The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm angry at the 12 Steps! How dare they be worded so simply, yet be so hard to do! So, I'm angry at them today. I'm angry because I know I have to do the work, but the work is hard. I want someone else to do it for me. So, I'm angry!
I want to run away. I want to run as far and as fast as I can. And when I get tired of running, I want a new life to appear magically before me. I'm angry that running away won't solve anything.
I'm angry that I don't know what to do. I'm angry that every time I ask myself a question, the only answer I have is "I don't know." I'm angry no one will give me a list of what I am supposed to do.
I'm angry that I have to find a sponsor, that I have to be the one to ask for help, that someone won't magically appear to help me.
I'm angry that I can't make everyone do what I want them to do. If everyone would just listen to me, everything would be better. I'm angry that I can't control everyone and everything in my life.
So, today, I am angry. And, its OK to be angry. I am making big changes in my life. I'm learning new ways. And its OK to be angry. For awhile. Tomorrow, I can choose a new emotion. But, for today, I'm angry because I want easy and nothing is easy.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Friday 18th of February 2011 02:16:14 PM
I've oftentimes felt resentful that I couldn't just behave in the same irresponsible manners as the A. "He can do it, so why can't I?" Sometimes I'd wish I could just plop myself down in the middle of the room and throw a tantrum.
I'm grateful in understanding that the reason why I wouldn't behave irresponsibly is because I simply expect better of myself and know that I won't like how I feel about myself if I did.
Sure, I'll have my tantrums, but I make sure to do it where no-one's around to hear it or I give my sponsor a warning that I'm going to be venting big-time and then let it fly.
Change isn't always easy - sometimes it's downright uncomfortable and annoying.
A tantrum! That's exactly what I'm having. Today, I feel like 3-year old who isn't getting her way. So, today, I'm going to lay down in the middle of aisle at the grocery store and scream and yell and cry and kick and hold my breath until I get my way.
It didn't work when I was 3. It won't work now. But, it is what I feel like doing.
I love the honesty and the depth of your awareness!! I too felt exactly as you have stated and each time I asked "What should I do?" I heard : Work the Steps' They are the solution
You are right they are not easy they talk easy and walk hard but they are the road to freedom and serenity ,courage and wisdom
I find myself angry at the world I have been thrust into - before HIM I was normal, lived a normal life, was happy, did my thing and had my normal woes. I had long ago read the co-dependancy books, dance with anger, etc, everything I could find on how to resolve childhood issues - now I have 12 steps and learning that he is manipulative (what a manipulator is like, wow!) and having to deal with it and not be manipulated - i am angry that my caring nature was taken advantage of by his manipulative nature. I don't WANT to spend the rest of my life dealing with this! Yes, I understand angry.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Oh yeah, I get angry too, although not as much as I used to before finding alanon. I am angry that I have to change my way of life because HE is the one with the problem. In my more rational moments I realize that the alanon principles serve me in all of my life, not just in my dealings with my A. But that doesn't mean that I don't still sometimes get angry at the unfairness of it all. On the other hand, life is NOT fair, OR easy and I know that. Deal with your anger, wallow in it for awhile if that's what it takes. But you're right, tomorrow you can put on a new emotion. Isn't that great to know? You are in control and you will be better tomorrow, if even for just that day. One day at a time!
Today, I feel like 3-year old who isn't getting her way. So, today, I'm going to lay down in the middle of aisle at the grocery store and scream and yell and cry and kick and hold my breath until I get my way.
Lol, I've had that fantasy too! Just to let go and be pure emotional expression for 10 minutes.
What I've found is that Al-Anon works even if I don't seem to be consciously "working" it at times. As long as I keep reading and attending meetings, I'm still absorbing the lessons, so I "think Al-Anon" more and more as time goes by. I feel like I'm absorbing it by osmosis or something.
I've certainly had moments of, "Why do I have to do all this work to change? I didn't ask to be born into an alcoholic family!" Those happen less often now. I remember pretty quickly that I wasn't happy with the old me, and I WANT to change.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I had that tantrum too... about 25 years ago. I refused to accept any of it, only to end of crawling on my hands and knees through meeting doors once again. Another tantrum convinced me that I had become insane and my life was obviously unmanageable.
The anger slipped away for me when I stopped the resistance.... and surrendered. I get to practice this again and again and again...... with anything else I decide to butt heads with God over.
We get to choose. Twenty-five years ago, I chose to use my middle finger. When I finally came back in surrender, and I chose to change the things I can... my life got much more manageable. The insanity is to keep trying to change things I cannot change.
I can have my tantrums, but what I noticed is, God just kinda smiles and shakes His head at me and says, "My Way is soooooooo much better." I sometimes still fight with God.... I just never win.
Admit powerlessness. And then trust HP. "Trust." It gets better.
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 19th of February 2011 12:09:13 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 19th of February 2011 12:11:06 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Such a wonderfully put together post Very... It painted a picture for me and I felt so wonderful at knowing that tantrums work...really well.
A tantrum! That's exactly what I'm having. Today, I feel like 3-year old who isn't getting her way. So, today, I'm going to lay down in the middle of aisle at the grocery store and scream and yell and cry and kick and hold my breath until I get my way.
It didn't work when I was 3. It won't work now. But, it is what I feel like doing.
Ohhh I do so want to go along and watch and join in...make it a "it's okay" group tantrum!! I've always felt well put back together after I've thrown one of those.
I'm not feeling angry however tantrums are sooo good. ((((hugs))))
In my own recovery, so much has gotten better that I sometimes do refer to it as magic. Actually looking back on things though...there were many days that I felt like (and still feel occassionally) exactly what you just described. While it might not feel like progress all the time...you are making progress!
