The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this type of group. Unfortunately I'm not new to living with an alcoholic. My husband and I have been together for 7 years with two small boys. I husband is a good man with a very caring heart. He does not drink all the time and due to this it was difficult for me to convince that he was actually an alcoholic. Then the lying became prevalent and it was difficult to look past it.
I am going to give some of my real life things that I have encountered in the past year.
I have come home on several occassions with my husband drunk and asleep with our 2 and 4 yr olds running around the house. On one occassion my 2 yr old had dirtied his diaper and took it off and then played in it, for how long I don't know. My 4 yr old loves to get into my cooking things and on many occassions has thrown flour, sugar, and coco powder everywhere. One time he decided he was going to make koolaid, with several packets and a cup of water. As you probably have guessed it got everywhere.
However, horrible the above sounds I was able to adapt and every time I went somewhere they went with me or to the babysitters and everything seemed to be going great for two or three months. Then recently I started coming home finding bottles in the open, charges to liquor stores, and last week I came home after being with my mother in the hospital at around 8pm. Husband told me earlier in the day that he was sick and so were the kids so he decided to keep them home. I did not think much of it due to already being stressed and the couple of good months. Well needless to say when I got home 4 yr old was wide awake, not sick, and again in my personal things. Husband and 2 yr old were asleep on the couch with an 1/2 bottle of vodka next to them. The scariest parts were 1. the vodka was open and 4 yr old was awake and 2. 4 yr old left the home at some point because the door was open and he told me that he played outside while daddy slept.
I am very concerned for my kids and I can't trust him. Does anyone have pointers on how I should go about this. I haven't really said anything because I am so confused and I truly love him with all of my heart and I don't want to break his.
I went through a fairly similar period, with my ex-AW, as she was home alone with the kids, and I found her (more times than I care to admit) passed out & drunk, etc.... I kept somehow rationalizing it, and believing the promises of 'never again', until it finally hit home that I had to take some action, for the benefit of the innocent children. Tough as it was financially, I ended up putting both kids (5 & 3 at the time) into fulltime daycare, so I would get them up in the morning, drop them off at daycare on my way to work, and pick them up after work.... It was the only way that I could ensure their safety throughout the day, as my wife was incapable, at that time, to properly care for them...
My ex did eventually find sobriety, and has returned to being a good & dependable mother to the kids. My only regret is that I didn't take action sooner.... Only those of us who have lived through this can comprehend how/why we allow our innocent children to be cared for by a drunk.... driven by a drunk.... etc....
Thanks for your post, and hope you can find the right solution for your children...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Alcoholism is a disease. When the active alcoholic is in the grips of the disease the disease takes over. Under what other circumstances would you husband allow your children to be put in harms way. Alcoholism is progressive, mind controling, selfish, and destroys anything and everything it touches or gets in its way.
Love is not enough, and pleading or begging won't help. The first step in the Al-Anon program states: "We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable". The powerless part may be hard for you to accept today, but I felt the unmanageable part in your life as I read your post. We have to accept we have control no over their drinking. We have to accept that alcohol is #1 in the alcoholics life, the disease consumes and takes over their mind, body, and spirit, best defined as cunning, baffling, and powerful.
That's the bad new. The good news is even though you can't change or control the alcoholic in your life you can change the only person you have control over ....YOU. Finding a face 2 face Al-Anon meeting is the place to start. Your life has been effected and will continue to be effected more than you will ever know. You need recovery form the effects of the disease. It's not only important to you, but also your children. Your children need one sane person in the house. With the help of Al-Anon and members who will understand you as perhaps no one else can, you can find the recovery you need and deserve. You will be given the tools to make your life better and find the way to be happy whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not. Read prior post on the site. Research all the information you can on the disease and keep coming back.
We don't give advice in Al-Anon, we are not walking in your shoes. But we have been where you are, so we offer our ES&H (Experience, Strength & Hope).....what has worked for us. The program is for you and about you. Start taking care of yourself first, find a meeting in your area. Your life will get better, not overnight, but one day at a time.
You found a new family today who cares, and you are not alone anymore.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 16th of February 2011 05:52:40 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 16th of February 2011 05:54:43 PM
I just have to come on and say: I'm so glad that I finally know what ESH means!!! YAY! I thought it meant: Extra Special Help, LOL!
Kari, right now it sounds like you need to make sure you protect the kids. When I came home on Saturday to find my drunk AH taking a shower sitting down in the tub, obviously smashed, I told him that I'd be doing the driving tonight. Got no arguments from him! He knew I knew what was going on and that he was in no condition to drive. From now on you are probably going to have to have a back up plan and not leave the kids with your AH. I'd be very concerned if I came home to find children who had access to an open bottle with no adult supervision. And, the best place for you to start is to get to a meeting and talk to people who have been there, done that and who can guide you and put their arms around you if you need it. Right now, for me; I'm taking it one day at a time. And, I'm trying very hard to NOT look too far into the future or else I get very depressed and a lot of it is my own fears. But, most of it is that I have these expectations that I've placed on myself and on my AH and I'm slowly learning that expectations are my own creation and that I may be quite wrong about what my HP has planned for our family. I'm trying to lean on my HP and let go and give it all to Him. Please keep coming back and reading on these boards, they have been such a help to me at this time.
