DETACHING WITH LOVE! - Al-Anon Family Group

roxygirl · Member

DETACHING WITH LOVE!

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary,

I'm sure many members will answer your post. I am unable to at the time. My suggestion for now and later is to go to the "search bar" at the top of the page and type in "detaching with love", when you do you will be able to read prior posts on the topic and replies form other members relating to detaching with love.

HUGS,
RLC

DadtoCandE · Veteran Member

As long as we're focused on the recovery of the person with the addiction we aren't really detaching. Until we detach, our loved one will continue to look to us as that safety net whether they are sober or not. We're taking on their responsibility for recovery.

The addicted person in my life is my wife, so I don't have that parental instinct that you probably are feeling for your son. So I am sure it must be harder in that regard for you. My nephew is in recovery for addiction. My brother warned me that the first time he left rehab he had the feeling that everything would be OK as long as his son worked the program. So rather then detaching, he became even more focused on his son's recovery. The thing is we can't control anyone else's recovery (first line in the prayer). We really need to look at our own recovery and let our loved one find their own path. We can offer parental or spousal support, but we need to recognize that the support is out of love and without expectations. When we have expectations attached we are trying to control their recovery and they are happy to let us have the responsibility, not because they are bad, but because recovery is hard.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

When you see on your caller ID that its him calling - let the answering machine (or voicemail) answer it - if you don't have an answering machine, get one. Don't be always at the other end of the line and just waiting to do his bidding. Gives you time to decide if you can or want to help him or deal with him. That's how I handle it; I let the phone machine be my instrument of detachment and get back to him on MY terms (control what you have control over - you, your phone and your time)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It's very ok to make boundaries for ourselves.

If it were me I would say,"son I know you can take care of things on your own, you have become a responsible man."

Or ask him, "Oh realy, what are you going to do about that?"

We can even tell people,"you know I really enjoy your calling me to tell me what you are up to, however I honestly don't want to hear complaints, it upsets me." Honest right?

It takes awhile for our fledglings to find their own way, their own power to figure things out.

Maybe you could say,"have you looked on Craigslist?" or One can put a request on the wanted site. I always look at that and give people things they need that I have extra.

There are places that give things away.

He could share a ride with someone at work, give them a bit of money for gas.

Does he know these life skills? If not, it is ok for you to suggest things. If he is resistant then he just wants you to do it, or offer. He needs to learn he can do anything he puts his mind to.

I believe we as moms have to let go, and times push them out. They know we love them.

Sending you hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.