The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today A BF text this morning to ask if I had his glasses and to complain to me about his landlord. I told him I would look for his glasses and ignored the comment about the landlord because I know he wants me to feel sorry for him since I told him he had to leave my house yesterday.
We text back and forth a couple times about finding his glasses and he was asking me if we broke up. I told him no I didn't consider us broken up but that I had enough of his drinking and that was why he had to leave. He said he did not want us to break up. I told him we could still see each other but he cannot live with me and my kids.
He text me a couple times at work about money (he has probably run out of money for beer and won't get an unemployment check until Tuesday next week). Complaining he gave me $100 two weeks ago for groceries and to help with electric bill and he wanted the money back and made a nasty remark how women screw over men and act like a victim. I text him back that I was not acting nor did I feel like a victim and the money was used for the groceries he ate and the heat that kept the house warm and it was gone. I know that's the alcohol talking and a ploy to make me feel guilty. Then I told him it was sad that he was only worried about money and himself to which he said he didn't really care about the money he wanted me to want him. I told him I did want him but I cannot handle his drinking. I told him I want to be more important than the ******* beer.
He keeps texting asking me if I want him. Is he suddenly so forgetful or is this tactic him trying to make me feel guilty or feel like he is going to go out and be with another woman which he knows would hurt me? Manipulation?
-- Edited by Honeypie on Wednesday 16th of February 2011 06:02:43 PM
I can only speak from my experiences and yes they are manipulators. Its obvious he plans to continue his drinking, as he is not taking steps to enter recovery or AA. My question is what will you do if he continues to drink.?
More importantly, try not to focus so much on him, there are no quick fixes when dealing with the disease of Alcoholism. Not even when they enter a program or go to AA, its still a long journey for them.
Alcoholics are very immature emotionally and they may do and say things to hurt us. You must realize its their disease. Best thing is to attend Alanon meetings and come to the MIP board as you are doing. Ask questions, read Alanon material and discuss your hopes with the members.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
You are doing a wonderful job of taking care of yourself and not failing for his bait. You are allowing him to suffer the the consequences of his own choices without any interference from you. He created his own chaos. You are not letting his problems effect you, and they are "his" problems ..not yours.
Well, he must have money because he is now drunk and the angry phone calls and texts have started to come in now one right after the other. Just took a call where he actually wanted me to tell him I was sorry for asking him to leave and I should apologize to him for being upset about his drinking since he's had such a crappy life - his whole life.
I told him I couldn't handle his drinking and that is why he had to leave. He wants me to feel sorry for him because he has no dinner, yet he has money for beer and I don't feel sorry for him.
Now he has demanded I return the rest of his belongings which I plan to do on my way to work tomorrow morning. He says I am treating him crappy like everyone else has to him his whole life. The pity party is in full swing.
It is hard listening to that ranting. Now he has said we are over which makes me sad but I cannot continue in this relationship with an active A. I told him if that was what he wanted then it was his choice.
One form of detachment that can save your serenity is not answering the phone. Ask yourself, "How Important Is It". The disease is controling him, you don't have to answer and let the disease effect you.....Put the focus on you. If you answer each time he calls "drunk", who is really in control?
That is good advice. Why didn't I think of it? I have to stop obsessing over him and his drinking and focus on me. I am going to stop answering the phone and the texts.
Bettina, you ask a very difficult question. I don't know what I will do if A BF continues to drink. That is a tough question.
I know that I cannot continue to allow his drinking to make me crazy. I know I can no longer make excuses to my kids and myself regarding his drinking. I do not want to avoid other people because I am afraid of being embarrassed. I do not want to think about the time of day when I am running errands with BF and only plan to be out in public first thing in the morning because that is the time of day when BF is "less drunk". I am tired of keeping his secret.
He says he will quit drinking and I keep waiting but he makes no steps toward recovery. He thinks he knows it all, been to AA before, is smarter than everyone, can do it alone, blah, blah, blah.
All I know is I needed to stop enabling him by allowing him to stay at my house with me and my kids. I needed space from his chaos and need to focus on what I want and keep moving forward, looking forward. I'm 41, I have a lot of life left to live and I am choosing my own happiness.
I suspect his behavior will be familiar to pretty much all of us on these boards.
Typically when they can't have what they want -- their familiar comfortable drinking life with other people helping them -- they'll do whatever they can to get things back the way they were. They talk about how they've had a raw deal, how things are unfair, how people have ripped them off and taken advantage of them, how people abandon them, etc. The idea to "Look at your part in it" sure isn't a part of their thinking.
It looks to me as if your BF is doing what is so familiar with me -- arguing to keep you involved. Since they'll never be convinced that their priorities are screwy -- I mean they have to come to that conclusion themselves (if they do come to it) -- they can get us enmeshed in arguments about it forever. And they get what's comfortable for them: engagement and bickering.
It's very, very hard for me to let someone live in their own screwy assumptions without arguing with them. The surest way to get me into an argument is to make some statement like, "You've always been so selfish," "I tried so hard but you just wouldn't lift a finger to help," "You're just paranoid about alcohol, you need to get some help" ... or a dozen others.
The thing that has helped me is the saying, "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing."
That urge to try to win an argument at last is almost irresistable. But it keeps me sucked in to the same insane old system.
Good for you for putting some distance between you and the insanity. Keep on protecting yourself.
Yes. Serious manipulation. A lot of suggestions come to mind for you, but I have learned that this site is really about support more than suggestions. You seem to have pretty good insights. He is acting like a manipulative child and you stated that in another post.
You wont get him to choose you over beer. He needs to choose sobriety in order to have a functional life. In order for that to happen, he has to recognize that alcohol is the reason he is unemployable and his life is going down the tubes. That make come in the form of intervention from many (including you)...but intervention from you alone is not likely to do anything. It would have to be from people in AA that you guys know....his family...others that are objective. He will just play the same merry go round game with you as long as it is you alone trying to intervene. That is my experience and what I know about the disease in my own dealings.
Other than that, it may take an even lower bottom for him
