity to be who he was, to take his own path. His journey is HIS journey and has nothing to do with me. When I put my arms around him, I send him love and light, I bless him, that's the most powerful thing I feel I can do. He is well on his way of losing everyone else in his life because of his disease. If I can.... I always want to be there for my son. For me, I don't count on him EVER choosing recovery because of me, I don't believe it's meant to be my role. I believe HP will orchestrate that some other way... I will just be his mother.... and I will accept my powerlessness.
Love and tolerance is our code. Some days I can do it. Some days, I just have to be where I'm at.... (To Thine Own Self Be True) ... and try another day. But that day showed me, that when I link up to a Power greater than myself, amazing things will happen. I am not ME anymore, I am a channel for HP's love and grace. To me, that's the ultimate goal.
I certainly can't do any of this on my own. I rely on this fellowship to show me how. My part is showing up with willingness and an open-mind. And when I'm NOT willing.... that's what I have to pray for.
Some may not agree with my solution. In al-anon, you get to take what you like and leave the rest. When it came to my son, it was different than dealing my alcoholic husband. I want to be there unconditionally for my child. If I can. That's just me.
You have CHOICES, Marsha. Take care of yourself, whatever that looks like. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 20th of February 2011 10:08:54 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 20th of February 2011 10:32:46 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
In the past two months, my son has lost his girlfriend, his sister and his father, they want nothing to do with him. Today, he only has ME to call. He has sobbed and sobbed on the phone with me this week. I am grateful, that I have this program of recovery showing me how to be there for him... in loving detachment. As expected, the next day, everything in his world was "fine." Maddening, but.... I'm just not going to leave him out in orbit, I'm going to keep reaching out.
To me, whether I am in his life or not.... I do NOT have the power to change him. I choose to be in his life. If I can.
I have walked myself through my fears... through the worst-case scenario... I imagined him in prison... I pictured him reaching for me, sobbing. Even under those conditions, I want to be there for him. He is my son. Always. It is the role my Higher power has assigned to me. When I stay in contact with that Power, I seem to be able to fulfill that role, as best I can. I am only human which means, "perfectly imperfect"... but that's what I am trying to do.... "just for today."
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 20th of February 2011 11:06:18 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 20th of February 2011 11:09:56 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Marsha, Sorry you have to go through this. I do believe that your daughter will reach a point of being tired of being dependent and childlike, but not sure when that might happen. Hopefully sooner rather than later. For some of us (I am also alcoholic - though in recovery for a while now) it does take jail to really open our eyes up and to change. Sometimes it takes going to rehab and halfway in another state and being cut off from parents completely. I can't say if this is the answer for you and for her. I do know that I have seen it several times and it was part of what eventually led to someone developing lasting sobriety.
In my experience, as long as I kept seeking out enablers, I stayed sick. When I was ready to stop drinking, I also had a deep understanding that it was time to grow up. I pray she reaches this realization before it is too late. I got sober at 36 and my poor parents still need reminders to back off and that I can take care of myself. If I let them do too much, I get sick and I start acting like a brat because I don't like needing them to do things for me as I am a grown man.
Just remember your primary job as a parent is done. You did not fail because she has addiction problems. She is grown and has her own choices and conseqences.
I do believe that you have received some good feedback on the subject. from the MIP members I just would suggest that you examine your motives for taking her on your trip'
If , as you say it would be nice to spend some time with her then do so. Enjoy her company, if you can afford it buy are a little lunch and a gift. It would make the day joyful and memorable.
If on the other hand you will resent her being there, feel manipulated and that she is freeloading and should not get anything because she did not work for it ___Then leave her home. I will be unpleasant for everyone
Examining my motives always helped to determine my actions Keep coming back H
To avoid confusion, Marsha, enabling in my opinion, would be doing something for my son what he should be doing for himself. Taking our kids out to lunch and/or shopping is not enabling to me, it's spending time with my child. My son hasn't asked me for anything. And I don't see where you were considering doing anything more, am I wrong?
As I've already stated, my son has not had many serious consequences... yet. Perhaps Pinkchip has had to take that tough love approach and cut his children out of his life... I am not the person who has had to make that decision. I hope it never comes to that.
Just for today, my HP understands my attachment to my son and I am going to practice my al-anon skills to the best of my ability and be there for him... if I can. Being there, is not enabling. I don't do anything for my son that I don't also do for my daughter, they are treated equally.
Al-anon gave me skills to be around my son and not lose my sanity, I still have a relationship with him. His father cannot say that. And even though my former husband believes his controlling approach is going to force him to change, I do not see it happening. He is as powerless as I am, he just doesn't know it.
Again, take care of yourself, whatever that looks like. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
No...actually I was going to mention that going out to meals is seems to be just spending time together. Enabling is doing things that allow for and encourage addiction. I didn't even say that was going on here. Actually my experience is that when I really hit the skids, my parents did want me to move in with them and they wanted to make things better for me. I appreciate that my parents are loving and that is their instinct as parents. I sort of knew that if I moved back home from Florida to Maryland at 36, I would be a forever child for my whole life. I needed to grow up. So....I built a program of recovery on my own.
I don't think cutting off your child is ever an answer. To the degree that you can, I think it's best that addicts and alcoholics always have the emotional support of family...but there usually does come a point where protecting them from natural consequences of alcohol and drug abuse is more harmful than helpful.
At that time, it is then necessary to set boundaries and those are different for everyone. I only said I have "sometimes" seen it necessary for children to move to a new state, attend rehab there, and start all over away from parents. That is not the case most or all of the time. Even in those cases, they don't emotionally "cut off" their kids. They just create more of a sink or swim situation that is agreed upon as a boundary ahead of time.
You have to live with YOUR choices. I would not listen to what other people's opinion of MY situation is. What do YOU want to do? Do you want to take your daughter and spend some time with her? Do you not want to?
What if your daughter died tomorrow? What if she got clean and sober and won the lottery?
How would you want to be treated if you were in her shoes?
These are some of the questions I ask myself when I am confused as to what to do when it comes to an A. I believe it makes it extra hard when the A is a child (no matter how old).
In the end, you have to be happy with you.
Personally, I stopped asking my family for advice because when I didn't do as they said, they got very angry....insted, I come to alanon, share what I am feeling and hear what I need to hear.
Because we do not give advice here, no one gets mad when you don't do as they tell you to. That is a truly beautiful thing!!!!!
It is pretty hard to learn to set boundaries with any addict. I felt sorry for, rescued, helped the ex A for years on end. I could be caught in it in a second. These days around addicts I am very very hard line. I do nothing absolutely nothing that will enable them. At times I have to deal with them the issue is what's good for me rather than what can I give to them.
Please do get yourself a copy of the book Getting them Sober offered above.
One other thing I would say about an addict there is absolutely nothing that predicts what they will do, what course they will go to and what their next step will be. I've been there done that and been around the corner. They always did what they wanted not the next logical thing.
