The material presented
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level.
My husband and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary 4 days ago. He hit the bottle again last night. I, of course, did what I always do when this happens and became very hateful. I say mean things. Which is of course better than what I want to do, which is squeeze his head off of his neck. Not really of course, but I have the vision in my head from time to time :)
Of course, we are farmers, so there is no boss to fire him if he drinks too much. Unless you count me. I have pulled him out of tractors to keep him from injuring himself (or tearing up equipment we can't afford to replace), I have taken away his keys, poured out his alcohol, taken his money, debit card and check book. I even duct taped him once. I know that sounds mean and evil, but he was attempting to jump out of a moving vehicle. (And actually accomplished this once)
Because we are farmers, I have to keep track of every penny that we spend for tax purposes. I can tell you that we spent $14,000 on alcohol and tobacco products last year. How do I know this you ask? The community we live in has two stores...both sell alcohol and tobacco products, sodas and candy and such. No fuel.
I come from a family of farmers, and in this country, farming and alcohol go hand in hand. If your a farmer, it's a given that you drink. My grandfather drank, my dad drinks, although he has slowed down to about a 6-12 pack a day, his dad drinks, his mom drinks. I even drink sometimes, altough, I have stopped for his sake.
This is my second marriage, and I was again married to someone that had an alcohol problem.
We have three children between us and I am terrified that the children will grow up drinking. I have talked about this to them. Honest talk, as they are old enough for honest talk.
I love my husband, and will not leave him, although I threaten from time to time. Not sure why, because this doesn't help. He is a wonderful man. Kind and thoughtful. Until the bottle.
He drinks beer everyday....most times between 6-12. The bottle is what gets him when he gets into it, it changes him. I know that he needs to stop altogether, but I can't make that decision for him. He has seizures and is on 3 medications to control them. The doctors have told him that the medication can be reduced if he will slow down at least on his drinking. And he tries.
He has a third DWI charge against him right now that we are fighting. I think that maybe we can get the charges reduced, and the only reason I am helping him do this is the fact that I really don't believe he should have been charged with this one. He wasn't even driving. Wasn't in the vehicle, didn't even have possesion of the keys.
I am at a loss..I don't know how to help him. He goes to counseling once or twice a month. He has tried the local AA, but it's not really helpful to him. Our local AA is a joke. All the people that go are there for parole or probation slips and then they all go outside and drink beer and smoke pot while waiting on their rides. The last time he went, when I pulled up there were guys out there smoking meth in a glass pipe.
I dont mean to laugh, but that duct tape got to me, sounds like a good idea to me.
Well to tell you the truth there is nothing you can do about him, you have already tried everything. There is something you can do about you , now try Alanon.
It may not get your husband sober, but it will make you feel a whole lot better.
Your husband doesnt need your help. Why are you trying to get the DWI charges reduced?? I use to pray that the X alcoholic husband would get a DUI, it took him almost 26 years to get one and it was a doozy. Your husband needs to suffer the consequences of his drinking, if you keep rescuing him, he will always depend on you to catch him and fix it. That does not help an alcholic get sober. That makes you an enabler.
I hope you will take the time to read the experiences of the members on this board. I hope you will try and find an Alanon meeting in your community and attend if you cant there are meetings on this board, there is a chat also. Most importantly is to read and get educated on the disease of alcoholism. Alanon is here for you to support you, you already stated divorce is out of the question. That is fine and your decision, but there are tools to help you cope with this disease.
I also have never heard of duct tape being used to stop the alcoholic from drinking. Now that I know, I will file it in my filling cabinet under "Won't Work" along with thousands of others solution that have been tried and also failed. My point is...nothing works. The disease is just to powerful, actually cunning, baffling, and powerful. The disease takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic and becomes #1 ahead of family, love ones, business or anything and everything it comes in contact with. We are powerless over the disease.
Accepting I was powerless was hard for me. Realizing my life had become unmanageable however was easy, all I had to do was look in the mirror at someone who had become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic in my life. It's sad watching someone you love go deeper and deeper in the grips of the disease. No matter what I tried the disease always won, as I think you have found out for yourself.
We have no control over our alcoholic or their drinking. We do have control over ourselves. How we react or don't react to their drinking. In Al-Anon we learn how to take care of ourselves first. We are given tools of the program to protect us from ourselves. We are told that our sereniry and peace of mind come first. We are told to put all the focus on us and not the A in our lives. You might ask, how is that going to change my A Husband? It's not, but it can change your life for the better as it has millions of others. The Al-Anon program works. I'm living proof.
Please find a meeting in your area, it will be life changing. Members in the rooms of Al-Anon have walked and many are still walking in your shoes. No one will give you advice or tell you what you should or should not do. They will share their experience, strength, and hope. We call ES&H giving back to others what has worked for us.
We can't make our A's seek recovery, but we need and deserve recovery for ourselves. Without help this disease is to much for most of us. Nothing you have tried has worked, doing the same things over and over and getting the same results accomplishes nothing. Try the Al-Anon program that is proven and tested.
You are not alone anymore, you have found a new and caring family here on Miracles In Progress, I'm gald you found us...start your recovery.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 19th of February 2011 03:59:53 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 19th of February 2011 11:48:25 PM
I too thought the duct tape incident was priceless. You have certainly come to the right place for love support and comfort! In one way or another we have all stood in you shoes and when we work this program ( really work it ) you will find you can step out of those shoes and change them to another pair. A recovery pair if you will. We do not give advise here unless you are in danger. But we will gladly give to you our experiences....lessons we have learned and coping mechinisms ( healthy ones ) that will allow you if you are willing to change will bring you peace instead of living in a world of turmoil, chaos, anger and resentment. Now when I first got here I thought people would tell me how to "fix" my son, who is an addict but got set very quickly that this program is for me only. I am powerless over the actions of my son. Upon hearing that I almost left the program thinking I didnt need help, i wasnt the sick one. Well I am here to tell you by the time i hit the doors of alanon I was probably sicker than my son without ever taking a drink or drug. An old timer in the program told me this " work ( again really work ) the program for 6 months, it is free of charge and after the months you feel this isnt working for you we will gladly refund your misery" Wow I had to really think on that one but I knew for sure I was so sick and tired of being miserable that I took him up off his offer. And it was the best gift I could ever have given myself. So I right now issue you the same challenge. I will tell you this run don't walk to the nearest alanon meeting in your area. Personally I don't have any in my area so have done all my recovery online. We have meetings here in the meeting/chatroom twice daily. You can check out the times in that room and sees what works for you. I am over 2 years in the program ( so still think of myself as a newbie) and I know I will be here for life. In order for me to keep on track with my recovery I attend at least one meeting a day. It is recommended 90 meetings in 90 days. Yu will get educated on this disease and learn how to live with it in a healthy way. I don't know how old your children are but if old enough I would highly recommed alateen, Addiction just doesnt come from growing up around a drinker or addict it is genetic. We had very little alcohol in our home and certainly no drugs yet our son drew the genetic short straw. Had I found this program earlier maybe I could have taught him better coping skills to just say no so to speak but i will never know now. Today he is sober, but I watch him struggle everyday to live life on lifes terms and not give in to the temptaion of using drugs. And i only take things one day at a time. If he is sober today than its been a good day and we will see what tomorrow brings. But going back to your post.......and I am going to be a bit brutally honest here...it is not an attack on you what so ever But you listed pretty much everything all of us have tried to get our loved ones to quit drinking or drugging So i will ask you... How has doing all those things worked for you so far? I already know the answer...they havent worked You are totally powerless over your husbands drinking All you can do is control your own behavior Part of what you will learn is to allow your husband the diginty of his decisions, and let him feel the consequenses of his actions As long as you keep cushioning his " bottom" he will never reach it and if he doesnt reach it then there is no reason what so ever for him to find his own recovery. I had my son sit in jail ( well the judge did ) for 10 months on a rehab unit. Is it what I would have wanted for him? Of course not but I learned to respect his decisions and had to let him fall before he could fully understand the consequenses and feel the consequenses. I wonder why you want to try to fight your husbands DUI when this is the perfet time to allow him to feel the consequenses. This maybe a blessing in disquise, the judge could order rehab for him, urine tests, therapy, 12 step group etc. And while your husband may resist you never know what he will hear that will help him. It has been said only one drunk can help another. I guess my point is ( and this is also a learned behavior in our program ) give your husband over to his HP (higher power ) he has one he just doesnt know it yet. Let him make his decisions then get out of the way and let the chips fall where they may, cause his HP has a plan for him ( and you ) and everytime you get in HP's way you hinder your husbands consequenses and path his HP wants him on. Does that make sense? By doing all those things that do not work and you cushioning his bottom you are standing in the way of HP's plan for him and if you continue he has NO reason to get sober and he won't. This is a progressive disease, untreated it only gets worse. Never better. if you truly want him to get better get out of his way And again I say this as a parent of an addict who thinking i could control things, fix my son etc kept getting in HP's way cause i was so sure I knew better what my son needed, and each time I got in the way things turned out to be a disater. I know you are going to hear a lot of things that may confuse you at times or hear things you dont like and dont want to hear but nothing anyone here tells you is out of malice. It comes straight from our hearts because we know exactly how you are feeling. Long story short ( to late for that righ now i guess?) get to alanon ASAP face to cace meetings or here on line whatever works for you, just get there and begin your own recovery. Many people here live with partners who are active drinkers or on drugs. There is just nothing wrong in loving an alcoholic/addict. They just just as deserving of love as anyone else. But I hear the anger and frustraion in you writing so I will also ask you this " are you a victim ot volunteer?' in living with an alcoholic. I felt victimized for so many years due to my sons addiction.... always wondering where i went wrong, I wasnt a good enough mother ( in which i was a fantastic mother btw lol) why was he doing this TO us etc... I could go on. But what i learned is another persons addiction IS NOT personal. It has nothing repeat nothing to do with you. It is a disease that takes no prisioners. If he could stop ( your husband ) his drinking he would but the disease has now taken him over completly, he knows the pain he is creating, he doesnt like himself, his self esteem is in the toliet and all he knows is if his drinks enough he can escape that pain it is a visious cycle that only perpetuates itself until if or when he finds and accepts recovey. Enabling is doing for him what he is perfectly able to do for himself. If that means he passes out in the front yard you can maybe put a blanket over him but let him wake up with the neighbors watching, if he gets a DUI let him get himself out of it. Another thing I will say is we are only as sick as our secrets so do not be embarrased or horrfied if he acts out in public that is for him to own not you and is no way a refletion on you. I cant tell you how many times I was horrified at my sons actions in public but our neighbors family and friends already understood what i was unable to speak up with at the time. And I learned that they may pay attention for a few minutes frankly they all have thier own problems to deal with and didn't give my son much thought. Your job is to take care of you and the children. You certainly don't have to shout your husbands disease from the roof tops but you would be suprised at all the people who already know ( all our neighbor for example were well aware of our sons addiction long bfore we could say it out loud and to thier credit they rallied around us to give support) and dont be surpised to find you are not alone, not just here of course where we are living with the same disease, but your friends and nieghbors who are going through the same thing yet still afraid to speak out. Here you will never be alone again, You will not find anyone judging you here...quite the opposite all yur decisions will be supprted But I will say it again, get to meetings and work the steps and let alanon guide you to a better way of life oh and alateen for the children for sure if they are old enough. Ok that was to long of lecture for your first time here lol Blessing to you and know that you are loved Blessings to you And hope to see you in a meeting soon
Hi Estelline. I don't really have anything more to add that hasn't been said here already. Just wanted to re-affirm that you are not alone. Many of us are in your shoes; living with and loving alcoholics. The others are right - you do have to think of yourself and what is right for you. But you cannot control his drinking. I have tried everything (except duct tape!) and have given up. I don't leave him or throw him out because, rightly or wrongly, he is dependant on me physically and financially. I have found friendship and enormous support on this board. However low am feeling people here still manage to make me smile. Good luck and keep coming back.
