The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. I have started recognizing my severity of codependency. I mentioned this to my AB, and he was completely confused by the fact that I have been blaming him for months and months because of my anger, depression, etc., and now I am blaming myself. I tried to explain that the only thing that matters is that I have recognized how miserable and that I am doing it to myself by my unhealthy thoughts and actions, amd making the whole situation worse for the both of us. Last night we argued about it. He told me that no matter what he does, I am miserable, I look for thing sto be miserable about and I will always be miserable. He said he was going to leave me. So, this morning as he's packing his bags (I couldn't say anything because I HAVE led us up to this point). He tells me he is going to only leave for the weekend, to give me time to figure things out and decide whether I really want him here or not. So, he leaves and I sit down to think how we've gotten to this point: First off let me start by saying, he has never raised his voice to me, put me down in any way, tried to control me, hurt my feelings intentionally, stolen from me, or done any other action to jeapordize this relationship. I, on the other hand, have put him down, gone through his things, yelled at him, and contantly blamed him for my misery. I am lucky that I have him. Although his addiction is a problem (for him), I have now realized that I can be happy with him, if I can only learn to let things go and stop looking for problems. I do not want him out of my life. I can teach myself to love myself, that I don't need to look to him for my happiness, I don't need to blame him for anything (because he really has not done anything, despite the mere fact that he is an addict) for me to be upset, depressed or angry about. So, I sit here alone today, knowing that he is right, I AM miserable all the time, and I am not even sure why. Thanks for listening to my ranting. I'm just reflecting on the oddity of how we (as enablers, addicts, or loved ones of such) put ourselves through so much hurt, when most of the time it is not necessary. It only makes matters worse.
I was in a similiar situation 2 years ago. So I did things to better myself. At the time for my AH, but now I am glad I have been able to better myself. I too was very angry and took it out on him, by picking fights, blaming him for my crappy childhood, and just refusing to find happiness in any way.
I was in a runt and had been for years (since toddlerhood) so I made changes. I went to therapy, got on medication to help with the moods, and changed my hours at work to be home more. He evern went to therapy with me, until his drinking and neglect towards the kids became a topic then he decided that he did not need it, only me. Soon I discontinued to go, but my attitude stayed better, I remained postive, and I was happy in life for once.
I learned to control my outburst and hold my tougue, especially when he was drinking. I began to time things better when discussing things with him. While, I admit all these things are great attributes for a person to have and am happy that I finally figured out how to maintain these things because it has helped me in all of my relationships.
In your post I heard a lot of you taking the blame, possibly blame that was not yours to take and taking the responsibility from him.
His drinking is a problem for both of you. If you feel the side effects from his drinking then it does affect you and therefore it is a problem. Your are right with the point that you are in control of your own happiness, but it is very difficult to maintain that happiness when you are doing all the work and he continues to do the same ol' thing and placing the blame on you for him being an A. You mentioned that 'you are unhappy all the time and do not know why'. Maybe it would be helpful for you to do something alone to figure out why this may be. For a very long time I was unhappy, but with therapy I was able to figure out why. I confronted the reasons to my anger and let it go. It was not easy, but man I feel so much better and my kids are so much happier lately.
One last thought, loving yourself is not something that you can teach yourself. It is a combination of how we were raised to feel about ourselves and the feelings we have when we are with others who love us. I believe there is a spectrum, on one end there is narcissism and the other is a balance of self-love and respect. If we are too far on one side we are very self assorbed and when other's do things to them they cannot get past themselves and blame everyone else for their problems and on the other side we have a balance and understanding and when things happen to us we take them for what it is and make informed decisions on how to handle it without sacrificing the value that they have for themselves and taking responsibility for their part.
He may be right about you being miserable, but has he offered what he can do to help you and both of you as a couple?
It appears that you are being very hard on yourselve and putting blaming on yourself when it is not you who is to blame. Only take responsibility for your actions and do not let him place his part of the responsibility (his drinking) on you.
While he is gone take this time to figure out your own things without the influence of anyone else.
OK so you have found that you play a large part in your own happiness. That is a big step towards being self aware and growth. Congratulations
I had a similar experience of realizing that my emotional state did not have to be ruled by what my exah did or did not do. In so many ways it was easier to let the responsibility of my happiness rest on his shoulders than to take it upon myself. Scary thought that I could be happy and have a productive life whether he was there or not, using alcohol or other substances or not and most importantly fulfilling my needs or not. It was and is my job to take care of me, be the healthiest I can be. And I had moments too where I wanted to share my newfound knowledge with my exah, in my experience it was a mistake to try to speak of what I felt I had done wrong. Eventually my acceptance of my own faults was used against me to justify intolerable behavior from my exah. And this slowed my progress of forgiving myself and finding happiness by adding many issues that in reality were not mine or anyone's fault onto my list of wrongful acts. You know when I was on the pedestal of being the perfect hold it together purity, I found it easy to see everyone else's faults and not my own. Tumbling off the pedestal to the muck below I found it really easy to see all my flaws and view everyone else as pretty perfect. Right now I could say I found this little balconey inbetween where I can see most of my flaws and I am not really worried about anyone else's.
My point is be careful not to swing too far to the other extreme like I did. You are figuring out the part you play in your life and it is a hard and rewarding process. Be gentle with yourself, do not pick up more than your fair share of the load (everyone has a responsibility to care for themselves), and take it one day at a time. Prayers and wishes.
I know it is not entirely my fault, as it is also not his. I have sat here for hours asking myself the questions, how do I make myself happy? Do I want to be with him? If so, how do I continuously cope with the situation, forgive him and myself for the past, and live in the present. Why do I want to be with him? Is it him or the dream of a man to always be by my side? The more questions I ask, the more questions I have. Can't seem to come to a conclusion on any of these.
I know that feeling of thinking, "Now that I realize how I've been contributing to the problem, I have the tools to fix the relationship! This is wonderful! This changes everything!"
Awareness is a wonderful advance in our recovery. But we are still in a relationship with an addict. If you read the other threads on the boards right now, you'll find JerryF's description of being in a relationship with an alcoholic: it's like the moth being in the relationship with the flame. Our awareness that we're the moth doesn't mean the flame is any less dangerous.
You wrote "I am lucky that I have him." And yet ... his response to your trying to explain this codependency stuff to him was to walk out for the weekend. You may say, "Well, I deserve it, I've been so hard on him." But ... I wonder if walking out, even for "only" a weekend, is a healthy response to an intimate conversation ... or I wonder if it's a way to draw you back in if he feels threatened by your growing awareness ... I wonder if "lucky" is an accurate way to describe an alcoholic who walks out. I'm not trying to be snarky -- I know I often have considered myself lucky to get any crumb of affection from people who put me about 1000th on their list of important things. It's not a very helpful part of my instincts, to undervalue myself like this.
I remember so many times I'd start to get a little more awareness, and that awareness helped me see that my relationship had grown so sick and distorted that I could hardly think straight or decide what was "normal" any more. And I'd feel a little stronger and more grounded. But then he would withdraw and I'd feel total panic and get sucked back in. All it took to start that craving would be him withdrawing. And withdrawing was his reaction of choice.
I know that welter of emotions when you start to look at things differently. I hope you can get to some meetings and keep on taking good care of yourself.
-- Edited by Mattie on Friday 18th of February 2011 04:32:08 PM
Faith...while this is probably not the most comforthing statement right now, you really do have all the tools for working this program. Your honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are coming across loud and clear. Those are the 3 main predictors of success in a 12-step program.
