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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Not sure where I belong..but I'm terrified
Post Info TOPIC: Not sure where I belong..but I'm terrified
kyrie


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Not sure where I belong..but I'm terrified
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Good morning,

I went to 3 alanon meetings in the last 2 weeks. I haven't said a word. Honestly, I don't know where to begin. I said I was a "newcomer" at the first meeting, but I wasn't in a strict sense. I attend alanon about 5 times 2 years ago. I'm just not sure if this is where I belong but I know that I cannot go on like this...

My grandmother was an alcoholic as are many of my extended family members. My mother (her daughter) is not an alcoholic but has Borderline Personality Disorder. I expect that her illness is directly related to the alcoholism. We don't have any contact after years of abuse.

The last contact with my mother prompted me to attend Alanon. A therapist said that it was good for people from dysfunctional families. My father just died from Cancer very suddenly. My mother was shaming me for seeing him when he was dying. I live across the country. Although she's had many episodes, this was the most vicious. My father and i had been estranged for about a year prior to his illness. He was a recovering alcoholic and became very involved in a church and was resentful that I moved across the country. He was also obsesses with my mother (divorced) and accused me of putting her in touch with him.. untrue. Basically, If I talked to one, the other would lash out. I'm in my 30's..

I was fortunate to have my "uncle" dad's best friend since age 10. He helped me through the confusion I was having, as did alanon. He was in many programs and new addiction. Then, a year later he died of cancer, suddenly.

As of 2 weeks ago I found out that my brother, 10 years sober from Heroin, is relapsing and has been since the early fall. I had a feeling but didn't want to admit it. Finally his friend told me. He ran away at a young age and was missing for years, then my dad and uncle got him into rehab. It finally took. I never expected this.

In short.. (after all of this) my husband and I are his only real family. My mother is crazy and dad is dead. I adore him and am terrified that he will overdose. He wants to use suboxone (from the street) to detox at my house. He refuses to go to detox/rehab. I think his 10 years of sobriety is the only thing that he is proud about and to do that would be too much of a blow to his  minimal self-esteem. My husband is reluctant. We told him he had to call my husband first and he still hasn't done that. I talked to him before an alanon meeting yesterday (he asked what my husband wanted to know) and then he called me at night to "check in." It took him 5 minutes to remember he'd called me earlier in the day.

It's all so confusing because I exhibit many signs of a ACOA. I do, however, get help for anxiety and depression. I feel like the Adult Child issues are one thing and the ongoing terror and obsession i feel about my brother is another.  It is all I think about. I have knot in my chest that only goes away when I cry. I don't think that I even realize how scared I am of losing him.

I apologize for the length and venting. I am just so grateful to get it out.


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pinkchip


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You definitely have a seat in alanon even if you don't feel like you belong. You have a lot on your plate. The disease of addiction has really created havoc in your life it sounds like. I am sorry for all your losses. I will pray for your brother...It sounds like his plan to detox using street drugs in your house is not all together rational...but he is hooked on heroin at the moment so I guess that's to be expected. Regardless, a very difficult place for you to be. Just remember that none of this is your fault. Those three C's go a long way. You didn't cause it, cant cure it, cant control it.

Mark

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Mattie


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Welcome and so glad that you found us. All addictions are very similar -- they create the same kind of craziness -- so Al-Anon can be very helpful for you. 

I understand the fear of losing your brother, bad enough in itself but even worse after all the losses you've had.  Sadly, as you know, we cannot control them, even to help them regain their sanity.

If your brother had so much sobriety, he "knows" the lay of the land -- that people can't break away from addiction on their own.  The addiction is still trying to keep him using there.  Part of recovery is having the humility to acknowledge that we've lapsed. Trying to hide it is not going to help his recovery.

And your absolute first responsibility is to take care of you, the person that had so little care in years gone by.  My own experience is that an addict trying to detox and get clean on their own is like, well, a hand grenade. We have to protect ourselves. I'm sure you know that but have a hard time thinking what your brother would do if he didn't have your home to detox in.  But as you know, he won't really be detoxing there, he'll be using. Because that's what addicts do when they're not in real recovery.

You deserve so much support.  There are online meetings here too, as well as the face-to-face ones in your town.  Do keep using all the support you can.  These things are so, so hard.  Hugs to you.

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kyrie


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Thank you both, so much. The power of someone validating your feelings is huge. I am really, very touched. I think that I will stick with alanon in person meetings. I will also use the boards. I know that having my brother detox in my home is not a good idea, I know it...but I cannot say "no." Honestly, I'm afraid that if something happens to him I will never live down the guilt. What I can live with, for now, is to have strict rules about his time here that are explained by my husband. If he chooses not to abide by those rules, he cannot come. Even as I say this I realize that it is not optimal but it is the choice I think I must make. Really, he is in such a relapse right now that I have a feeling he won't come..he's not ready to stop it for good and I know he is ashamed to use in our presence. Thank you so much.

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Debilyn


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Kyrie you have suffered so much loss. It sounds like you have done the very best you could do in very serious situations. It tears us down to go thru so much.

I have experience with heroin addicts. One thing I know for sure is they need help to detox from the heroin. It's honestly very dangerous for them to go thru it with out medical intervention.

We are not equipped for an emergency. What if he was dieing and you had no idea that was what the symptoms were showing?

I understand the being ashamed part. My ex and his brother were and are addicts. They had very high integrity. I never saw either of them shoot up. But it makes no difference, you would be putting your husband and yourself in a horribly dangerous situation to have him kick at your home.

If he was in his right mind he would not think of asking you to do this. If it were me I would look into rehabs for heroin addicts. Get the information, educate myself. Then let my loved one know what I had gathered, that I would support him in anyway I could when he went to rehab, but not have it in my home.

We have to protect ourselves. If your brother was thinking straight, he would surely want you to do so.

Glad you are here! love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
kyrie


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Just want to say "thank you."

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pinkchip


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You know how it works...when you reach out for help it helps us to help you! Keep coming back Kyrie

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