The material presented
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I had a hard day today. My A bf kept texting me while I was working, I didn't answer because I can't at work. After about 10 texts, I checked the phone. BF wanted to borrow $20 for food since he has nothing to eat and said he was coming to my workplace.
I told him I didn't have cash and I would talk to him after work. He finally stopped texting. Now I know I wasn't giving him cash because he'd just use it for beer but I decided to get him some groceries so he can eat since he won't get his unemployment until probably Wednesday next week due to the holiday.
I arrived at his house and took the groceries in and he had beer so he had money for beer but not food? He thought he was coming to my house for the weekend and I told him he cannot come to my house until he stops drinking and so he had a major fit and told me to get the 'xxxx' out. I said I love him and if he chooses to stop drinking to let me know since it is his decision.
On the way home he tried to call and I didn't answer. Then he texts asking how to remedy the situation. I told him he already knows, stop drinking but that is his choice my choice is to tell him I cannot see him until he stops drinking.
Finally, he started the blame game, my kids drive him nuts, I am so selfish, etc. I have turned off the sound on my phone and am not answering his calls or texts because he is abusive now and I know it's the alcohol, but it still really hurts.
It wasn't wrong to take him food was it? I still love him. This is so hard but I am so tired of the behavior.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 17th of February 2011 07:24:11 PM
Honeypie - this is so difficult. We steer clear of giving outright advice on this board because every situation is different, no two people are the same and what works for one person will not necessarily work for another.
I can only speak from the benfit of experience and hindsight. I have been married for 39 years. My OH's alcohol dependance has only really become a huge problem in the last 6 years. With hindsight, I should have left him 6 years ago. The situation I am now in is one in which he is totally dependant on me both financially and physically. I have been living a nightmare these last 6 years, relieved only by my close friends, family and understanding colleagues. And, of course, my amazing cyber friends on this board. So - life is not so bad but it is not how I envisaged life would be in our later years. I dreamed of our life togehter once we retired - travel, shared interests and close companionship were all part of these plans ---- all destroyed by alcohol.
I won't give you direct advice - I only ask that you think long and hard about the future and where this man, with his obvious alcohol problems, fits into that. I do think you need to be sure where he is heading and if you want to be part of that.
I'm pleased you have found the MIP family - I, certainly, have found the support here to be truly awesome.
It is suggested in Al-Anon that we should let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of their own choices without any interference for us. In the long run we will both be better off for it. Verbal, emotional, or physical abuse in any form is unacceptable in any situation. Alcohol is no excuse. No free ticket.
We allow ourselves to become addicted to the alcoholic. We try to control their actions all while we justify it thinking we are helping. I've been there. I finally realized and accepted that my help was only hurting the alcoholics chances for recovery. Anything I tried, anything I did did not help. When we want their recovery more than they want their recovery our life becomes unmanageable. I've been there to.
My ES&H would be what worked for me: Start taking care of yourself first, put all the focus on yourself, start attending Al-Anon f2f meetings, turn your alcoholic over to a power greater than yourself and then get out of HP's way. You need and deserve your life back.
Thank you again for helping me put all this into perspective. Having never had experiences with an A before this relationship, I am learning a lot of things I was never aware of about myself.
Like my need to take care of people even when it hurts me emotionally and financially. I have really learned a lot in the few short days I have been here.
I am taking the advice and not going to aid my A and am going to give him over to my HP and let myself off the hook. I am going to a f2f meeting on Saturday and I am looking forward to the support and the aid in getting my life back. It feels good to know it is perfectly fine for me to concentrate my energy on me.
Hi Honeypie - whenever my AH starts using my phone to harass me (and it is pretty easy to recognize that mood) I tell him via text that I won't play that game and am turning my phone off. I have to turn my phone and my kid's phone off and my home phone answering machine all the way down and after a few unsuccessful attempts to draw me into his game, he gives up - doesn't take long before I can turn them back on (he doesn't know they are on).
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I don't think there are any black & white "right" or "wrongs", but let's consider it this way..... If he only has an amount - say $50 - to get by on, and he knows you are going to supply him food, so he spends all his money on beer - isn't that awfully close to you just going to buy the beer for him? He is a grown man, and appears to be making the choice of beer over food right now.....
You did it from a good place/heart, and you obviously care a great deal about him - despite his current actions/behaviors..... I would simply encourage you to keep reading good literature, challenging yourself as you are - checking your motives, etc....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have been thinking about the long term and frankly am scared because I do not want to end up supporting A bf financially and emotionally for the rest of my life while he spends his days completely disabled by alcohol.
I appreciate how honest you were in your post about what is happening in your situation. You have my best wishes and prayers.
Aloha Honeypie...you did good. Thinking on your feet and following thru on it. Man I can't remember how long it took me to reach that level of appropriate behavior with an alcoholic in an inappropriate atmospher. mmmmmm Somes gets it faster than others. Congradulations. Keep the boundaries in place and include everyone else who might want to arrive and trash your life.
If you haven't reached the rooms where we meet all over this planet I hope you get there soon just so you can see that you are not alone and the good stuff you do can help another member recover. (((((hugs)))))
Follow your conscience. Don't beat yourself up for your decisions. I think you will instinctively know what is right and wrong for you and you have been describing it well here...even though it hurts.
In my experience, there is nothing wrong with being a caring person. I just reach times where I have to make decisions about whether my caring is helping the other person, whether they are indifferent, or whether my caring is hurting them. If my caring hurts a person, that doesn't make me evil for caring...it makes them sick..and toxic for me. Of course that realization does little to relieve a broken heart.
