someone commit me please.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

someone commit me please....

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Debi,

Im not going to accept that you have somehow lost yourself because your circumstances are changing.

You are not the house you live in, or the animals you care for....you are Debilyn, who has taken the inner journey and have
overcome so much in her life. Change is hard, I know, I just did it myself. I lost my home too. It was all I knew for 15 years. The only
income I have is my social security and they just took 100.00 from that , because oh, joy, I turned 65. Im so lucky. (thats sarcastic) lol.

We could blame all our woe's on the Alcoholic, but it wont make the situation any better. For we always had a part in it. We took the gamble and we lost
partners, but we didnt lose ourselves. You havent lost yourself. Your just unsure.

These are the times that we must have faith and know our HP has a plan for us. I know your just venting...I'm here in support...

Yes, I understand too when young people say, they want to marry an alcoholic and my whole being shouts out "NO" dont do it. But you and I know
everyone has their journey and lifes lessons.

Your new life, its going to be great... Luv, Bettina

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

As you know I lost my home eventually and have not had an ideal living situation since.

I know how wrenching it is to leave as well as to have to let go of so much.

Eventually the grief subsides and new goals and visions emerge.

I certainly feel the same way about alcoholics. When I learn someone is one I change my boundaries completely.

Maresie.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Deb,

I understand. I have been there too. As I was packing when I had to leave my house ... yes now I think of it as a house not my home, I am in my real home now ... I had those memory attacks you spoke of. I don't know which were the harder to face good ones or bad ones. At the time I was practicing handing other things over to my HP so I handed the memories off too. So with each good memory I handed off the memory and the pain of letting go of the illusion I had about my life, and with the bad ones I handed off anger and resentment issues. What I remember now is how exhausted I was and did not even know it.
I sometimes too want to yell NO NO NO ... in fact I am proud of myself as the other day a client was talking about a potential love interest. She had concerns and red flags of active alcoholism. I finally after listening, she knows some of my history, was say that I have decided that considering how much time I spent alone when I was involved with my exah in active alcoholism that I would rather live and be alone than to feel alone with the added worry about another person's health in that situation. I did good and I know she will make the decisions that are right for her. It was hard though not to just throw my whole story out there and yell NO to her cause I care and in my experience it hurt too much.
I can identify with the wish for a freshly washed moostiff ... it is still too cold to give the beast a bath LOL if I could fit him in the tub I would and let him dry overnight inside but he won't fit. We've tried. Big smooch and a little drool from him and lots of prayers for serenity from me. Much love.

Jen

DreamXL · Senior Member

((Deb))) hang in there girl :) your doing a great job....the only thing i would like to say is this..........whatever relationship you had with the ex A you can bet its no different than whoever hes with now...they all pretty much do the same thing and in my experience its only the level of abuse that differs...they are all abusive its part of the disease. Some physical some not, havent found one that isnt emotionally abusive. It's such a selfish disease, addiction is truly cunning and baffling to say the least. So glad your free and i hear you loud and clear with the effects of living with it ...your doing great Deb, everything will be ok...ive been following your posts :)

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Your so right Dream,

The XAH was carrying on with another woman after we were married 10 years. I wasnt aware of the affair and it didnt come to light until we
were married 26 years and the fact that she gave birth to twins was something he couldnt hide. He said it was a 10 year off and on thing.

Anyway, it was quite an experience, of course I was hurt, betrayed the whole thing. But, I met this woman, as I was curious as to who she was.
Well, she was Me , 15 years earlier. I realized that since Alanon I had changed, grown boundaries, just plain grew into a different woman. It helped
me see that he was still the same alcoholic I had married 26 years ago.

He didnt end up with this woman and the twins are not in his life because I had regular conversations with her and she went to Alanon.
She ended up breaking it off and baring him from her kids lives. Which he could of cared less... do alcoholics think things thru??? I dont think
so, they just react to their animalistic needs and wants. Instant gratification is what they want, without any concerns for anyone else.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb,
Hang on to the positive - ¨One thing I am grateful for is I feel safe. I really do.I am grateful that nothing is really wrong or making me scared.¨
This is such a tough time for you, changes can be exciting but are also a little bit scary. And you're going through some BIG changes right now.
I remember being excited yet scared before I made the move here to Guatemala. I brought my dog with me but was unable to bring my cats.
I was so worried I wouldn't find good homes for them but at the last minute a friend agreed to take them. I'm so glad, or I might still be living in the U.S.
I'm happy to hear Dickens and Boo have found a good home. It's so hard letting go, especially of our animals that we love so much.
¨I picture all my dogs are super clean and my bedding is white. I can live in a white nightgown.¨ Yeah, I have that dream sometimes too. Ain't never gonna
happen, lol! At least not for me. But that's ok, white bedding is overrated! You ARE blessed, and you WILL find you again. Give it some time and TCOYF!
I know you're a strong woman and you're going to be fine. But come here whenever you need to vent, that's what we're here for!
Big HUGS to you ((((Deb))))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb...massive change leads to depression. Even though you have identified you are better off, you still are going through with depression and anxiety due to the shock and how raw and new all this is.

Just regarding your ex-AH having someone to pay his bills and such already...Are you surprised? He needed to find another enabler fast. Look, you just unshackled yourself and are FREE! That is a good thing.

Speaking as an alcoholic, it also isn't fun to be dependent and childlike, even though it seems like the alcoholic is skating through life with no responsibilities. It's more like (for me) desperately avoiding responsibilities due to deep deep seated insecurities about myself. So...nothing to feel bitter about...it's a lame and unfulfilling lifestyle (being alcoholic) from my own experience.

One day at a time you will get to a place so much better!

Mark

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Mark. I want to make it clear I always say "his disease" did this not him. I know he is very sick. I loved him so much.

I honestly am grateful for this woman he parasites from. I would not want him in the streets in pain. I feel sad for her however as she is terminally ill. I have no idea if he is still sober, but for her sake I hope he is.

I have no ill will against A's. NOT at all. I could have just as easily been born an addict, its nothing anyone would choose.

I am so thankful you came to MIP. You share both sides of your experience. I am also thankful you are on a strong recovery program.

Your share here touched me. I am in such a place I don't remember ever being in. I hope I can find some counseling to help me.

Yes I am grateful for all I have. You are right, change is stress no matter if it is good or bad.

As of today all the animals I am placing have homes. Once the pot pigs are picked up next week I will feel better.

Glad you are here Mark. love,deb

DreamsOver · Senior Member

If you get into a place like you described (I loved the idea of a white night gown) can I please go with you?

Thinking of a place where we could lay down our troubles for awhile, my mind goes to a place like that from time to time.

My serene place is a happy home, with cleaned closets and kitchen cabinets so neat it would make Martha Stewart green with envy. My family close around me and my children safe where no harm could ever reach them, sitting around the kitchen table having dinner with my mother and daddy laughing as we used to do, then going out onto the porch with my daddy and me sitting in the swing while he had his coffee as we talk things over, watching the kids playing in the yard as the lighting bugs start flickering, and the crickets start singing.

Go to your safe place time to time it helps with our stress, but we have to make a life for ourselves in the here and now, it is the only place we have.

I watched "Gone With The Wind" the other night on TV and when Scarlett had taken all she could she would just say "I can't think about that right now, I will think about that tomorrow" sometimes that is all we can do.

One day at a time.

((((Hugs to you)))

Dreams

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

awwww Deb , your whitenite gown made me smile too , I have a Al-Anon friend who at the end of her rope had a bubble bath , dressed in her fav night gown and new pink housecoat , did her hair, make up and put on pink fluffy new slippers and called a cab she went to our local hospital and begged them to put her in the physc ward , crying and trying to explain the insanity going on in her home , they wouldnt admit her so she had to borrow money from a nurse for a cab home true story Deb I swear . Your gonna be okay , change takes time . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 21st of February 2011 02:49:36 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh louise, leave it to you to make me chuckle and smile. thank you. I do relate to the story.

I am afraid to say it, but I think I am getting a bit better. A little more in control.

Still not me though.

thank you! love,deb

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb,

You are going to be fine, one day at a time, and that's a rhyme.......just for you !!

In my three years on MIP is has been evident that you have a strong program, wonderful ES&H to all newcomers and members alike. You have been a blessing to MIP.

I know you are going through changes in your life, some you have control over and some you don't. You know the saying, HP never puts more on our plate than we can handle, that's true, sometimes the problems come when we pile extra stuff on our plate. How do you eat an elephant...one bite at a time. Whether you realize it or not that is exactly what you have been doing, eating the elephant one bite at a time. The problem.......it was a large elephant.

You are so understanding and filled with good. You have gone through lots in the past few weeks. Think where you were and where you are & how much has been accomplished by Deb in a short period of time. You might not be able to see that clearly, but we can. We are not walking in your shoes, but you have painted a picture, sometimes humorous and sometimes serious, that allowed us to walk with you.

You said: "I'm afraid to say it, but I think I'm getting a bit better".

To me you are saying I'm a long way from where I started, I can smile, take a deep breath, and know HP is walking with me. And Deb, the weight you feel on your shoulder, it's only HP's arms around you.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 20th of February 2011 11:49:59 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.