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I have posted about my AH and how confused I have been regarding what to do next. Well I have decided that no matter how much I love my H I love my kids more. Period. So I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel about his drinking, past problems that probably contribute to his drinking, and that I am not going tolerate it any longer. I gave the choice of him staying and getting clean and him leaving if he can't be sober. I made it very clear the behavior I expect from him and what I will not tolerate any longer. I also made it clear that if he ever drinks while taking care of the kids then will be told to leave until he has a sober lifestyle.
I feel this is drastic, but it is something that I know I should have done the first I came home and he was passed out and not watching our 3 month old at the time. After really thinking about what I want not only for myself, but my kids this is the next step for me. I am extremely nervous and scared, but I know that when he knows where I stand it will work out in the end.
Now starts the hard part , sticking to your decission . When giving ultimatums always check your motives , if its to force someone into sobriety it wont work , if its because as u stated you will not live like this any longer then it is the right decission for you and your children and YOU will be okay regardless of what choices he makes . continue to keep the focus on yourself find meetings for yourself support is very important in situations like ours . Louise
I agree with Louise. Stick to your decision. If he doesn't want to be sober, don't be surprised if he chooses to keep drinking or if he makes empty promises or if he quits for a while and then starts again after a few trouble free months. They have to quit on their own accord and if you need to leave for the safety of the kids, then that's what you have to do FOR YOU AND THE KIDS, not for his sobriety. He has to choose that for himself. I will be thinking of you and praying that things work out well for you guys. Please come back for support and keep us updated! Bonnie
. After really thinking about what I want not only for myself, but my kids this is the next step for me. I am extremely nervous and scared, but I know that when he knows where I stand it will work out in the end.
Dear Kari
Powerful insight and message I would like to add that when: "I Knew where I stood and what i would handle" then it all did work out.
It sounds as if you have had that awareness and acceptance . I found that the action was just simply to Let go and Let God. Keep showing up using your program tools and HP will direct the actions.
I recently made the same decision. My A was not drinking but was a dry drunk with the same behaviors as he used to have when he was drinking. I gave him a choice to choose what was right for him, recovery or his current life with us. I can't change his choices, but can choose what is right for me.
He went to his first meeting the other night and has chosen recovery. I am grateful for that today. Tomorrow he might not choose that, I don't know. I do know that my choices are mine and all that I am willing to own, not his behaviors.
I had to stick to my decision and let him know I meant what I said. I waited for the right time when he would believe I meant it. I practiced with many other boundaries I stuck to before providing this one. Rome wasn't built in a day. :)
As I was reading your post, it seemed to almost speak to the very words of Toby Rice Drews, from her Getting Them Sober books - I posted a thread of hers a few months ago, and the particular passage with relevance is copied below.....
Tom
When we feel that he holds all the cards....... when we feel that there is no way that we can make it without him....... he knows that he's ''got us''. And therefore doesn't have to really listen to us. But when we internalize what oldtimers in Al=Anon always said----------i.e., "you've got to want this program more than you want ANYTHING (i.e., you have to want to heal more than you want to stay in the relationship.)''--------- then, he has lost his power over you.
IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. BUT YOU FINALLY GET TO THE POINT THAT HE IS NOT ANY LONGER YOUR TIN-GOD...I.E., YOU GET TO THE POINT WHERE YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN, IF YOU CHOOSE TO, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP AND THAT YOU WILL SURVIVE AND HEAL. THAT HE IS NO LONGER YOUR 'GOD'...YOUR 'GLUE' THAT HOLDS YOU TOGETHER. HE HAS BECOME RIGHT-SIZED.
And when you know it-----------he knows it. You do not have to say it. In fact, it's better when you do not say it.
When you stop the talking about 'it'-------and just 'do' the actions----- he WILL know it--------his alcoholic radar will pick up your healing and he'll know that he no longer can get away with what he got away with before.
Because, before------- he could get away with it all because he knew that THE BOTTOM LINE is that he could do anything because you are afraid to lose him. And when they realize that you no longer are terrified of that-------- they lose their power over you. Most of the time, the paradox is, you don't have to lose the relationship for you to heal and for him to lose his power over you----------- he just has to realize that down deep, you are no longer terrified to lose him.
It will go without saying. And that is a much more powerful way for it to happen........without words.
You just finally realize, down deep, that he is not the ''Glue'' that holds you together......... emotionally, financially, any way. He is just another of the 4 billion people on earth.
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
