She's Newly Recovering, and Wants to Move In - Al-Anon Family Group

B_L · Member

She's Newly Recovering, and Wants to Move In

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

B L

You seem to have made a good boundary for yourself, why not stick to that.

Its important to stick to the boundary and not change it. For your sake and the alcoholic.

Believe that your girlfriend has a HP also. My XAH has been near death many times. After drinking his whole life, he is finally sober
for 60 days and alive. Dont let fear guide you.

All the best to you,

Keep coming back. Bettina

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, you do.

When I am confused about something, it's usually because there is some FACT about reality I just don't want to accept. You seem to understand this is very early recovery. If you're working the steps, you know that you are powerless. You cannot save her. No human power can.

Watch yourself to see if you are really wanting the real Her to move in, or a fantasy of her, an illusion you have, a version of her you WANT her to be. This has gotten me into all of my relationship troubles, not living in reality.

The program taught me.... "when in doubt, DON'T."

And.... "wait." It's one of the hardest things to do, because we tend to want to fix things, we want action. Remember, wait is a verb. It is doing something. If it seems right now, it will be also right a year from now. In recovery, I learned not to rush and chase things anymore. It gets me into a lot of trouble

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 17th of February 2011 12:38:28 PM

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 17th of February 2011 12:48:49 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha B_L...I'm hearing my story again with the exception of what the program did
for my life since then. Have you gotten into the rooms of Al-Anon yet. If you're
not in the outcome could be similar to going to a gun fight without the bullets. The
solution wasn't near as much having the proper reactions and responses to the
alcoholic than it was having the proper reactions and responses to me. She wasn't
the problem when I could just leave her alone...let go and let...God! The problem
was me and my lack of understanding and experience within the disease situation.

When I was younger I liked new bicycles but I loved the old broken ones I could
fixup and paint which would reflect me. That is such a fantasy with the disease of
alcoholism as Glad Lee mentioned. My alcoholics and addicts never could or did
reflect my value systems and I had to concentrate on me so that I could do that
myself.

5 days of being dry is five days of being dry only. It is not sobriety. It is only having
the body with out alcohol and I have learned that alcoholism is a 4 level disease; body, mind, emotions and spirit. If she has hit a .5 BAL she has been over the line
in nearnest to death. At a .5 the alcohol is going after subconscious level functions
with include heartbeat and breath. At a .5 she is at toxic shock where the whole system
collapses on itself and dies. If she gets past it just one time as an alcoholic she will
move the boundary line further outward with the belief that she can survive it, that it
will not or cannot take her down. That is from my own personal experience with the
mind, mood and body altering drug alcohol.

I've heard it said often that first 2 years are critical for the newly recovering alcoholic.
In my experience it was the first 9 years. I wasn't drinking and I wasn't sober there
were many things missing and if after 9 years of being alcohol free I returned to it;
called a relapse in drinking; I would not have survived it. More on that later if you
care to ask however it isn't as important as you getting into the rooms and literature
of the Al-Anon Family Groups and the practice of the 12 step program which draws
from the tap root of AA. That is only a suggestion...you can do anything else you
recognize as being suggested.

I remember an old meeting saying that a person in the throes of having a relation
ship with an alcoholic is exactly similar to watching a moth play near the flame of
a candle. Picture it.

In support ((((hugs)))) smile

kari419 · Member

In my experience it is much easier to ask someone to leave if they have not made it through the door, but once they through the door is is much more difficult to tell that person to leave. This especially applies to someone you are living with. When someone moves in physically they also move in emotionally and mentally and A are really good at manipulating to get their way no matter the cost.
For me I would require more evidence that she is getting help and that is working for her and not that she is doing it because some doctor put fear in her for now. Fear subsides and we almost always go back to our old habits. For change to truly happen we have to want it and be willing to all else aside until we achieve it.
You can not be her saving grace, if you become a saving grace you will be used one for a very long time. She is making her choices and she chooses to drink and put herself at risk and it is your choice to allow her to bring into the fold.
It is one thing to be there for her during those tough times vs. being there for her every moment of every day.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Even if she had been in a strong recovery program 2 years, relapse is part of being an addict.

Just because one is on a strong program one day, in a minute they can relapse and use.

She is very sick, it takes a long time to get strong on their plan of recovery, years.

I see you have answered your own question. You don't want to come home to her dead. Of course that chance is there.
It's not up to us to make sure they are in a healthy environment. They need to do this for themselves.

When an addict uses they don't mature. So she is whatever age she was when she started using.

The disease is still holding her hostage and making decisions for her. The disease would love to be in a place where it can use alone.

She is not well, she is just not using right now. This is only a tiny piece of being a sick addict.

Myself I would not have a sick addict live in my home. Just them being an addict, changes the whole dynamics of a home.

I am so glad you are asking these questions!

hugs,debilyn

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Glad Lee and Jerry,

So much wisdom shared to learn from.

Glad, I too have learned not to rush and chase things. A lesson very dificult to grasp when your young. A wise Japanese man told me. Don't chase after men and women because
all you will catch are the slow ones. So true..

Also Jerry I love that analogy about the Moth and the flame. I wont forget it.

Thank you for your experiences.

Luv, Bettina

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

When struggling with a decission like this I have heard that when in doubt *do nothing* is a good choice let it play out the way its supposed to . support her efforts be encouraging but take care of yourself .

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

I have always made better decisions when I don't let my emotions participate in the process. I try to always go with my gut feeling, when I let my emotions get involved, nine times out of of ten, it fogs my clear thinking.

HUGS,
RLC

B_L · Member

I held to my original instinct and told her it's a no-go until she is stable in a long-term recovery.

She told me she understands that, and that it's the smart move, but she was just bitching about her current living arrangement rather than trying to convince me to let her move in now.

Heh. Yeah, right.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi BL,
my partner was sober for 6 months last year but not really working his programme although attending AA. He relapsed over 9 months and it progressed to another terrible rock bottom. He put himself in a residential rehab 6 months ago and moved into supported living a month ago. he is working his programme so hard. their early recovery takes a lot of work. I intend to not live with him till he has aleast a year of sobriety and stays committed I have been burnt to many times I am powerless over him But today I am trying to make my own life manageable. I do not want to loose him I love him but we are both concentrating on our own recoveries, i am handing the rest over to Hp and waiting to see what his will is.

take what you like.

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