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It has started again. My A has been so good that I knew that something was about to happen or explode. He has not had a drink in one month and I told him how proud of him I was and that he can beat this with some help. To make a long story short, he started to drink again every night just a little but now it is back to where it was one month ago. Tonight was so bad that I just don't know why I stay here. I have no family in the area and my job is here. He was so mean and hateful with the words that just seemed to flow out of his mouth. Sometimes I wish he would hit me because words hurt more that anything..I have to get back to my f to f meeting for support. I feel like telling him tomorrow am that someone has to leave,,,you or me....I needed to vent. Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks
I think you answered your own question. "I need to get back to my f2f meetings". Meetings are where I had my questions answered, and still do. Many times when the A in our life quits drinking we don't feel the need to continue f2f meetings. Nothing could be further from the truth. This program works in all our affairs, whether the A in our life is drinking or not. We are no different than a car, we need fuel to run (function).
Welcome back. Find a meeting. And start taking cure of Phyllis !!
Please dont ever say that again * I wish he would just hit me * no one deserves that, your no ones punching bag and if you dont think that would hurt you more than his drunk talk , your very wrong . go back to your meetings take care of you.
I understand saying "I wish he would hit me" - people in my life kept asking if he did and I always replied - No, but I wish he would. Physical abuse leaves bruises that people can see, so when I say he's abusive, they can see the evidence. A verbal exchange between two people in the privacy of the home is one person's word against the other (we were just fighting again). Also, maybe taking the step to physical abuse would have been a bigger better stronger way to crack the camel's back and push me into finally saying ENOUGH! Verbal abuse is so much more damaging because it leaves no visible scars, and, makes the victim doubt her perception of things. I lived with someone who little by little used words, accusations and innuendo to beat down my self-esteem - he is an expert at twisting what I've said around to zing me with; and, he socks me from the side with something I said in a previous fight or conversation - it was very "crazymaking". Eventually you live with an almost constant flood of it and don't recognize how sick it all is until he's finally gone and been gone long enough for your esteem to recover itself enough for you to look back and see how bad it was.
Now understand, when I say that maybe taking the step to physical abuse would have been enough to push me to end things, the sad truth is, for most, physical abuse usually pushes the victim further down and most do not get the aha moment and say enough! So I'm glad he never struck me, but I understand the sentiment.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I understand "I wish he would just hit me instead." Unfortunately, physical abuse never happens on its own and it would then be a combination of verbal and physical about which is 20 million times worse. So even thinking that is not a reality because the 2 go hand and hand.
It sounds like you were really encouraging about his sobriety but he can't "beat" alcoholism. It's not your fault at all that he relapsed....but his alcoholism just is...he will never beat it and it can only be treated and go into remission. If he does not continue to do certain things for his recovery....he will relapse as sure as anything. You being proud of him. your love....none of that will keep him sober. Only his working the program of AA (in my experience)...and it is ongoing for him a day at a time for the rest of his life.
I stayed in the same relationship with my ABF for a long long time because I let him convince me to move away from family, diminish my support network, and I viewed myself as without options. He even told me I couldn't make it on my own and I believed it. I now see those were my choices and I own having made them...but I was really stuck in a mess at the time.
Whether or not you choose to stay, leave now, leave later, or whatever...The support from others who have been in your shoes will keep you strong so that you know you do have options. You do have choices and his alcoholic thinking and behavior does not dictate how you should feel about yourself and how you lead your life.
